A Hurting Heart

[Late 2005]

Atop a lonely park hill I laid on my back as I stared up at the night sky. As I gazed up at the sparkling stars that dotted the sky a soft familiar laugh drifted into earshot.

“Jeff…” laughed the voice of my past love. “What are you doing here all alone?”

Startled, I quickly sat bolt up and looked around me rapidly.

Nothing.It’s just a whisper in the wind, I thought. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose.Wow, Jeff, you’re going crazy!

When I opened my eyes and looked around again, I found her standing a few feet away from me, smiling slightly.

Her blonde hair still contained its blue streaks and her entire self still as I remembered.

I was awestruck, she was there standing mere feet away from me.

As I looked at her, a smile slowly started to form on my lips. How long it’d been since I’d last seen her.

…The last time had been on RAW. She was walking up the entrance ramp after our match, after she removed our ring and dropped it in front of me. It wasn’t just storyline.“Remember this moment.” she’d said, venom dripping from her words.“…’cause it’s the last time you’ll ever see me in this life.”

As that painful memory floated into my mind, I had to look away from her and close my eyes again. I’d been ashamed of what I’d done for the longest time.

“I’m sorry,” I managed to say. “I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you.”

There was no response to what I’d said, only the sound of the wind.

I opened my eyes expecting to find nothing, but I found her kneeling right in front of me.

“Jeff,” she whispered as she placed her soft hand atop of my left. “Forget it, it’s in the past and there’s nothing anyone can do about it anymore.”

I looked down at her hand and held it in my own.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I didn’t mean to…”

“Stop apologizing, Jeff, please!” she begged.

I looked up into her pleading sapphire blue eyes and nodded. Slowly I reached out with my right hand and caressed her cheek.

She smiled at me as I pulled her closer to me. And within moments I captured her lips in a long awaited kiss.

Shocked at my own actions, I pulled away.

“I can’t,” I murmured. “Not after--”

“Yes you can!” she interrupted. “I still love you, and I know you still love me.”

I sighed and looked out into the night as unexpected snowflakes started to fall.

I looked back at her in confusion.

“Snow in Carolina,” she said before kissing me again.

This time I didn’t pull away. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them we were no longer in the snow but on a beach.

“But sun in California.” she said after pulling away and running to the water’s edge. “C’mon, Jeff!” she shouted as she ran into the water.

I got up from where I was and walked over to her.

“I still love you.” I said as I pulled her into a hug.

“I never stopped loving you, and I never will.” she confessed.

I smiled before kissing her again.

“Roxy, you make me feel like I did before all the problems started. I feel love when I’m with you and I don’t feel the hurt I feel nowadays. The hurt that led me to the drugs.” I admitted after I pulled away.

“It’s alright,” she whispered. “It doesn’t matter now. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

She smiled at me before kissing me, yet again. I smiled into the kiss as we fell back into the water.

*****

I awoke with a start as the bight mid-morning sun unexpectedly shone through my bedroom window. I looked around and saw my girlfriend, Beth, walking away from the window and over to me.

“Morning, Jeff!” she greeted before placing a kiss on my lips.

I smiled lightly and yawned.

“Good morning, Beth.” I said as I got up off the bed and went into the bathroom to shower.

Some twenty minutes later I walked out of the bathroom and put on my clothes for the day.

I sat down on the edge of my bed with a notebook full of my “emotry”. I opened it to an empty page and started to write.

Today I woke up with a hurting heart, but it wasn’t from medical problems.
It was from a forgotten love of my past that painfully reentered my dreams.
During these dreams I felt as if I were reborn.
I felt the feeling of love again without a worry in the world.
It was she who made me happy, it was she who opened my heart and

“Jeff!” Beth called from the kitchen, interrupting my thoughts. “Come and eat!”

I looked down at the words on the paper in front of me and I smiled. However, my smile faded as I realized that I didn’t remember what I was going to write next.

Beth had broken my concentration and I lost my train of thought.

I sighed and closed my notebook.

“I’ll be right there, Beth!” I said as I placed the notebook on my bed and walked out of my room.

Throughout the day she was all I could think about and by the time night came I wanted her to return to my illusion of the heart.

She did return, and once again she made me happy.

The same thing happened for a few more days and after a while I remembered what it was I was going to write days before, so I wrote again.

Today I woke up with a hurting heart, but it wasn’t from medical problems.
It was from a forgotten love of my past that painfully reentered my dreams.
During these dreams, I felt as if I were reborn.
I felt the feeling of love again without a worry in the world.
It was she who made me happy, it was she who opened my heart and committed murder to my pain.
However, this pain wasn’t total death.
The pain came back and it came back to stay.
Now it’s infected and peroxide doesn’t even foam……so maybe I’m not normal?
I’ll probably never see her again in this life unless she continues to peacefully visit me in my dreams.
If she does, maybe one day I can stay, stay with her in another world, stay with her in another time, stay with her by not waking up……at least my heart will never hurt again!

After I finished writing those last few words she stopped visiting my dreams.

And I stopped hoping she would.