A Love Song For The Things I Didn't Do

Gerard hated the boys at school. He hated how they made him feel small and stupid. And mostly, he hated how despite this, he constantly sought their approval. They were foul-mouthed and awful in every way possible and yet, he wanted them to like him. He dreamed of being invited to their houses, of having someone to call at night, who wasn’t always Alyson.


There was a particular boy named Toby who was particularly awful. Toby seemed to find it hilarious that Gerard didn’t fit in. Gerard didn’t like sports and he didn’t like chasing girls and for that, Toby laughed and taunted. The others caught on and soon, Gerard dreaded recess more than anything in the world. He dreaded it more than math worksheets and sharing his favorite toys with Mikey.

He and Alyson would swing and she’d say to just ignore them, as they stood around the swing set laughing. 

Today, it was just Toby standing there, telling Gerard that he was having a birthday party and Gerard wasn’t invited.



“I don’t care about your stupid birthday party!” Gerard yelled, but it was clear by his frustrated tone, that he did care and he did want to be invited.



“That’s right,” Alyson agreed, jumping off her swing and getting so close to Toby, he almost cowered. “No one cares about your party, Toby. And you smell like ham.”



He flinched, but quickly brushed the insult off. “Good, because you’re not invited either, Freak-o.”



Alyson waited expectantly for Gerard to get off his swing and stand up for her. He was supposed to yell at Toby for being mean and perhaps knock him to the ground. Gerard did stop swinging, but he didn’t stand or defend her. He sat there, looking numb.

“You and your freak girlfriend aren’t invited,” Toby said again, as if it wasn’t clear the first time...as if it didn’t hurt enough to be reminded.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Gerard said through his teeth and Alyson didn’t like how angry his voice sounded.

 This wasn’t like him at all. Gerard was always so gentle and patient. He listened to his mom, he did all his homework, he played with his little brother. Why was he talking just like Toby so suddenly?



“Really? Well, I’m pretty sure if you asked anyone, they’d say she was your girlfriend,” Toby said.



“She’s not,” Gerard said, jumping to his feet. “I swear. She’s not my girlfriend.”

 But it was too late. For the rest of the school day, Toby and his friends made sure to point out that Alyson was in fact, his girlfriend.

After school, Alyson tried to sit by Gerard on the bus, but he quickly placed his backpack in the space beside him. He offered no explanation and turned to glare out the window. 

Alyson sat next to Ray Toro instead, a quiet boy, who was the best at math in their whole class. He offered her a shy smile, but the ride was mostly quiet and uncomfortable.

When she got home and her mom asked how school was, she burst into tears and couldn’t be consoled. Even the fresh batch of warm cookies that had just pulled out of the oven couldn’t fix this. (It did help, though).


She called Gerard later that night and let him know that she never wanted to see him again.



“You’re just like Toby,” she told him in a low voice.



"Alyson, come on,” he tried to reason. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I just...I hate Toby.”



“I know you do. But you’re still not my friend anymore.”



“Wait, no. Alyson, you’re my best friend. Please don’t stop being my best friend.”



She refrained from mentioning that she was his only friend, but then she remembered Mikey.



“Even more than Mikey?” she had to ask.



“Even more than Mikey,” he whispered. “But don’t tell anyone that, because I think brothers are supposed to come first.”



“I won’t,” she said, sighing in defeat. “Okay, I won’t stop being your best friend as long as you don’t stop being mine.”



“Never,” he agreed. “I’ll never fight with you again. I’m sorry.”



She had to forgive him because he was Gerard and he was, in a silly way, part of her. She barely had a memory that didn’t involve him and she couldn’t toss that away over someone as smelly as Toby.



The next day at school, Gerard politely told Toby and the others that Alyson wasn’t his girlfriend and that was that.



In the back of his mind, where no one could see, he wondered what it would be like if Alyson was his girlfriend. He brushed the thought away because, no. She was his friend, just like Mikey was, and he certainly would never date Mikey.