A Love Song For The Things I Didn't Do

At the age of sixteen, Gerard realized he hated everything. He figured there had to have been something pretty wrong with him, to always be so angry. His family was intact and his friends were the best, but still, something was missing and it made him furious.

"You need to change," his mother kept stressing, sometimes with tears streaming down her cheeks, sometimes with desperate, pleading hand gestures.

He knew he was wrecked. He just lacked the energy to change.

Living in his head was easier, he decided. He gravitated more toward comics and music. He discovered new bands and spent hardly a second of his time without his headphones plugged in.

He was all kinds of broken -- always angry without explanation, slipping grades, and intense numbness. It didn't make sense and it wasn't fair.

Sometimes he blamed it on Aly, but never to her face. It was always in the back of his mind, where no one could see, that he resented her for being so happy all the time, for not needing him as much as he needed her.

They were best friends and that wouldn't change, but it was her stupid knack of always dating the wrong person that irked him more than words could say. It was her way of always smiling, even when he knew she was sad and felt out-of-place that sent him fuming.

It was Alyson, suddenly and without any explanation, holding hands with Frank Iero.

"What's wrong with you?" he hissed to her after school, both of them standing at her locker.

She furrowed her brow at him as she crammed her math book in her backpack. "What're you talking about? What's wrong now?"

He inhaled sharply, unsure of how to handle all this irritation.

He finally composed himself and said through his teeth, "Are you actually dating Frank Fucking Iero?"

She shrugged simply, as if she didn't see any fault in that.

"He's like four feet tall and thinks he's a badass, so good job picking this one out." His tone was bitter and hateful, making her flinch.

"Gerard, what's been your problem lately? You're so mean to everyone. I don't think I like you at all anymore."

What did she mean, she didn't like him at all anymore? They were best friends. Up until this stupid junior year of high school, everything had been perfect. They were always spending every Friday night together in his basement, confessing, laughing, promising that this would never change.

"Don't look so offended," she said, sighing. "It's just, you're different. You realize that, right?"

"No," he nearly spit at her. "Enlighten me. Please."

"I get that you're unhappy and I usually am too, but could you at least try to be nicer to me...of all people?"

If she was trying to break his heart, she was successful. Guilt surged through him like fire, warming his skin and making him frown.

"Look, Aly...I'm sorry that I've been mean to you. It's not fair. You're my best friend."

A smile slowly found its way onto her face.

"It's nice hearing that, you know? I mean, I was starting to think you didn't even like me anymore."

How could he ever not? He wanted to laugh at the absurdity of her remark, but instead, smiled apologetically. He couldn't promise that he was going to change, but he could sure as hell regret his actions and acknowledge that he was a mess.

"When did this whole Frank thing happen?" he found himself asking. He was trying hard not to sound interested (and failing immensely).

"Over the weekend. He's in a band, you know. Me, Mikey, and Ray went to one of his shows and they're actually pretty good."

Me, Mikey, and Ray.

Gerard felt more alone now than ever. Where had he been when they all went out together? Probably in his his dimly-lit basement, smoking a cigarette and listening to angry music.

"Hey, ligthen up," she said, noticing that his face had suddenly fallen and paled. "You never seem to want to go out with us. Just let me know next time and you can come along."

He nodded, trying to ignore the heavy numbness that had fallen over him. "Yeah. Sure thing."

She nudged him playfully. "Walk me home? We've got lets to fill each other in on, I'm sure."

He wasn't exactly sure he was in the mood for talking, but she was Aly and he loved her and he could never resist.

As they walked, he kept his fists jammed in his hoodie pocket and he didn't say much. He just listened to all the great things she had to say about Frank.

"You should see the intensity he plays with, Gerard. I mean, I only wish I could be that intense with something in my life. It makes me feel lazy. I have so many creative ideas, but it's like I lack the drive to do something with them."

He nodded, agreeing quietly. "It's tough," he said.

"It really is. It's also tough not having you around lately." She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes, almost apprehensively.

"I can't explain it, Al," he said, shaking his head. "I'm just so pissed all the time and I don't even know why."

"You shouldn't be pissed," she offered. "You can draw better than anyone else I know. And you're real funny and the sincerest person in this whole stupid town."

He smiled at this. "I envy you. You're so positive and it's really refreshing sometimes."

She shrugged, adverting her eyes to the sidewalk below them. She slowed her pace, sighing shortly.

"I'm a really good faker."

"What do you mean? You're not happy?"

She looked at him hard in the eyes and slowly, hers filled with tears. "I hate my dad, Gerard. He's making our entire family fall apart."

"Is he drinking again?" Gerard asked quietly.

She aggressively swiped her sleeve across her eyes. "He's always drinking. He's never stopped and never will. It's making Mom depressed. You should see how many pills she's been taking. It's ruining us."

"If you ever need to get out, you know you're still welcome at my place," he had to offer, using the gentlest voice he could muster. She looked like she was about to crack right down in the middle and break into all sorts of little pieces. He was trying desperately to hold her together.

"Thanks. I try to stay away from home as much as I can. I've been going to see a lot of local bands on the weekends."

And that's where she met Frank and now she had someone new to lean on and confide in. It made Gerard's chest constrict.

He wanted his friend back and he realized it now with surging intensity.

"Let's do something," he suggested, stopping right in his tracks.

She slowed and turned around to face him. "What do you mean? Now?"

"Sure. Video games and music in my basement all night. Like old times?"

Her face fell. "Frank has a show tonight...you're welcome to come with me though, if you want."

He didn't want to, but he also didn't want to spend his entire night without Aly. So, with a sigh he nodded. "Yeah, I guess I'll come."

"Thanks," she said, her smile filling her whole face. She wiped away the remaining tears and put her arm around Gerard's waist, pulling him against her as they walked. "You're the best, but I'm sure you've always known that."

He didn't bother disagreeing. He just laughed, because Aly always managed to make him feel better.

She told him the show was at the town's music cafe, where local bands always played, and said to be there at nine. He promised he would and they parted ways.

When he got there at ten to tine, he instantly felt out-of-place. The crowd outside were kids in his grade and they were all smoking and trying to look cool. He was sure to give them dirty looks as he made his way to the entrance and they were sure to give them right back. He could feel judging eyes burning through his back as he trudged with crippling irritation into the building.

There was a massive crowd and he anxiously scanned it for Aly. He made out Ray's fro at a back table and realized Mikey was sitting with him. He pushed through people and joined them.

"Hey guys," he said, taking a seat next to Mikey.

Mikey watched him suspiciously. "...what're you doing here?"

"Aly said I should come," he muttered in explanation, irked that Mikey seemed so baffled to see him.

"Gerard, you'd hate the music," Ray warned.

"I don't care about the music," Gerard snipped. "I want to see Frank play. Aly said he's pretty good."

"You'd hate him," Ray said.

"What makes you think I'll hate everything?" Gerard asked, trying not to sound hurt.

"What don't you hate?" he answered, causing Gerard's face to get hot.

None of them said anything after that and Gerard kept searching for Aly. Where was she?

She arrived fifteen minutes later, hair mussed, and eyes distant.

"Hey guys," she said, too loudly and too happily. "They're gonna be on soon."

"Where've you been?" Ray teased and everyone laughed, except Gerard, who sat there wondering what was so funny.

"What?" he asked and Mikey rolled his eyes. "Obviously she was with Frank," he said and his tone made Gerard tense up.

Obviously she was with Frank.

He imagined Frank's hands on her and it made him sick to his stomach. Aly wasn't that kind of girl. She wouldn't give herself away like that and he knew it. But she seemed too happy for nothing to have happened.

Frank and his band came on, announcing their names and thanking the crowd for coming. The crowd was formed around the stage, eagerly cheering them on. Aly started to get up to join them, but Gerard grabbed onto her wrist.

"What did you and Frank do?" he asked in a hushed voice. This was Mikey and Ray's cue to leave and they did so quickly, running for the crowd.

She wriggled her arm out of his hold, scowling. "We just smoked pot and hung out. We didn't do anything, if that's what you're suggesting."

He didn't like the thought of her being with Frank period, he decided. He also decided he didn't like Frank, for that matter.

He glared up at the band and at Frank, who was singing and moaning into the microphone. He hated him. Oh, he hated him with every fiber of his being.

"I'm gonna go join the crowd. You're okay?" Aly asked.

No. Because for some reason, I'll never like the thought of you being with other guys. It makes me physically ill, imagining you with Frank. I'm not okay, Aly. I promise.

"I'm great," he said instead and watched her go. He stayed at the table in the back of the dark cafe, glaring and despising the stupid band before them. He watched Aly dance and jump about, singing along with Frank. How did she know his lyrics? She looked stupid, Gerard thought. She looked really stupid.

After the show, he, Mikey, and Ray stood outside, waiting for Aly and Frank to come out. They were packing up their instruments and she was watching, telling him over and over again how good the show was.

Gerard leaned against the building, arms crossed over his chest. He was pissed and he wanted to leave.

"I told you you'd hate it," Ray said unhelpfully.

"Just...don't," Gerard answered.

As if on cue, Aly and Frank walked out together. Really together. His arm was slung over her shoulder like he owned her. It made Gerard feel better, though, that Frank was a good four inches shorter than her. They weren't a cute or graceful couple and that helped.

"How'd you like it?" Frank asked them, earning an "it rocked!" from Ray and Mikey.

Gerard didn't say anything and Aly kept her eyes on him.

"I'm gonna head home," Gerard finally announced, clapping his hands together. "Mikey, you riding with me?"

"No, I'm probably gonna go back to Ray's."

Since when are you two so close? Gerard thought bitterly.

"Aly? You want a ride?" He asked, trying not to look hopeful.

She looked from him to Frank. "...sorry. I think I'm gonna stick around with Frank."

Frank smiled at Gerard, "I've got it under control, man. Thanks for coming."

Don't talk to me like that. I'm not your friend. And take your arm off of her. She hates when guys are all over her in public.

"No problem. See you guys," he said instead.

He walked to his car alone and he drove home alone and he realized it'll probably always be like this - him being alone and pissed and whatnot.

When he got home, his mom frantically greeted him at the door. She was in hysterics - sobbing and asking where he'd been and saying there'd been an emergency.

"What? Mom, I can't understand you. What happened?" he asked, his insides growing cold as he watched his mother fall apart.

She grabbed his arm, practically dragging him to the kitchen. "Sit down," she cried, forcing him into a seat. She sat across from him, putting her face in her hands. She was breathless, desperately trying to find words.

"Where's Alyson? We need to find Alyson."

"She's...with her boyfriend. What's...happened?"

"Her mom died, Gerard. Mary died."