A Love Song For The Things I Didn't Do

"Art school," Gerard told her. "I'm going. It's in New York."

It wasn't fair, because without warning, Aly was hit with a swarm of all sorts of unexplained emotions. Initially, she was ecstatic. Her boyfriend, her best friend, her absolute everything had always dreamed of going far to pursue his art. However, imagining him so far away made her chest tighten. And then she felt angry for being so selfish. And then, after the anger faded, she was terrified. He was going to be so far away.

She swallowed hard. "What?"

He repeated himself, louder this time, and her heart broke all over again.

No, she thought, biting her lower lip. She always knew this was going to happen. She just never realized it was going to be so overwhelming.

Gerard was going off to be successful and fall in love with a fresh face and embark on all sorts of fulfilling adventures. And Alyson? She was staying in New Jersey because she lacked the money and grades to go anywhere else. Not to mention, her father was completely unhelpful and unsupportive. She always became tired when she got thinking about it. So she tried not to. After high school, she was working in the town's music cafe. At least she'd get to see live bands every night, she would reason with a tired shrug.

Gerard didn't know these were her plans. She was nervous that he'd be disappointed, but now, as they sat here on his front porch steps with no other obligations and all the time in the world, she knew the subject would come up.

As if reading her thoughts, Gerard said suddenly, "You never really say what you want to do. I bet something with music."

She adjusted the sleeves of her sweatshirt and her shoulders slumped forward. "Yeah, something with music..." she said, being honestly truthful.

He rubbed his thumb over her knee. "Like what? Have you talked to your dad about it?"

She could've slapped him. She was not in the mood to discuss her future or her father and the way he was looking at her, as if he was trying to read her or something was driving her nuts.

"Let's just talk about something else," she said, clapping her hands together. "Summer's almost here and we have to..."

"No, I don't want to talk about summer. Why won't you talk to me about this? What did your dad say?"

There was absolutely no avoiding it. She pushed her hair behind her shoulders and tried to plan her words carefully.

My dad won't say anything without yelling. I'm not going to college. I'm staying here forever and I'll probably rot in this town, while you're off living life to its fullest.

"I'm...staying...here," she settled on instead, refusing to make eye contact. She looked at her lap, at his tattered Converse, at anything but the look of disappointment that she was sure was on his face.

"What're you saying? There's no way you mean that," he said, sounding shocked.

"Don't act so surprised," she muttered, shaking her head. "You knew there was no way I could get out of here."

"You need to get out of here," he demanded, suddenly sounding very upset. "Alyson Jean, you have too much potential to not go anywhere."

She wanted to scream at him. What potential? What's so special about me? YOU'RE the one with the talent, you idiot.

Instead, she looked into his eyes - directly - and nearly lost her breath. He was looking at her so intensely and with his large hazel eyes, he was telling her so much. He was telling her that he needed her to just try and that he loved her and couldn't let her stay here. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently, his eyes warming. Now, he was telling her simply, that it would be okay.

"Gerard, don't do that," she said, fighting off tears.

"Don't do what?"

"Don't LOOK at me that way. Maybe I want to stay here. Ever think of that?"

He let go of her hand and sighed. He stared at the road before them, shaking his head. "You don't want to stay here. You don't know what you're talking about."

"How would you know?" she seethed. "This is where my mom lived. Every memory I have of her is from this place." Now she was lying and playing the dead Mom card. As she expected, the guilt trip was working. His face softened immediately.

"Aly...I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

Guilt surged through her entire body, draining what was left of her energy. But she kept it up. "You get it now? I'm working at CC's Music Cafe and maybe when I save up enough money, I'll go somewhere or something. I don't know. All I know is I'm not ready to go headfirst into the real world."

He just watched her with empathy.

"You make me feel crazy, Gerard. The way you're looking at me right now sends butterflies right to my stomach. I just - I love you, okay?"

Without warning, he leaned forward and kissed her. It was too quick, but it gave her everything she needed, really. She smiled, which naturally made him smile, and she figured things would have to be okay with him at her side.

**

Gerard was packing for college. He was actually doing this. He took his time, making sure to appreciate every item he packed. He sat on the edge of his bed, holding a book Aly made him when they were in first grade. It was made of brightly colored construction paper and stapled down the middle. It was titled in dark purple crayon: 'Things I love by Alyson Parker.' He smiled and turned the first page. 'I love Gerard and cats.' Beneath the text, was a very happy little Gerard with a big smile. Next to him, was a cat with large pointing ears and an identical smile. He turned to the second page and laughed out loud, remembering that the rest of the pages were blank.

"That's because I love you and cats more than anything else," he remembered her whispering in explanation, after giving him the book.

He carefully placed the little book in the open box next to him. He looked around his room with a heavy heart. He was thrilled and terrified all at once of leaving this place behind.

He thought of Mikey and his mom and dad and Aly. He decided in this moment, that even though he'd be in New York, he wouldn't really ever be fully there. A part of him would stay with these people he loved so much forever. They were his home.

Don't start getting all sentimental, he scolded himself. He wasn't leaving for another two days and he had plenty of time to mope and reminisce.

There was a knock on his door and before he could permit entrance, the door was creaking open, revealing a timid Mikey.

"Oh, hey. What's up?" Gerard asked him.

"This is so weird," Mikey admitted in a hoarse whisper.

"Yeah...it's gonna be different, that's for sure."

"I mean, just look at your room. It feels like you're...I don't know, going away forever or dying or something."

Mikey looked so feeble in that moment. Gerard furrowed his brow at him. "Are you okay? I'm not leaving forever, Mikes. You know that."

"I know," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "I just...feel like I should be bonding with you before you go. Because things will never ever be the same."

What was this? Gerard wanted to give him a good pat on the back and let him know that this wasn't permanent. He wasn't disappearing and they would always remain in contact.

Without speaking, Mikey crossed the room and Gerard stood, and as if it had been rehearsed, they swallowed each other in a hug. They hadn't really hugged in years and as Mikey held onto his older brother for dear life, Gerard let him know that they'd both be fine.

"You've always been the best big brother," Mikey let him know, trying not to get too swept up in the corniness. "I mean it, Gerard. You were never mean or pushy. You taught me so much."

Fuck New York, Gerard thought, Mikey and Aly, you're everything.

However, in two days, he did in fact leave for New York. His things were all packed in the car and Donna was already in the driver's seat, ready to go.

His father, Mikey, and Aly stood on the edge of the driveway, watching the sight sorrowfully.

"You guys should see yourselves," Gerard joked lightly. "This isn't a funeral, you know."

"Feels like it," Mikey grumbled and Alyson nodded in agreement.

Gerard rolled his eyes playfully. "Lighten up, both of you. Look at Dad here - he stands tall and proud, immune to emotion."

"Watch it," his dad warned, ruffling his son's hair, like he was a kid again.

Gerard allowed it, smiling, and even allowed the monstrous bear hug.

"You better be smart over there," his dad said, giving him a final pat on the back.

Gerard let him know that he couldn't promise anything and turned to Mikey, hugging him without question.

"You're gonna be okay, Mikey," he promised, squeezing him hard. "Keep an eye on Aly," he added in a low whisper. Mikey nodded understandingly.

And then, what he'd been dreading the most - saying goodbye to Aly.

They'd barely gotten a chance to be a couple and already, he had to leave her.

They watched each other for a second and as he was trying to find the right words, she lunged forward, pulling him in a tight hug.

"You better not forget about me," she said, half-laughing, half-crying.

"Alyson, as if I could ever," he said, hugging her harder.

"If I say anything else, I'm going to cry and never stop," she said, finally pulling apart from him. Knowing he'd do the same, he had to leave it at that.

And just like that, with the goodbyes finalized and his mom waiting in the car, he got in...and she drove out and kept driving until he reached the new life waiting for him.

He stared out the window during the entire ride, promising himself that a simple atmosphere change wouldn't really change anything.