A Love Song For The Things I Didn't Do

"You're lonely, aren't you?" Frank asked, catching her by surprise.

Aly wasn't sure where this remark came from and glanced nervously around the cafe. The place was quiet tonight. She wasn't supposed to mingle with customers, but since her manager was on break, she carried on with Frank.

"No," she answered slowly. "Why...would you say that?"

He leaned in closer to the counter, shrugging. "Because you seem really distant."

She couldn't argue that. She was distant, undeniably. Her mind was always off in New York City with Gerard. That made her pathetic, maybe, but it didn't make her lonely. Aly promised herself that she was not lonely. (She was lonely).

"See, you're doing it again. You're staring off into space, looking all empty and alone."

She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Whatever, Frank. Do you want something or not?"

"Ah, yes," he said, his eyes traveling up to the menu. "How about...a medium Mountain Dew?"

Again, she rolled her eyes. The last thing he needed was caffeine.

"Hey, we're doing a show tonight. I need energy," he explained defensively, as she scooped the ice into the paper cup.

Aly was tired. She was tired of only having high school friends. Mikey and Frank were now seniors and they were embarrassingly enough, her only companions lately. She was tired of having to listen to bad live music every night. She was tired of Gerard's stupid absence. It hurt all the time and made her feel incompetent.

She gave Frank his Mountain Dew, but he was off before she could collect his money. He joined his band at the stage, who were setting up their instruments.

She sighed, not caring enough to charge him. It had been one of those especially draining days where every minuscule thing found a way to be wrong. First, it had been her hair, that refused to stay into place. Soon, it was her car not starting and forgetting her lunch and being mocked by an angry customer and interrogated by Frank. She wanted to crawl into her bed and submerge herself in her dreams. Everything else sucked, really.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket and that snapped her right out of feeling sorry for herself. It was Gerard, she could tell, without even having to read the screen. She didn't care that phones were prohibited at work. She blatantly fished it out of her pocket and answered it cheerfully.

"Hellloooo," she practically sang.

"Alyson, I need a ride." It was her dad. Her shoulders dropped, along with her hope and good mood. (That lasted long).

"I'm working," she answered shortly.

"I don't give a damn where you're at. I have no way home and you'll help your father out."

You're not my father. You're a sperm donor and a stranger and I hate you with everything in me.

"No."

"If you want to stay under my roof, you'll get me home!" he said, raising his voice now.

She stilled, not wanting things to get worse.

"Dad, I'm telling you. I can't. I'm literally the only person on shift right now. Where are you even?"

"Sam's bar," he explained furiously. Of course.

Before, she could offer to call a cab for him, he was flying off the handle - cussing and threatening and screaming, all so suddenly.

"Dad," she said in a small voice, trying to cut him off.

"No, you listen to me!" he interjected. "You're just like your mother - fucking unhelpful."

Frank read her face from across the room and furrowed his brow. "Are you okay?" he mouthed. But she didn't answer. She stood there, motionless, soaking in her father's words. She couldn't go home to him. Not ever again.

"Don't even bother coming back," he said, as if reading her mind. "You're out, just like your mom."

Her breath caught in her throat and she threw her phone over the counter, right at the stage, where it slammed against the drum set.

Frank's entire band froze and watched her with wide eyes.

"Aly...what happened?" Frank finally asked, cutting the silence.

"I got kicked out," she said, the words shocking even herself.

"I'm...so sorry," he said, at a loss for words.

She didn't know if she expected him to offer her a place to stay. Something would've been nice. But no offers or suggestions were made. The band simply continued setting up and tuning. Every so often, Frank were glance at her worriedly.

Pretty soon, more and more people were filing in for the show and before Aly knew it, it was a full house. There was a large crowd around the stage. Frank's band played and Aly stood at the cash register, silently cursing everything. She wished they would learn some new songs, because she'd heard the same three millions of times before.

"You are so enjoying herself," a familiar voice said from the counter and Aly jumped. For a second, in the dark, she could've sworn it was Gerard. But after careful inspection and with a sinking stomach, she saw that it was just Mikey.

"Great to see you, too," Mikey yelled over the music, which had crescendoed into Frank's screams.

"Sorry," she muttered. "One of those days, you know?"

"Yeah, Frank texted me. That's why I'm here."

She looked from Mikey to the stage. "You're not here for the band?"

"Aly, we're all tired of his freaking band," he laughed. "No, I'm here because you're coming home with me. Mom already said it was okay."

She stilled and her mouth dried.

"No way, Mikey Way," she said with blank astonishment.

"Way," he confirmed.

She tried not to look too eager, but before she knew it, a wide smile was filling her entire face.

"I would hug you so hard right now if there wasn't a counter between us."

"Ah, don't sweat it. Gerard would want this, too."

That made her sadder and happier at the same time, in an overwhelming swell of emotions. Gerard cared about her and being reminded of this, never failed to make her feel better. But she hated how now everyone talked about him like he was dead. It made his absence feel heavier.

After her shift ended, Mikey drove her straight home with him, swearing they'd get her things when her Dad for sure wasn't home.

Donna swallowed her in a hug as soon as they stepped inside, promising that she always had a place here. Aly couldn't even express her gratitude.

She slept in Gerard's bed and took in all the familiar smells and sights. She loved his quirky, mismatched bedroom. She loved the strange art that hung on the walls and the random knick-knacks that cluttered his desk. It was him essentially.

Before she could stop herself, she was feeling around in the dark for her cellphone. She had to hear his voice and she had to hear it now.

He answered groggily after the third ring.

"Gerard?" she asked timidly.

"Alyson...? What's wrong...? What time is it? Shit, what's wrong?"

"Relax. It's not an emergency. I'm sorry it's so late," she explained quickly.

"It's okay," he said, yawning. "What's...up?"

"I got kicked out. I thought you should know. I'm with your family."

There was a silence, in which she could practically hear him furrowing his brow and digesting the news and frowning thoughtfully.

"I don't know what to say, except I'm glad you're safe. Did things get pretty nasty between you and your Dad?"

"They could've been worse," she admitted. "If I would've gone home, they would've gotten out of hand. But everyone's okay."

"I'm so glad you called me," he said. "I worry about you all the time...it's just nice to hear that you're in good hands now."

"I'm staying here until I figure something out."

"Stay as long as you need to. I know Mom would agree with me on that - that you're always welcome there."

She nodded, forgetting he couldn't see her. She felt so close to him now, in his bed with his scent, and his deep, comforting voice in her ear. It was like he'd never left at all.

"Okay?" he prodded gently.

"Okay," she agreed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Try to keep your chin up, too. I know things are tough right now, but if there's anyone I know who can handle it, it's you. I love you."

"I love you."

There was never anything she meant more.

**

For Gerard, more or less, Aly did start keeping her chin up. She stopped feeling sorry for herself and started warmly embracing, even the shitty parts of her life. She stopped caring that her only friends were in in high school. She stopped caring that she lost all communication with her family. She was smiling more at work and receiving more tips. She was even befriending some of the bandmates that came through.

One girl, a drummer, offered her drum lessons, and Aly, wanting to be more of a risk taker, accepted. They started meeting at the cafe an hour after closing every week.

"You've got to feel the rhythm," the girl explained. "Feel it and you'll be it."

Aly watched the girl talk, realizing she was jealous. This girl, with her short spiked hair and pierced face, was fearless. She was going after her dreams, not even caring that the odds were against her.

Aly decided she needed to start doing that. She wanted a purpose restored to her life and she wanted to be fearless and unpredictable.

She wanted to go to New York.

That's it. I'm saving every penny and I'm going to live in New York, she decided, right in the middle of her drum lesson.