The Flower Will Blossom

Sitting in the driver’s seat with a hand resting on the wheel and the other slowly running through his hair was a sight that made me feel anxious. As I approached the car door my eyes would not dare move, curiously absorbing my boyfriend and the strange mood he was in. When I reached the door and sank into the passenger seat the subtle scent of citrus and spice from Adam’s cologne lingered in the air. I leaned forward to greet Adam hello with a peck however he couldn’t have been quicker in turning his head away so his eyes were focused ahead causing the kiss to be redirected from his lips to his cheek. I pulled away unsure of what had triggered this cold treatment and foul mood. The anger I had initially vowed to oppress for Adam’s lateness was creeping back, my jaw clenched to lock my mouth tight and forbid the unleashing of some very colourful words. Instead, I sat in silence as a que for Adam to explain himself and his sour presence. We sat in the stationary car enveloped with silence for a few minutes. There were a million thoughts racing through my head at that moment, yet I knew to keep tight lipped and have him cough up an explanation. I let my eyes burn holes into the side of his face seen as Adam dare not make eye contact with me once since I arrived. Adam let an exasperated sigh escape. It was at that moment I felt uneasy, my throat dry and constricted. I couldn’t explain why my stomach was twisting into knots and my breathing quickened with panic. I hoped Adam could explain and calm me seen as it was his off presence triggering this anxiety. Desperate for reassurance I grabbed Adam’s hand that had been resting in his lap. He took my hand lovingly and gently rubbed small circles with his thumb. This gesture seemed to soothe both Adam and I. A mount of tension lifted and I noticed Adam begin to relax which rubbed off on me. His shoulders which were rigid and square now slumped forward and the hard exterior he held softened.

“Are you okay?” I questioned, careful to keep my voice tender and laced with concern.

Adam quickly pulled his guard back up. Adam’s hard exterior I thought I had managed to knock down had built back up instantly. This time his mood set in stone. He jerked his hand away as if my hand were like a boiling hot surface burning his skin. He placed both hands on the steering wheel with every muscle in his body tensed.
“I’m fine,” he feigned nonchalantly, “let’s just go because we’re already super late for the reservation.”

Folding arms across my chest I scoffed unable to hide how unimpressed I was, “Yeah well whose fault was that” I stated rather than questioned to remind Adam of his poor punctuality tonight.

Not even bothering to respond Adam decided to ignore my entire presence, twisting the keys in the ignition and turning the car’s radio up to allow Gotye’s ‘Somebody I Used to Know’ to dismiss the conversation and drown out the prolonged silence to the restaurant.

Disgusted in Adam’s immaturity and foul mood I kept my arms knotted across my chest and eyes fixed out the window. Not having the energy or effort to fully direct the anger brewing within I stayed quiet the remainder of the car ride, hoping the silence was deep and tense enough to make Adam internally squirm and offer me either an apology or a plausible reason for his feral mood. It was wishful thinking, because neither happened. Instead Adam decided upon an even ruder and obnoxious approach choosing to hastily park the car, slam his door shut and wait impatiently for me to unbuckle and get out purely so the car could be locked.

We approached the restaurant, Red Moon, in what had become normal for the night, an immense silence. We managed to keep a fair distance apart from each other. As Adam sorted the reservations with the waitress, I let my eyes scan the room. The dimly lit candles flickered within the red candle holders that decorated the carved out spots within the wall. The extravagant light shades that hung above sets of wooden tables and stools with delicate silk cushioning caught my attention. I loved the way the light shades matched the intricate swirl design of the black and white feature wall. Red Moon’s red, black and white colour scheme was splashed amongst the Thai restaurant’s furniture and walls. Whenever I saw those colours together my first thought was Red Moon and usually my stomach growled longing for a killer Pad Thai or stir fry dish. I politely smiled hello at the elder waitress who recognised us both, she worked regular long shifts at the place. Adam and I had been regulars there since our first date which was roughly three and a half years ago, so it was no surprise we were being led to the same familiar table we were always seated at ever since Adam requested it- a reclusive, quiet spot hidden in the back left corner.

Upon walking to the table I spotted a familiar face-John O’Callaghan. There he was looking clean cut in a crisp navy v-neck shirt wearing a lopsided smirk with the company of another face I recognised-Eric Halvorsen-bouncing in a seat beside him. Eric was highly animated telling a story to the company of two girls opposite them, his brown eyes wide, shaking his head of shaggy hair and using big hand gestures to emphasis points throughout. In the mean time John had his elbows resting on the table, leaning closer to the jet black haired vixen that was intensely eye-fucking him. John had no interest in the conversation taking place with Eric being too busy charming his date with his aesthetics and cocky presence. I couldn't help myself but to let out a scoff at the sight of it. I never understood the appeal of boys like John or Eric; they were terribly overrated. Girls seemed to swoon over them and all I could rule it down to was their skills as a musician. I rolled my eyes knowing I had them all figured out- the reality is, they’re over confident guys with an inflated ego lacking any real appeal. Their oozing of cockiness distracted girls from the bigger picture, they were aspiring musicians who hadn’t had a break through and already had a serious problem thinking they were king shit.

As Adam and I passed directly by the boy’s table all dramatic tension to the story Eric was sharing evaporated as his sentence was cut short, “And then, John and I tried to sneak backstage by telling secur-“

“Wankers” Adam muttered under his breath as he passed by, dragging me by the hand to ensure I was following close behind. I immediately felt heat rise up my neck as I stole a glance at John and Eric, praying they hadn’t noticed Adam’s slander. This wasn’t the case. It was very clear they had heard because now Eric had swallowed his words and his mouth was hanging open in shock before quickly snapping back shut. His expression promptly transformed from one of initial disbelief to a form of hate completely directed at the couple. Eric’s eyes narrowed shooting fiery looks of loathing at them both. John hardly seemed phased by the insult, choosing to roll his eyes at Adam and scoff before cursing something most likely unpleasant under his breath to which Eric and the girls joined by sneering at the couple.

The heat continued to creep from my neck, tainting my cheeks pink immediately from the humiliation felt by the public scene Adam was creating. I gave Adam’s hand a firm tug to scorn him and warn him to stop provoking unnecessary trouble. Sure, Eric and John weren’t our two favourite people but I felt embarrassed by Adam’s immaturity for sparking a dispute. A dispute that wasn’t even provoked. Adam was being a rude dickhead which had me feeling so ashamed to be his girl. I let strands of loose blonde hair fall over my face like a curtain and my gaze fell to the floor in shame, trying to avoid the filthy stares currently being shot at Adam and I.

“What the hell is up with you? That was so inappropriate!” I hissed at Adam after I hastily pushed him towards the table out of Eric and John’s earshot.

Adam simply shrugged failing to acknowledge any wrong in his rudeness.

Struggling to keep my voice hushed I leaned close towards him, “They didn’t say or do anything to us Adam. There was no reason to be such a dick in public like that. I don’t care if they’re wankers, there’s just no need to say it aloud. It’s pretty clear you hate them already without attacking them out at dinner!”

Adam let out an exaggerated sigh as if this was a fight we had recurringly that he tired of, “Can we just not talk about them anymore?” He rolled his honeycomb coloured eyes before raking fingers through his dark, gel spiked hair. “They’re douches and you’re wasting your breath. They deserved that. The sluts they’re with needed to hear what toolbags they’re dating.”

I shook my head incredulously, “See, that’s the thing. YOU look like the toolbag I’M dating for having the immaturity in the first place to start trouble.”

“This is ridiculous.” Adam stated matter of factly squaring his shoulders. The upright posture complimenting his toned physique. The well fitted collared button up shirt making his muscular chest and shoulders appear impressively broad and defined. He kept himself looking fit, never once slacking off despite locking down my absolute adoration for him for three and a half years. I admired his determination, it had me motivated to stay toned and keep myself looking good with regular gym visits, hair appointments and beauty pampering. In this moment though, his determination has straddled on the borders of stubbornness.

“I don’t think it is ridiculous, Adam. You’ve got to see the stupidity in what you’ve done. No one makes the effort to go out of their way and express their dislike for someone at our age. That’s what thirteen year old bitchy girls do to entertain their boring teenage lives with drama.” As I rambled on my anger was further fuelled by Adam’s disregard to the situation. He scanned Red Moon’s menu calmly, barely acknowledging me and the serious conversation I was trying to make with him. “You are such a prick sometimes, Adam.” I finished, spitting my words at him with venom.

He snapped his menu shut to make direct eye contact wearing a solemn expression and using a deadbeat tone, “Then leave me if I’m not good enough for you.”

Rendered speechless, my jaw dropped. There were a million different things running through my mind but I was not capable of sorting through the thoughts to become more coherent and focus on any one at one time. Instead I let the riot of emotions envelop me and sat there quiet and in complete shock.

“I never said th-“I began to defend herself.

“- I know you didn’t say that, but that’s how it feels sometimes” he interjected with frustration. His facial expression as hard as stone with lips pursued tightly together and a fiery glare.

I swallowed my words, a lump forming in my throat. There was no hope disguising the hurt. “I’m sorry” I barely whispered blinking back tears as Adam and I stared intensely at one another.

The apology only disturbed Adam more. He abruptly broke the eye contact dropping his eyes to his hands in front of him. He covered his face with his hands before gaining composure and facing me again, I watched his exterior harden. Shaking his head he said softly, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

“What?” I squeaked.

Adam’s mouth opened to form words that were soon lost as his mouth shut again. Thinking carefully of the best way to arrange his words his features scrunched together in deep concentration. I carefully watched him placing a closed knuckle into his other hand; as if he were trying to mould his hands together however they just wouldn’t fit neatly in one another. He kept gently punching and twisting his closed fist into his other hand’s palm while speechless. I squirmed in my seat uneasy as I waited for an explanation.

Taking in a shaky breath of air, Adam reattempted an explanation, “I’ve been seeing someone else.”

I swear my heart stopped beating for a minute and my stomach dropped. Nausea washed over me, I could feel the sickness creeping up my throat. The room was spinning, becoming a blur of red, white and black. Black spots interfered with my vision as I lost focus and light headiness began to overcome me. Rapidly my whole body felt clammy.

“Em, are you okay?” worry swirled in his honeycomb eyes, “You’re really pale. I’ll get you some water.” He panicked, ushering for a waitress before immediately demanding water.

‘Focus on your breathing’ I kept telling myself internally trying to block out the million other thoughts racing through my head. The last thing I wanted was to be sick or faint at the restaurant in front of everyone. For a few minutes I sat there taking care to breathe in and out while waiting for my temperature to readjust. Everytime I tried to comprehend what was happening, I would lapse into the same state of nausea and dizziness having to rechannel my focus on breathing.

Once all my coping mechanisms kicked in, cooling my body temperature off and steadying my breathing I skulled the remaining cool glass of water in front of me. Now it was time to confront the horrid confession Adam had just dealt.

“How long?” I choked, unsure of whether I really wanted to know.

“It doesn’t matter” Adam dismissed, still appearing distraught by my reaction and worrying about my current state. He shook his head and muttered to himself, “I misjudged this. I didn’t think you’d take it this badly…this was the wrong time…”

I felt my wits beginning to return, I began to understand and really feel some of the emotions - a strong mix of hurt, betrayal, sadness and pure fury. “How long I said?!.” I tried using a firm tone to demand the answer however my words caught in my throat coming out uneven and shaky. I internally cursed myself for not sounding stronger.

“A year.”

I closed my eyes clenching my jaw tightly together. It was a battle trying to maintain composure in such a public place. The last thing I felt like was dealing with the humiliation of everyone watching me breakdown and pity me.

In a barely audible whisper I questioned aloud more to myself than Adam “Why?” I couldn’t understand what had led him to cheat, the very thought upsetting me while I blinked back the tears forming at the brim of my eyes.

Adam didn’t have an answer; he sat there in silence shaking his head back and forth shrugging his shoulders while verbally paralysed.

Taking another shaky breath, it took all I had in me not to be sick as I tried to form the next question cohesively, “Do you still love me?”

My blue eyes were now watery from a build up of salty tears, cheeks still ghostly white like a sheet. Adam cringed at the question, squirming in discomfort and pain as if a thorn was stuck in his side. His eyebrows knitted together and creases formed on his forehead from the deep frown he now wore.

Clearing his throat “Well yes but-“

“-Then we can fix this.” I raked a hand through my blonde hair before pulling medium length strands behind my shoulders. A part of me knew I was making impulsive decisions and taking irrationally fast action for such a serious circumstance. However I just didn’t want to think rationally, I wanted Adam and if he wanted me then that was enough. I had myself convinced it could be fixed. I loved him.

“No Emily. No. We can’t fix this. Will you just give me a minute?” he pleaded to rid what he had bottled up.

I felt myself crumble again but I nodded hesitantly to indicate for him to continue on, “I can’t love you like I used to…I can’t guarantee this won’t happen again.”

My face dropped as absolute devastation overcame me. My heart was pounding viscously, slamming hard against my chest as if it were proving its important living function and trying to resist me from wrenching it out of my chest then and there. My bottom lip was red and swollen from anxiously biting down on it. Again, I was reminded of the scratchy razor sharp pain in my throat as I struggled to swallow the dry lump that had formed and constricted my airways. I felt herself crashing. Everytime I thought I was the calm foamy residue of a wave washing upon the shore I felt myself get sucked back up in an ocean of horrid thoughts of betrayal. These thoughts brew inside of me before I would again crash, but each time faster and harder with more impact.

Adam reached across the table to grab my hand before giving it a gentle squeeze, so weak I barely noticed it. “Give yourself time Em. Have some self respect, you deserve better than this.”

“Then why would you do this to me?” I cried unleashing the frustration.

Maintaining a calm exterior with a hushed yet sincere voice he tried to soothe the pain “I’m sorry, I can’t give you what you want and need.”

I jerked my hand out of his, getting to my feet abruptly causing the chair to screech against the timber floor. Adam without protest remained seated as he watched me leave. The room began to swirl into a blur as I quickly weaved past tables of people towards the exit of the restaurant rushing hastily as fast as my feet would allow outside letting the door slam behind me. Not a single fuck was given as I made the dramatic exit out of Red Moon