Speak Up

Riley and James.

James and Riley.

It sounded so good that music was put to shame. Well, maybe, to him, it was music. Because he'd wake up every morning and he would think of those words and then his whole face would lighten up, eyes sparkling behind those bangs.

How long had he loved her? How could he tell? Could a four year old fall in love with the girl in the neighbor's sand box by just listening to her?

Fine, so he had no idea when he had fallen for her. But he did know that there was no possible way he could tell her what overdosed butterflies were swinging in his stomach whenever he thought of her.

He had told her once that she was the prettiest girl in the entire world, but he had never acted on the magic of the moment. She had wanted him to.

"Can you believe prom's almost here?"

Kara's squeal could not have reached more ears. As passing students scowled, laughed, or joined her excitement, Riley could not really see how her best friend could bundle up so much energy inside her.

Alerted by the thematic squeal, Sebastian Evans wiggled his eyebrows at his three companions: Robert Rhodes, Carl Cooper and James Dunn. With silent jokes, they followed his swagger moves as he made his way to Riley's table.

Only one of them felt his heartbeat quicken at the sight of her.

Sebastian made school pass easier. He didn't make it look like we were loners. It came actually as a cool fact that you were friends with Seb.

You've always hated Seb because he was constantly looking for someone to impress through all the wrong methods. He pretended to smoke just to get attention. He claimed low alcohol tolerance from anything. 'Bad girls' came to him like flies. Really, it was just the teenage fascination with the rebellious boy in school. He tried everything just to look 'cool', just to get the extra attention. And he loved it. His older sister had her reputation, as well, so the Evans siblings were pretty much the coolest thing to be around of.

But I never tried anything of what he did. Sure, he got me into playing pool. But then he had always made fun of me because I was the one in the group who didn't get drunk for the fun of it and who didn't smoke just to look good. And yet I was always around him.

You accused me of being an idiotic follower. At the time I countered your argument with the simple reason that he was my friend and that I was just being loyal to him. But I was a blind follower. Because I didn't believe that there were other people out there seeking for my company. That was my excuse then. It is no more.

I was afraid of what people would have thought, had I broken out of Seb's circle.

"So, Ri-Ri, got yourself a date for the prom tonight?"

On instinct, her gaze wandered off to the lanky boy beside Seb. James refused to meet her gaze, purely out of cowardice. How could he look her in the eyes, when he knew what Sebastian was doing? And how could he, when he knew that if he did, she would read the jealousy inside him?

I'd never told him, but he knew that if there was one girl I would have wanted as a date, it was you. He had never liked you; your dislike was mutual.

"No, I don't have a date."

Of course she didn't. She was waiting for a particular boy to ask her, but then again, she had never given herself too many high hopes. He wasn't interested in dating, she had understood.

"Well, then..." Seb offered the girls at her table a confident smile while he began leaning against her chair. "Why don't we go together?

James felt his insides constrict, but said nothing.

Riley experienced shock and let the whole world see it.

She glanced at James, her neutral neighbor for now ten years. He remained impassive. She ran a hand through her hair, clearly annoyed by his lack of response.

"Sure."

Robert and Carl high-fived each other behind Seb's smirking figure. And she later on learned how much the stupidity and lack of communication between high school teenagers would cost her.

***

She looked wonderful in her dress, her mother told her. Riley was quite excited, herself. She'd fallen in love with the silky blue object the second she had seen it in the store. As for her best friend, Kara looked gorgeous in a simple black dress, showing off her curves.

In a white suit with the purpose of gaining attention, Seb picked her up a little tardily. But she didn't let that bother her, as she glanced at the house next to hers, only to see the lights turned off.

James had been early in arriving at the dance, spending his time around Robert and Carl, the three of them lacking dates for the night. Him, because he had never gotten around to overcoming his shyness. The other two, because they weren't exactly easy on the eyes.

When she walked in by Seb's arm, he couldn't help but feel crushed. He accepted the idea and went on to looking at the couples dance from his seat.

It became evident to Riley that Sebastian was really in no mood to dance. Instead, he invited her to smoke with him outside. She obviously declined and went over to Kara.

Three songs later, she felt her spirits fall. She had come here with a date, or at least a partner, and said partner was out searching for booze with the popular kids while all the couples were swaying on the dance floor.

She sighed and just then, she locked eyes with James over the tables. James, in his black dress shirt and trousers, looked fabulous, she realized. And he thought the same of her, as his eyes scanned the dress that seemed to float around her.

He motioned simply towards the dance floor, as if he didn't care. She thought about it for a moment, nerves swinging at the idea of dancing with him, but she nodded and followed him.

He took her hand and though they were both shaking, they faced each other and began slow dancing. She found that the tension between them eased in the slightest as they moved and she enjoyed the silence. But she still couldn't look him in the eyes. James was avoiding meeting her gaze, as well.

So they danced, looking at each other's shoulders, feeling good so close to one another.

And then the moment vanished just as quick as it had started. He let go of her and they both walked in silence to Seb's table. Beside Riley's date sat a dark haired, tanned girl who was known for her habit of overdoing things. There wasn't really much going on inside Melody's head, aside from Sebastian and smoking.

Riley had never been on Melody's good side and Melody had never like Riley, simply because she was too introverted. Sebastian didn't seem very pleased to see Riley approach. She noticed him scowl at her, then whisper something in Melody's ear.

As soon as the brunette locked eyes with Riley, she smirked and stood up, punch glass in hand.

"Riley, what a pleasure to see you here."

Melody slipped the glass. The drink fell straight onto Riley's blue dress, which began turning into a crimson shade of red. The act was met with laughter, as Melody continued to make dramatic faces.

"Come on, guys, it's not nice, stop looking this way!" she squealed. Of course, her tone implied an open invitation for people to look at Riley and laugh.

Seb crouched over in laughter. "This is going down in history."

Riley did her best not to cry, James soon realized. Because however infantile the prank was, it still hurt to be remembered as the girl with the red stain on her dress at prom. She took off her heels and stood up. And as she did, her dress got caught in a nail. And she managed to tear the blue material.

As the last photo was taken, she rushed outside by Kara's side and refused to let the tears fall, although it pained her that no one had stood up for her.

***

Later that night, she was hugging her knees in her backyard, staring at her mother's flowers. He couldn't explain what pushed him to do so, but he jumped over the fence and took a spot next to her.

At first, she had jumped, scared, but then she hid her face from him. And he knew that something was wrong.

He should have said something then, given that there was just the two of them. It should have been perfect: they were there anyway. And they should have ended up saying the things that they'd always needed to say.

Then he saw her shoulders shaking from her crouched position and his lungs could no longer gather air. She was crying. Crying because of a guy who was not even worth her once over. It hurt him, too, that the beautiful girl next to him was silently screaming at herself, but he did nothing.

He didn't know how to console her. Or he knew, but it had dawned on him years ago, when he had witnessed her first boyfriend hold her, that his actions would look too much like that guy's. And she'd see right through it, wouldn't she? And she would hate him for it, because, by the end of the day, Riley and James were just mere acquaintances. Not even best friends, at that. So he didn't know her, because Riley was always guarded. And as much as you thought you knew her, you really didn't, unless you were Kara. Though he doubted even Kara knew that much.

So, in the dim light of the moon and in the chained confines of his paranoiac eighteen year old mind, he did nothing.

James stood beside her and closed himself off and told her the dumbest of things (that, in his mind, was meant to be an excuse to himself, from himself, justifying his actions - or lack thereof). "Someday, somehow, I'm gonna make it alright..."

...but not right now.

And they had both gone their separate ways without another word or anything as much as a touch.

***

The news - the ground shattering news - came to her a week after prom. She was still upset, sadness caused by Sebastian and her clumsy best friend, when her parents had asked her for her opinion. And she had said 'yes'. Because she wanted out of there.

But that afternoon she went over to the house next door.

She felt obligated to let him know.

There had been very few occasions on which she had seen James' house. Mostly, those had implied polite meals between neighbors. Then, there were the few times that they had gone to his room to work on projects. There had been few of those. Two, to be more precise. They had never talked about anything else aside from the task at hand.

He was in his room, typing away at his computer. When he looked up, the first thing to cross his eyes was shock, then some other feeling warmed him up.

"Hi."

He responded meekly, "Hey".

"How's it going?"

Straining, he tried to keep himself composed. "Good. I was just...finishing something up." There was something else she wanted to say, he could feel it, so he dared to venture in. "To, uhm, what do I owe the pleasure?"

She shifted, the first thing that had his palms sweating. "I wanted to say thanks. For dancing with me at the prom. It was fun. I wish we could have danced more."

Those butterflies wouldn't sit still. "Yeah. I mean, it would have been really nice, but you had your partner, so yeah..."

He smiled and her disappointment in his response was evident.

I didn't know what you wanted from me.

I didn't know what I wanted from you.

"I'm moving out."

She didn't mean for those words to jump out of her mouth and fall flat between them. She didn't expect them to, really.

It hurt me. It was such a big hit, that I felt my knees go weak. Because you weren't just leaving the town, you were leaving me with that serious, blank look on your face. It hurt me, but I didn't tell you.

"Cool."

She turned around, staring at him with amazement. Had she expected a sudden outburst? Disappointment? Yes, she saw that last one, but within his eyes she also saw the deeper resignation.

You were always so guarded around me...and perhaps that's what bothered me most. You always made it feel like it was about me, avoiding the topic of 'you'. I hated and absolutely loathed the way you refused to get involved in something, the way you preferred to stay back and observe like a calm collector, the way you never really expressed what you felt, because you thought that it didn't matter. You'd wave your hand around in the lightest of gestures and offer a small smile that gave off the impression that you knew some hidden, underlining joke, while saying 'it doesn't matter'. I hated how you made me feel like I was responsible to look better in eyes, how I always felt like I had to do something to not make the things between us even more awkward than they were. I always ended up acting childish around you and then I felt stupid.

I hated how you felt, how your mind worked. I wished I could have hated you, because that would have made everything so much easier. You were never mean or arrogant. I don't think you were capable of such feelings - perhaps only if you were fooling around (did you ever do that?). You were calm, collected. The neighbors loved you because you were a peaceful guy, quiet, yet caring.

At least that's what I thought. Because, really, how many times have we been around each other? And how many times have we been able to see through the thick awkwardness of our rare proximity?

Neutral. That's how you always were. But it never made me mad until then.

"So that's just great, isn't it? We'll just carry on, like there's really nothing going on between us! Is there? I mean, I'm so sick and tired of trying to get you out of your shell just to see that you don't want that! You just want to be lonely, and miserable and you don't even give a damn about that! You don't care about me, because I'm just some neighbor's kid, so of course all you can say is 'cool'!"

"Don't say that," he chastised with little emotion in his voice.

"You are such a bloody hypocrite! You try to get everyone out of their comfort zone, you talk about releasing your inhibitions and setting yourself free and you try so damn hard to look plain, dumb! And you don't even know how to listen to your own advices! Even more, you toy with people!"

He could only shake his head as she went on.

"You're all words. And you hide behind them because you're just afraid of everyone and yourself! You're afraid of your parents, of me!"

"Stop it!"

"Me?! This is all you! What you've done!"

"Riley, I lo-"

"Fuck you, James!"

She slammed the door behind her, walking out in the small hallway. She ran home, to the house that had been next door for years, as she cried her heart out.

He took a hand full of his hair and pulled as he yelled out all his anger. In that spur of the moment, he would have said it, just for the sake of not having anything else to lose. And yet he didn't voice it loud enough. He lacked the strength.

I yelled at you. And you tried to yell something back, but my fire overcame yours.

I wished you'd unclench your fists. And change your mind from packing your suitcases. And I kept wondering why, why neither of us was able to see the signs that we missed, so that we could try and turn the tables.

***

Riley Collins left that next Friday, holding her childhood teddy bear like her most prized possession. He would know, because he had watched her the entire time from his window. He had seen her look at her old home with remorse.

He saw years of watching a black haired girl enjoy the beauty of her backyard tuck themselves in a special place in his heart. He saw confident smiles with the purpose of disarming the awkwardness between them lock themselves up in small confines of his being. He saw, and better yet, felt, words of encouragement of attempts to break out of his shyness claw at his insides like ignored and unfed beasts.

And he had witnessed her sob as she looked at his house. He touched the glass window.

"Someday, I'll make it alright."

***

"To another year of smooth collaboration and excellent articles!"

"Cheers!"

She'd made it as chief editor for a fashion magazine. For two years she had buried herself in work. For two years she had done nothing but focus on the continuous movement of life, averting her attention from her true demons. College had come and gone, her managing to get grades as high as possible. The people in her old town still never contacted her.

On that particular night, she felt nothing like partying. She wanted solitude.

So solitude she sought once she told her friends that she was going to rest and party later. On those empty streets of such busy city it was impossible for her thoughts not to corner her and mercilessly attack her. And again, she let them, because she'd grown accustomed to feeling her insides churn with unspoken feelings.

She wouldn't have seen him, had she not crashed into him. He would not have recognized her, had it not been for the butterflies in his stomach.

But they had recognized one another, because they knew, they had always meant so much to each other. Unlike her, he had changed a lot. Starting with his now short hair and finishing with his polished shoes. The once Bohemian punk could only be seen in the sparkle of those eyes. But he had changed on the inside, as well, though only he knew that. No longer was he afraid, no longer did he not speak up.

"Ri."

"Hi, James. You've changed!" she couldn't help but exclaim.

"Yes, I have. You still look like that strong beautiful girl in high school, though."

Sad silence overcame them as they stared at one another. The wind played with her black locks, the chilly air making her shiver.

"Have you been happy?" he suddenly asked.

And then she'd been forced to be honest, saying "No."

You were always the one to hesitate before consoling me.

His eyes were hurt, because of her pain. But this time he didn't put up his walls and for the first time in years, his warmth mixed with hers. And words could no longer describe how they felt pressed against each other.

It was both our faults.

I'll make it alright now.