You Don't Have To Love Me, You Already Did.

I wanted to have fun. I really did. I wanted to cheer up and have a good time like everyone else, but I just couldn't find it in me. I know what happened wasn't my fault. Everyone saw it coming, but I still couldn't seem to shake the feeling of guilt that had washed over me. The things I said before he died; and the things I didn't. Hell, I even wrote two fucking songs about him. And now he's gone… I was a disappointment in his eyes. I dropped out of college to pursue a career in music, when his dream had always been for his son to graduate from college, a successful man. Not that I'm not successful now, but ever since I dropped out, our relationship went down-hill. We hardly ever spoke, and now he's gone. I regret every minute I didn't spend by his side in the hospital when I knew he was sick. 

And now it's too late.

"Hey Ryan?" I glanced up to see Brendon standing over me with a concerned face. I didn't say anything, and he just took a seat next to me in the sand. "Ryan, are you alright buddy?" He asked patting me on the back. 

"Yeah." I lied quietly. 

He gave me a look that told me he didn't believe me. Then suddenly I was being pulled into an unexpected comforting hug. I couldn't help but return the gesture as he rubbed comforting circles on my back. 

"I'm sorry Ryan." he whispered. "I know it's hard on you, everything that happened with your dad, but you should try and cheer up a bit. Have some fun. It's not every day we get to hang out at Myrtle beach." he said with a sympathetic smile. 

"I know." was all I could manage to mumble. He let go of me and stood up, dusting off his shorts. 

"Come on." he said. I looked up and he was offering me his hand. "Lets go for a walk." I nodded in response and took his hand. He pulled me to my feet, then dropped my hand. I resisted the urge to reach out and take his hand back. I don't know why it was so much more comforting to hold his hand. Maybe it was because when I did it felt like he cared. Or maybe it's just the comforting feeling of having someone close to you. Either way, I wish he wouldn't have let go.

We began our walk in silence, walking side by side, arms almost touching, but not quite. It wasn't an awkward silence like some would imagine, more as a comfortable silence as we listened to the soft waves crashing down on shore not too far away. 

I hadn't noticed how far we had drifted from everyone else until I looked around and saw that we were alone for the most part. There was a crowed of people just barely visible in the distance. 

"Peaceful isn't it?" Brendon interrupted the silence with his soft voice. 

"Yeah." I agreed. This time with a small smile on my face. "It's a little cold though." 

"Yeah, a little." He agreed. He then wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rubbed up and down on my arm to create friction. "Feeling better?" he asked. 

"Yeah. A little. Thanks Brendon." I said with a weak smile. 

"Anytime." he said. He stopped walking and turned to give me one more hug. Only, this time, he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I know he didn't mean anything by it other then trying to make me feel better, he did this kind of thing all the time. I don't know came over me, but I had the sudden urge to return the kiss to his lips. And I did before I could stop myself. I pulled my head back from the hug and gently pressed my lips to his.

I pulled away when I realized what I had done. The look on his face was that of surprise. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. He looked just as confused as I felt. 

"I… uh… I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking." I mumbled before attempting to run off. He grabbed my arm before I could actually get away, and turned me, forcing me to look at him. 

"Um… that was… uh…" He stumbled over his words to try and find the right ones. I looked down at my feet, humiliated and not able to look him in the eye. I tried to break free of his grasp but he just held tighter. Then he pulled me closer again, and pressed his lips to mine. 

The kiss was loving and passionate. I prayed to the god that I don't believe in that he wasn't just doing this as an act of kindness. Because he felt bad for me and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I hoped that this wasn't just a pity kiss and that he really meant it. Just because I hate being pitied. 

I've never really thought of him as anything other then a friend until now. Maybe I just got caught up in the feeling of the moment, maybe I'm just crazy. But I wasn't going to loose this chance. Everything felt so right, and I wasn't going to stop it now. 

He was soon on his back, myself on top of him. The kiss didn't break, and I hoped my heart wouldn't either. 

The water tickled my feet. It was cold but I didn't care. Because soon our clothes were gone and so was I.   

The moon bred new Atlantic life tonight.the salt burned you right out of my eyes, and secrets we’re not proud of were taken with the tide. We were all newborns with blurred vision and no sense of direction. 

Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath. 
This is why I walk to the ocean, swim with jellyfish, I may never get this chance again. 
This is why if you want to kiss you should kiss. 
If you want to cry you should cry, and 
if you want to live you should live. 
You don’t have to love me. You already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia. It's for lovers (orjustfriends) 
This is why I do it.