Sensations

Dinner was the last thing on my mind as I left Joshua’s humble abode, traces of his lips lingering on my own as I nibbled on it gently, too content to have the ability to put my feelings into words. For the umpteenth time, I found myself driving towards my home, eager to talk to my grandmother, just as I often did when something that I considered to be significant happened in my life. Mind to clouded to concentrate, I was lucky to know the roads in this part of town better than the veins that often appeared on the back of my right hand—my life-line map.

Kat had been as amazing as Joshua had led me to believe, making me feel at home within minutes of crossing the threshold of his home for the first time. It was cozy and simple—the perfect place to raise someone like Joshua. Nowhere near expensive, but obviously the best Kat could afford. What a gem, she is.

The way she viewed Joshua, leaning towards him in her chair, eying me carefully at first, showed how important he was to her. Almost as if she had the maternal instincts emanating from her, but chose to act as the sister figure in his life, right where she belongs.

And sitting there, watching the way that she knew how to keep him happy with the smallest of words, I was struck with how easily she allowed Joshua to add me into their little twosome, our hands joined loosely on the edge of the table, my thumb playing across his thumb as Kat rambled on and on about one of their favorite memories. The way she’d glance at me, warning but approving all at once, showed that she was willing to allow us to exist, to have a chance, but if things went wild she wouldn’t accept it. And that’s exactly how any authoritative figure should view a situation such as theirs. After all, I was an intruder amongst two people who were completely comfortable with each other.

They looked so alike yet so different. Where Joshua had this naturally olive skin and ravenous locks, Kat had slightly lighter skin, though darker than mine, and light brown hair that fell in waves to the middle of her torso. She was the symbol of classic beauty, kind and intelligent and caring, but too focused on her younger sibling to allow herself to be loved. What a trooper.

That’s the kind of woman that I can go though life respecting and I’m damn proud that Joshua has someone like her guiding him through his life.

I wouldn’t say that the process of parking my car, getting out of it and inside my house, and hunting my grandmother down while she was reading under a lamp on the back patio in the middle of the night was robotic, because I was well aware of what I was doing even though it was all a blur at the same time. Nothing was making sense to me at this very moment.

“Well you’re home early,” she said slyly, peeking at me over her book before scanning the page quickly, shoving a red bookmark in it soon after. I peeked at the cover as I sat myself down next to her, my head resting on her shoulder as I kicked off my shoes. Catcher in the Rye-her favorite book.

“It’s almost midnight,” I said easily, “you shouldn’t be awake.”

“Well,” she grumbled, removing my head from her shoulder gently so that she could turn towards me and tuck her socked feet underneath me on our swinging love seat, her arm strewn across the back as the breeze barely rocked us. I mimicked her position quickly. “If I know you at all, which I do,” she pointed out, “you’d need someone to talk to before you burst.”

“I would not burst,” I said dumbfounded, hating how my Grandma knows that when I need to gush, I need to gush.

“Yeah, you would,” she said without even having to think about it. “You smell sort of like him, by the way, not really like your usual cologne. Smell’s good.”

“He’s my boyfriend,” I blurted out. “I smell like my boyfriend because we were sitting so close at dinner.”

She smiled gently, cradling her head as she tapped me on the knee approvingly. “Your boyfriend,” she repeated.

“Yeah, and call me crazy,” I found myself muttering, “but I think we have the potential to last a while.”

“Dayne,” she lectured, “it hasn’t even been a day.”

“I mean, okay, we just took the official title now, but it’s been like we were dating for longer than that. He’s just constantly on my mind and I trust him so much and you want to know what, Grandma, he trusts me! He and his sister trust me!” I explained to her, in slight shock of tonight’s revelations.

“She likes you?” She questioned softly, that smile playing at the corners of her lips once more.

I simply nodded my head, not knowing what else to say. I thought about our conversation in his bedroom, wondering if I should bring up bits and pieces, but decided that was something to keep to myself more than anything else. It’s too private, too special to really share with anyone.

“She’s awesome,” I found myself muttering, standing up as my Grandma did just that.

“I’m happy for you, Dayne, I can tell he makes you happy.”

“I know he does,” she said simply, leading me upstairs and towards my bedroom faster than I thought she was capable of. Then again, everything was passing by in a haze these days.

“Now, as happy as I am that you’re happy, this old woman has to go to bed,” she explained simply, shoving me gently inside my bedroom as she pecked my forehead and scurried into her own bedroom.

I stood in the doorway of my own room for a few moments, collecting my bearings before the biggest smile crossed my face.

I have a boyfriend.

I kicked off my clothing lazily, making sure to prepare a pile that needed to be ironed and not put through the washer. They’d get ruined. The thought of my grandmother wielding an iron while trying to fix up my pants made me freeze in horror. Dry-cleaning it is.

I grabbed my cell phone as I threw myself onto my bed, a soft, comfortable pair of sweatpants now adorning my bottom half. I found myself dialing Evan’s familiar number, but paused before I hit the ‘send’ button. Would Joshua really want me telling Evan everything? He is my best friend, after all, but there are some things that should remain between those directly involved, such as our earlier conversation.

Our earlier conversation.

Wow.

My hand lowered to my side, my cell phone resting on my stomach as I reviewed the conversation in my head, knowing it must not have been easy for Joshua to be so open with me. Despite my happiness, I couldn’t help but allow a smug aura creep around me. He wants me, even if his yearnings confuse him, but that doesn’t stop him from being eager to explore new things.

My thoughts immediately flashed to the kisses we shared. The way the simplest of actions confused him was so adorable, but the fact that he did want to carry out those actions in one way or another was such a turn on. Him being controlling, even in that bossy way of his when we’re working on a project, is just a turn on in general since he’s surrounded by this naturally submissive aura. Joshua in general just turns me on, there’s no use denying it.

I’m attracted to brains, even though looks are a plus, and it’s Joshua’s intelligence and the unique way that he views the world that drew me in from the start. Getting to know him as an individual and observing his little quirks on a daily basis is what kept me here. And now, learning about his past when he was so open with me, learning how much our relationship means to him and the prospective moments that we face in the future is what’s going to keep me with him for a while. Our relationship will not be ending time soon, not when it was the promise to be something great with Joshua so willing to explore, though the steps to get where he so desire will take a while.

I’ve changed him, literally. I’ve changed the way he views people surrounding him and his overall outlook on life. I’ve given him self-worth and respect, the opportunity to learn to love himself as he learns that despite his disability, he is still capable of anything else that any normal human being is capable of. He is capable of loving me one day, just as I will love him, and he’s capable of being loved by me, even if he doesn’t believe it will truly happen.

I will love him, one day, if I don’t love him already. “Love,” I sighed, glaring holes in my ceiling. “What exactly is love?”

Do I already love Joshua? I don’t know…

My grandmother has told me several times that love is often confused with lust or misconstrued when someone attaches themselves to someone else romantically in a moment of desperation.

Am I in lust with Joshua? I sighed as I toyed over this question in my mind, rolling over on my bed as my cell phone fell carelessly onto my blanket so that I could cuddle my pillow better. Do I desire Joshua in ways that I shouldn’t so soon? I thought about the way that his hips make me bite my bottom lip gently, the way that I always want to touch him and kiss him, and be connected with him as intimately as possible within the current boundaries. He’s given me a new definition for intimacy, for care, since something that I used to take advantage of means so much to him due to his previous inability to even process such simple and beautiful acts being performed on his person. But I don’t push my boundaries or force myself on him the way that I so easily could because I care too much for his feelings.

So, no, I’m not in lust with Joshua, because my potential love for him is blocking me from treating him so poorly. But I don’t love him yet. There’s still so much for us to learn, so many things for us to endure together, our actual relationship had just begun a few hours previous to this very moment, our levels of intimacy have barely spiked.

But we have potential. The potential to be in love, and be intimate, and be together in ways that neither of us have really been with anyone before and my feelings for him grow stronger every night. He’s special, as cheesy as that seems, and I just want to be with him.

I’m in like with Joshua, great levels of like that I have no doubt will turn into love one day. He says he can see himself potentially loving me one day, but I already know that something like that will happen to me. I bit my lip, not even believing that the thought crossed my mind, but because of this boy and the impact that he’s had on my life thus far, I know that I won’t be able to resist loving him for long.

I sighed, sitting up fast as sweat slowly dripped down my body. Am I getting too in over my head? Am I moving too fast, thinking about our future too soon?

No, I can’t be, not with the man that I’m currently dating that complicates my life so much. I always have to worry about the future with him, be two steps ahead so that I know I will never hurt him, just as he was two steps ahead last night, opening up to me so that I would be prepared for the obstacles we’d face in the future if I had chosen to stay with him, which I did.

Joshua gave me a choice. Be with him with the knowledge of the obstacles that we would face due to what we’ve already been through or get up and leave him behind, saving myself the trouble. But why would I leave him when we had already come so far together?

Choices. Our future is going to hinge on choices. I will always give Joshua a choice, never force him into anything, not when he’s so overwhelmed and vulnerable because of the way he’s beginning to feel about me. I have the choice to love him, just as he has the choice to love him, and I will love him when the time is right and if he’s prepared, he will love me too. We will be perfect, and love each other, together.

Our future is impossible to predict, but we’ll take it slowly, day by day, together. We’ll work through everything together and become closer mentally and emotionally before we further our relationship intimately and sexually. And when the time comes, it’ll be his choice. Everything will be his choice.

What our future holds will be his choice.

But after knowing how he truly feels, and what he can currently see himself capable of doing in the future—the way he can see himself allowing me to see him and love him in ways he never truly imagined—our future is looking damn bright.