Sensations

For the first time in a while, I was actually eager to get to school. My first day of school that I’m not single. Who would have thought that this day would even come.

“Come on, Kat!” I said impatiently, balancing on my balls of my feet. My boots squeaked obnoxiously since they have yet to be broken in. They had been sitting in the far corner of my closet for years, left untouched. I wasn’t really into boots, but I figured today was a time for change since that’s all that has been occurring in my life recently. Change, change for the better.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” she shushed me.

My eyes rolled in my head as I clutched my cane in my left hand, pushing my glasses up onto the bridge of my nose with my other. Our front door was cold and flat, a few ridges in the design from the countless times I had ran head first into it when I was little. I wasn’t the most observant individual way back then and was constantly crashing into things despite my best effort, not that I don’t do that anymore these days.

“We’re going to be late!” I practically screamed, finally tugging on the handle and opening the door, stepping outside quickly. I clutched the railing in my right hand as I pushed off, jumping as far as I could and clearing all of the steps in one jump effectively. Now, if I were to have missed, than that would have been awfully unproductive and would have had the potential to land me in the hospital.

“Hurry up!” I screamed as I heard the hinges of our front door squeak, signaling that she was closing it behind her. “We’re gonna be la-!”

I was abruptly cut off by the wind getting knocked out of me by a seemingly large object. By instinct, I lurched forward, getting splayed around it. I could feel my hands flatten around the small curves of a car that is not normally parked here.

I sat up, holding my head since it had smacked against the front, making it bounce animatedly. As I did so, I could clearly hear the door of the car open just as my sister came up behind me, hoisting me up as she said, “If you weren’t in such a rush, I could have warned you about this car.”

“Yeah,” came a familiar voice, making me turn immediately with a small smile playing at the corners of my lips. “You were practically running,” Dayne continued as his voice slowly drifted closer to me until I felt hands cradle my waist gently. I curled into him, my head slowly beginning to pound.

“I was excited,” I tried to explain myself, immediately halting at the way my voice seemed so small and quiet when I was nestled comfortably into Dayne’s body. It was different, like I didn’t have a reason to stand up to anything when Dayne was around.

“I could tell,” Dayne said quietly before I could feel his head swivel in the direction I assumed Kat was in. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to drive Joshua to school today.”

I rolled my eyes at Kat’s almost ecstatic response. “Of course not! I can actually get to work on time!” And her assumed prance down the driveway was made clear by the retreating sound of her jingling bangles, followed by the engine of a car.

“We should probably get you changed,” Dayne muttered under his breath, turning me towards the house and walking me up the stairs, picking me up as usual, though, for the first time, I clung to him a bit tighter. I had a reason to now.

“I don’t need to change,” I argued with him, putting my feet down on the ground in an attempt to stop him rom moving. It didn’t work out, he just dragged me around like a rag doll while I was still hooked to his waist. “I dressed nicely today, boots and everything.”

“But you’re bleeding, Joshua,” he said dumbfounded, “and you have a small mark on your head.”

“It’s your fault,” I grumbled under my breath as I found him pushing me down onto my bed.

“Where do you keep your aspirin?” His voice sounded distant, as if he was poking around in my bathroom.

“Cabinet above the sink,” I responded to him, leaning back onto my bed as my hands cradled my forehead. My headache was slowly getting worse, but I could barely feel the small mark my run-in with Dayne’s car left on my forehead, so it must not be that visible. I pulled my hair to the middle of my forehead just in case, hopefully hiding it from others’ view.

I felt the bed sink as Dayne grabbed my hand, dropping a few pills into it. I took them obediently, knowing they’d soothe my forehead before it got out of hand. “I can’t believe I ran into your car,” I said embarrassingly, my cheeks beginning to flame.

“You didn't know it was there. I wanted to surprise you,” he said quietly, his voice distant once more. He’s back in my bathroom. “Take your shirt off,” he commanded as his voice drifted closer once more.

“No,” I said quickly, cheeks flaming. I wasn’t exactly comfortable in my own skin, not knowing exactly what I looked like.

“Joshua,” he sighed. “Your stomach’s bleeding and your shirt has a little bit of blood on it. Take off your shirt.”

I fiddled with the edge of my shirt, pulling it up gently until I felt a small amount of liquid pool onto my finger. The cut wasn’t all that bad, barely noticeable with no sting.

“Joshua,” he said my name disapprovingly, making my heart ache. “Don’t be silly. You’re gonna wear a bloodied shirt around all day?”

I chose not to answer, instead worrying that I’ve upset him so early in the day. I hate when he sighed, it showed that he was unhappy with me.

A disgruntled grunt echoed around the room before I felt two hands firmly grip my hips, lifting them gently before they pulled my entire body down the bed, underneath his own body since he straddled my thighs soon after. A gasp passed my lips, unprepared for his sudden use of physical force, just as he began to trail his hands up the sides of my torso from my hips. His hands were hot to the touch as his thumbs reached towards the center of my stomach, his fingers gripping the sides of my body firmly as my t-shirt was caught against his wrist, slowly being lifted up. My feet curled upwards, my knees bending as I kicked against my bed due to my discomfort, my knees accidentally digging into Dayne’s back.

I could feel his body shift as he gripped my sides a bit more firmly, using me as leverage to situate himself right below my hips to get away from my knees. His hands inexplicably became gentle as he moved them back down to my hips then back to where they were moments prior, massaging the area where my abdominal muscles should be located, relaxing me, easily putting me at ease as his hands traveled upwards again, halting just under my armpits when I refused to lift my arms up. He didn’t seem bothered by my refusal, simply choosing to move down my chest a bit before moving back up. Waiting. Dayne was good at that, always waiting for me to be ready.

My teeth clamped onto my tongue as Dayne’s thumb traced over my nipple once, twice, three times. The pressure on my thighs made me shake. Intimate touches to your chest, your thighs, your hips are all reserved for that of a lover who is ready to take you into their arms and take care of you forever. And as much as I liked the way Dayne was so willing to take care of me so quickly, the way he brings out this naturally submissive side to me since I don’t have anything to prove to him, the way my body reacts to his touch sometimes is still foreign to me, making it incredibly unnerving. I lifted up my arms quickly, my head turning to the side as I felt the fabric of my t-shirt slide over my head, probably becoming lost to my bedroom floor.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect next: Dayne’s hands to leave me motionless as he explored again, him to lean down and just kiss me, one of his cocky comments when he knows he’s put my senses on overdrive perhaps, but he simply sat back on his haunches, barely straddling me now as a wet sensation traced a diagonal line from on top of my belly button to the right of it. I really must have slammed into that car hard, too high on adrenaline to notice. My breath finally escaped me as he continued to dab the dried blood away from my cut, replacing the wet cloth with a dry one as he dabbed away the drops of water left behind.

I bit my lip once more as his finger trailed down the cut, following the last drop of water that nestled into the waistband of my boxers. I felt him gently lift it up, his finger slipping not even a centimeter inside as he wiped the drop of water away before removing his hand quickly.

I shot up, unaccustomed to the feelings flowing through me as I find my hands curled on Dayne’s thighs, gently pushing on them. “Thanks,” I found myself saying politely as I speed-walked over to my closet, reaching in and grabbing the first t-shirt that my hand came in contact with, throwing it over my torso quickly. “I think it’s time to get to school before we’re late,” I said as I quickly walked out the door, down the stairs, and out the front door, situating myself in Dayne’s car breathlessly.

It took him exactly thirty four seconds to make his way out of the house and into the car beside me. Maybe he just needed a second to himself too…

*

I bounced up and down on my feet worriedly; counting the seconds it took Dayne to get to our gym class. Besides Journalism, this is the only class we have together, and since they’re back to back, we’ve been walking to each class together since day one. But Dayne’s been surprising me by walking me to each of my classes today, my hand in his as he told me something entertaining that happened in the class he just came from. He wasn’t outside of my last class though, even when I waited for him for two minutes, so I walked to gym by myself. It’s hard to ignore the constant whispers following me everywhere when Dayne isn’t there to occupy my attention.

New couple alert might as well be written across our foreheads.

And it’s only when I heard someone climbing the bleachers that were reserved for me that I knew he finally made it to class. I usually sat here, alone, him sitting with me sometimes, so it truly couldn’t be anyone else.

“Are you okay?” I rushed out, hanging onto the straps of my backpack. “You weren’t at my last class so I walked here by myself,” I rushed out. It’s not like him to be late.

A chuckle rose out of him as he gently grabbed my chin, barely brushing his lips against mine as to not get in trouble with the schools public displays of affection policy. Today’s taught me that he seems to be really keen on those, claiming me as his silently.

I pushed the glasses on my nose back into place, always becoming slightly askew after Dayne kissed me, as he responded, “My teacher kept me late because I had a few problems with my last essay. It’s all good, we fixed it, and I’ll be at your class to pick you up tomorrow. Promise.”

“You don’t have to,” I rushed out, seating myself on one of the stands.

“I want to,” he said simply. “We only have two classes together and I want to see you as much as I can.”

“We have lunch together,” I blurted to him. “I just traded it in for study hall because I prefer to be alone.”

“Well, we’re definitely going to school to fix that now, aren’t we?” he grumbled, leaning his head against my own.

“Are we?”

“We are,” he told me matter-of-factly.

“Okay,” I said, smiling gently as I heard our teacher beginning to take attendance, acknowledging my presence my tapping the bleachers.

“You should probably get changed,” I found myself saying around a laugh as he told me about one of our fellow students falling over in his last class.

“Why don’t you get changed with me?” He questioned, leaning his head on my shoulder.

I did my best to ignore the smile on his lips, evident by the lift of his cheek against my shoulder, and the innuendo clear in his question. “I don’t do physical education.”

“We’re just running around the track today,” he whined. “Please.”

“B-but I can’t see where we’re going,” I argued as he grabbed my hand, tugging me down the bleachers and across the gym in the direction I knew the locker room was in, though I never actually went in it.

“I won’t let you run into anything,” he assured me.

“I don’t have clothes,” I shot back triumphantly, just as we broke through the doors of the locker room.

“Took them out of your closet,” he explained, handing me a pair of shorts, a shirt, and my familiar pair of simple sneakers.

I felt him pull my backpack off my back as I curled the clothing against my chest, leaning against the locker as the door next to it closed with an obnoxiously metallic clang. I bit my lip as I slowly began to panic and I found myself turning to Dayne, reaching out for assurance as my hand came in contact with the bare skin of his thigh. “I really don’t want to get changed,” I rushed out, quickly recoiling at the sudden skin-on-skin touch. He’s in his boxers in front of God only knows how many other men. How is he okay with this? My breathing escalated as I wiped my hand against my pants, as if I just touched something that I shouldn’t have touched.

“Relax, Joshua,” he murmured soothingly, pulling me against him as we went to an unknown area of the locker room. I was out of my element right here. I reached out uncertainly, relaxing a little bit when my hand wan into fabric instead of his soft skin, he’s dressed, thank the lord. I immediately calmed down a tiny bit.

“So,” he said around a soft laugh. “You are now in a shower.”

I immediately felt myself tense up as I ran towards the direction of his voice, colliding with him quickly as I ran away from the inevitable water.

“We just have them because the law requires it, but they don’t work,” he promised me. “But no one can see you and the only entrance to it is where I’m standing, so you can change,” he promised me.

“Can you turn away,” I asked quietly, my head facing the floor since I was a bit ashamed of the fact that I wasn’t even comfortable with my boyfriend being half naked around me, let alone him seeing me half naked.

“Of course, Joshua,” he murmured, and I was struck with how I didn’t deserve someone so understanding.

I leaned against him gently, exhaling as I felt his back under my forearm as I awkwardly leaned down and unlaced my boots, my shirt following quickly after since that was the easiest article of clothing to replace. I felt around on the floor, looking for the shorts Dayne pulled out of my closet, recognizing the fabric immediately. These were my favorite pair of shorts to lounge around the house in, often worn when Kat insisted I go on walks with her. I quickly changed into those, picking up my sneakers and pushing against Dayne until he let me out, my discarded clothing in his arms.

As we walked out of the locker room moments later, I was immediately consumed with a sense that I didn’t belong. All of these presumably athletic men and women were running out onto the field, preparing to run a lap than walk a lap continuously until the period was over. How would I be able to do that?

“It’ll be fine, Joshua,” Dayne was saying. “I think Coach is just happy that someone got you out here. He keeps looking at us and smiling.”

I felt the heat prick at the back of my neck as Dayne took my hand, walking a lap with me so that I could count my steps between the straightway’s and curves and before I knew it, I was getting tugged along next to Dayne, our hands firmly clasped as he took off, me somehow managing to catch up with him.

A chuckled passed his lips as he stopped abruptly and I continued to barrel forward, stopping myself and standing there awkwardly with my arms out until he grabbed my hand once more. Unknown territory never ceases to scare the shit out of me.

“You’re a natural runner,” he told me quietly, curling me into his side as we walked around slowly. His hand let go of my own, carefully moving underneath my new gym shirt. His thumb against my scabbing cut, his pinky inside the waistband of my boxers. He always has to push me just the tiniest bit, I might as well push back. I smiled as my arm slid across his back, curling beneath the fabric of his shirt until my fingers nestled themselves against his hip, two of them dipping into the indentation above his thigh and beneath the beginning of his “V.”

“I-is this okay?” I asked softly, placing my head against his shoulder as we slowed even more, enjoying our close proximity. Something told me we’d just be walking the rest of the class.

I could feel the way his own fingertips dug into the skin of my stomach, his pinky dipping slightly lower as he told me seriously, “Anything you do is perfectly okay with me, Joshua,” he responded.

“Good,” I responded, allowing my fingers to dip a little lower since Dayne’s gym shorts were situated incredibly low as we began to round one of the curves of our track. When I’d be home alone, dreaming of Dayne and I, how he’d take care of me so gently, trying to imagine all the ways he could love me if I ever let him, simple little things always drive me wild. I can imagine his hand dipping a little low, his lips against the area where my fingers were on his body, though mine wouldn’t be as defined as his, and it felt absolutely divine. Maybe, one day, I could take care of him too. The mere thought made me smile, a sigh escaping my lips as my fingers curled into his skin, making his do the exact same to me.

“What’re you thinking about?” He asked me in response to my smile.

“You,” I told him honestly. “Us,” I corrected, “and what we could amount to,” I decided, instead of trying to explain to him how lately, for the first time, I’ve found myself wanting someone to physically be there for me late at night, in my dreams.

I could feel the smile in his lips as he leaned down, his lips against my forehead before speaking. “I was thinking about this morning, and how I owe you an apology.”

“You don’t owe me an apology,” I corrected him quickly.

“I do, though,” he cut me off. “I pushed you when I told you I wouldn’t, but you have to realize how amazing you are, Joshua. You don't have to be so shy around me anymore.”

“I liked it,” I blurted out before realizing it. “I liked what you did this morning. The way you touched me, I liked it, a little too much maybe.”

A dry chuckle left his throat before he asked, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I didn’t trust myself enough to let you continue because I may have just kept you there all day,” I said simply, biting my lip. It was weird to me, how I could be so open talking about intimate moments that have already occurred but not things that will happen between us in the future.

“I’m sure you wouldn’t have kept me there all day,” he stressed, his voice dropping a few octaves lower. It made me push myself against his side a little more as we continued walking, oblivious to the runners actually taking gym seriously.

“All day,” I declared to him and only him, hoping my voice was low enough to make it sound just as mesmerizing as his. “I… like the way you push me,” I found myself saying. “It makes me try new things.”

“But you have to know how to tell me to stop,” he responded seriously. “I don’t want to take things too far with you too soon. I know you’re adjusting and all.”

“But that’s just it. I am adjusting and I’m enjoying my adjustments, but I’m still learning and you have to accept that too,” I told him, thankful that we can talk so easily about our problems so early on in our relationship. I know from Kat’s past relationships that this isn’t always possible.

I felt Dayne veer off the path and plop onto a patch of grass, dragging me into his lap. “Everyone else is sitting down so we can too,” he told me, easily getting me to stop putting up a fight.

“Joshua,” he said seriously, his voice lowering to that husky tone that I’m quickly learning to love. “You have no idea how beautiful your body is to me and just you, as a person, makes you so fucking desirable,” my breath caught, “It’s astounding to me, the way you view yourself, because if I ever had the opportunity to, you’d have no idea what I would do to your body. Absolutely none at all.”

I found myself leaning back, my hands shaking as they knotted in his hair, my lip between my teeth. I was caught between asking him just what he was hinting at, but knew that I wasn’t exactly ready to hear what he had to say, so I decided to say, “I don’t understand how you think I’m so beautiful. I’m not.”

“You can’t see yourself, so how would you know?” He stated bluntly, poking holes in my statement. I know he meant me no harm, he never brought up my condition unless he was praising me. “Everyone sees themselves differently, Joshua. Absolutely everyone. You can think you’re the most awkward thing on the planet, but I think you’re beautiful. I know Evan thinks you’re absolutely adorable, but I wouldn’t associate adorable with you since, in all honestly, the more I see of your body, the sexier you become, in my eyes.”

“Sexy,” I blurted out around a laugh, shaking my head. “Sexy is not a word that can be associated with me.”

“And why not?” He questioned me simply. “You have these gorgeous eyes, Joshua. I don’t think you realize how easy it is to get lost in them and your lips are so soft and alluring. And your legs,” he paused, nuzzling into me. “I love your legs. They’re so long, muscled, but not stick thin. And those are absolutely perfect to wrap around my waist when I’m with you,” he hinted softly. “And your innocence…” he trailed off, catching himself as he wrapped his arms around my back and pushed me flush against him. “It’s so sexy, seeing you lay there, waiting for me to decide what’s next. You’re not some hideous person who just wants me for sex because I’ve dated people like that and it sucks. But the way you trust me so much already and let me have control of you while you just lay there trying to hide yourself,” he said, “is one of the sexiest things I have ever seen.”

I bit my lip as I nuzzled into his neck, kissing it softly as my arms wound around his back, nipping it a tiny bit since I know how much I like it when he does that to me. “One day it’s going to be the other way around,” I promised.

“Confidence is sexy too,” he shot back quickly, leaning back and dragging me down on him as he lay on the grass. I rolled over, lying beside him, my head on his shoulder.

“This is too much,” I admitted.

“Too far?” He asked gently.

“No, no,” I said around a smile. “I like knowing what’s going on in your mind. It’s just a lot for me to process.”

“I’ve never had the ability to just be so open with someone before,” he observed. “You spoil me too much. I’m going to get carried away one of these days.”

“One of these days, you don’t have to think about being with me, you’ll, like, be with me,” I said awkwardly.

“But that worries you.”

“It doesn’t worry me,” I promised him, “it just unsettles me. A few days ago I was completely disgusted about everything and here I am, almost… looking forward to you seeing me,” I admitted, “when we’re alone. Or at least welcoming the idea, and that scares me.”

“Joshua,” Dayne murmured, kissing my knuckles. “Our relationship isn’t normal. We can’t ignore that, but our relationship is special and we have to be open. If you’re scared or ready for something, just speak up.”

“I want to see you,” I said, smiling as a soft breeze blew along my face. “Not all of you, but more of you.” I thought of my hands running through his hair, along his lips and shoulders for the very first time when we were together for our first journalism project and knew that things have changed between us since then. If he’s so open with me, what would be keeping me from being so open with him?

“Whenever you’re ready,” he said simply, grabbing my hand.

I don’t know how long we lay there, me eventually crawling back into his lap as we ignored the rest of the people running. And it was only when a group of girls ran up to us, talking to Dayne that I jumped out of my own skin.

“You two are really adorable,” one of them said, and that’s all it took for me to bury my head into his shoulder and never come out.

“Excuse him,” Dayne said around a chuckle, “he’s really shy, but he’ll warm up to you with time. Trust me, I know.”

I smiled into his neck, focusing on him conversing with the people as my fingers curled into the loose tendrils of his hair.

Change really isn’t that bad, after all. Emotionally, mentally, relationship-wise, all for the better. And here we are, talking about our future, what it holds for us, and it’s only apparent that, eventually, I may be ready physically sooner than I thought. It’s hard not to be, when you’re with someone as open as Dayne. And with the students seeming to think we’re adorable, our lives are just slowly getting easier and easier.