Sensations

I opened the door to my room quickly, welcoming my best friend inside. It’s nice to have him visit me for once. It gives my poor car a break from always driving to his house.

“What’s up?” I asked him, noticing the small bags beginning to form under his eyes. Such a thing is rare with Evan. He sticks to a firm schedule, always getting enough sleep, and rarely loses it unless some outer source is taking over his thought processes.

“You were right,” he said bluntly, rolling onto my bed as he placed his arms beneath his head. He seemed perfectly at ease.

“Well, we both know I’m always right,” I joke, punching him lightly in the thigh, a sad attempt at lightening the tense mood that is settling upon my room. He obviously didn’t like my reaction, rolling his eyes as he scooted away from me like a child.

“I asked Greg to prom and he refused. Something about not wanting to go public so he’s taking one of his female friends,” he mumbled under his breath, his right hand moving from behind his head to shield his eyes. They dug into his sockets for a second, as if to clear his vision because he was once so blinded by his hopes.

“That’s bullshit,” I told him flat out, sitting up and staring him in the face. “Don’t bother with him anymore. He’s gone.”

“No, shit!” He shot back. “I just…” he paused, his voice cutting off as his eyes turned toward my ceiling, moving back and forth as if searching for the answer that would mysteriously appear there. “I feel so stupid,” he finally murmured.

I had the sudden urge to lean forward and wrap my arms around Evan, pulling him to my chest and comforting him, but I quickly let the thought go. That would be something I would do for Joshua, not Evan. Evan is fully capable of being hard as a rock when needed, even when he wants to have his vent sessions. Joshua’s still growing, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the fact that he finds comfort in me and only me, no one else.

“You’re not stupid, you’re just not smart,” I said lamely, smiling a little as a dry fit of laughter escaped his lips. “Don’t be so down, Ev. You’re always trying to fix people and you may have helped him a little, but it’s time to just let him go because he’s a stubborn ass that isn’t worth it.”

“I don’t know, Dayne, I don’t think you realize just how much everything sucks…” he said numbly, rolling his head towards the ceiling as he threw his hands into the air uselessly.

“What do you mean?” I finally asked him. Things have been just fine. “I know that things didn’t work out with Greg, but we both know you could have done so much better. You deserve better because you’re a nice person and the feelings that you’re overcome with when you can just hold someone’s hand in public and claim them as your own is the best thing ever, Ev,” I breathed, getting lost in the now familiar sensation of Joshua’s hand nestled in my own.

“That’s exactly my point!” He said, a hint of anger seeping into his town, catching me off-guard. “Nothing is every right for me, ever. I’ve never had a girl where I just sat there thinking that ‘damn, this is perfect,’ but you find Joshua so randomly and he’s practically head over heels in love with you—“

“He’s not in love with me,” I blurted out really fast, ignoring the fact that I just cut his confession off, easily subsiding the nervous butterflies that began to flutter in my stomach.

“Oh, shut up, Dayne,” he said, rolling his eyes. “He’s like a lost puppy without you. He’s in love with you even if he’s in denial. It’s like when he looks at you he’s ready to just give you mind, body, and soul.”

I paused, mulling it over. Mind, body, and soul, is that true? Is that really how others view him when we’re together? The nervous butterflies came back in triple force.

“He can’t see,” I said lamely.

“When he’s in your presence,” he clarified, “it seems that he’s ready to attempt to move the earth for you.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little much? I mean, it’s like, we haven’t even done anything yet or anything. It’s all… simply complex.”

“Simply complex,” he snorted. “Just let it go, you two are practically fucking perfect for each other. If there was such a thing as soul-mates…”

“Yeah, simply complex,” I said honestly. It makes sense to me.

“How?”

“I don’t know,” I said, my hands curling into my hair as I looked at him, searching for the proper words to explain how I feel. “It’s just… love is… big.”

“No, shit.”

“Why are you so hung up on this?” I asked him. “You think you loved Greg or something?”

The silence that then consumed us made my heart almost ache. Evan was always so… self-assured. “What you two had wasn’t love. If it was love he would have wanted to shout it from the rooftops,” I said lamely.

“I don’t think it was love,” he stressed, “but it certainly was an attachment. I mean, we had sex a lot and it just felt right and now that it’s gone it hurts and I just want to… to punch him in the face!” he shot out. “And doesn’t it take one strong emotion to cause the other? I was stupid.”

My nose curled at the thought of my friend having sex with someone who wasn’t the least bit worth it, but I tried not to show my obvious distaste for his personal decisions. It’s his life to live, not mine. “It does take strong emotions to evoke hate, but I think you just thought it was important instead of it actually being one because you enjoyed… the sex, but sex doesn’t mean love, I guess. It would have been love if you, y’know, made love, but then it wouldn’t have been just sex to you.”

“Well, it was nice,” he said.

“Then maybe it’s just your bodies way of telling you that you react more boldly to guys than you do girls,” I said with a shrug. “You got attached to a guy you had sex with a lot because it was better than what a girl could give you…”

He nodded his head, the frustration leaving his eyes as he nodded his head at my notion. It seemed to comfort him softly for the time being.

“Sex doesn’t mean love,” he finally shot back at me, “so Joshua could easily love you.”

“Look, Ev, I don’t think you get how complicated Joshua is. He never really wanted sex ever in his life and then he told me I came along and now he sort of does, but it scared him and it’s all new to him and it’s like… complicated,” I said stupidly. “If he’s not even sure of letting me see him, how could he love me?”

“Maybe the mere idea that he’s ready to share himself with someone is what’s stopping him,” he said, easily slipping back into the Evan that I grew up with. You know, that wise man that should become a monk or something because he always knows the right things to say.

“I don’t know,” I said hesitantly. It’s so hard to figure things out with Joshua. He’s so important, not just another body to see but a body worth moving mountains for. “He’s open with me,” I blurted out, “he would have told me by now.”

Another dry laugh escaped his lips, his sarcasm seeping out in full force tonight. “If you essentially never had the desire to whack it off and then some guy suddenly makes you want to do it full force would you suddenly be running to him saying that he turns you on?” The laughter continued to grow.

“No!” I shouted, agitatedly. “Of course not! That’s embarrassing!”

“So, maybe he doesn’t want to embarrass himself just yet.”

My cheeks heated up at the mere idea of what Evan was even taking from this conversation. I never thought of it that way, that I defied all of Joshua’s old ways to create new one’s that are both scary and invigorating that can lead to overall embarrassment, but I don’t want him to be embarrassed by me.

“Then how do I get him to stop being embarrassed?” I asked him as if Evan contained all of the answers in the world somewhere in that brilliant brain of his.

“Show him that he doesn’t have to be,” was his simple response, making me roll my eyes at my obviously lack of common sense. It’s amazing how simple things can truly be when they seem so complicated.

“Then how do I do that?” I asked exasperated.

“Ask him to prom…” he said simply, rolling his eyes since that is what brought him here in the first place.

“But what would happen if… y’know?” I hinted at the reason why he was here, my butterflies suddenly getting replaced by nervous rocks settling in the pit of my stomach.

“It won’t,” he said matter-of-factly.

“But you can’t know that!” I said, the fear creeping through my veins slowly.

“But I can.”

“How?” I finally asked, wanting to crawl over to him and shake him until all the answers to life’s very existence comes flying out of his ears like smoke.

“Because he loves you.” He stated matter-of-factly, and before I could cut him off, he tossed me the phone, already on the second ring because Joshua’s number was number one on speed-dial. “And you love him.”

The butterflies made their presence known once more.