Sensations

I stood against the brick wall, the rough surface of the wall digging into my back but I’ve grown accustomed to the feeling. I was somewhere outside of the front of the school though I can’t pinpoint my exact location since I lost track of my location when I was talking to Dayne.

Dayne… I don’t know what to think of that boy yet. My thoughts about him are truly scattered.

One second, I hate him more than anything else. He gets everything he wants within seconds of batting an eyelash at the proper person. He has boys and girls alike chasing after him like he’s the answer to all their prayers, their future baby daddy and soul mate. It’s sickening. But as much as I want to continue hating him and silently loathing him, I can’t. It seems that he’s earned everything that he gets because of his personality. I was expecting him to be a pompous jerk, one that expects to get everything he wants, but he isn’t.

I’ve learned that he actually value’s his grades and his best friend, who I believe is named Evan, is really important to him. He actually doesn’t expect everyone to fall to their knees in his presence, nor does he care if he has to deal with someone who’s a bit different than the average American. He’s a very welcoming person and though I can’t see his smile, I feel as if it is simply contagious. Now that I’ve gotten to know him, I feel as if I may actually like him. Sure, he is a bit childish at times, but everyone needs excitement and adventure in their life.

He’s come to my rescue on two different occasions now, both in the literal and non-literal sense. Now that I think about it, I probably wouldn’t have gotten into journalism class if he hadn’t accepted the offer of having a partner. Most people would have declined it, especially when they would have found out they’d be working with the freaky blind kid, but he accepted it and that shows that he’s up for a challenge. And he’s right; together we can do really well together, complimenting each other’s work.

And a few minutes ago he had saved me in the literal sense, from a man whom I’m assuming was Greg though I have no clue who it actually was. I don’t understand why people would attack me to begin with, though it’s probably because despite my tall height, I refuse to fight back. No, I don’t refuse, I can’t fight back. I’d end up swinging at air and having my fist fly back around, hitting myself in the face and knocking myself out. That’s just not okay with me.

It takes a very insecure and rude man to pick a fight he knows he is guaranteed to win. I can respect people who would fight people who have the same skill level or better because they’re actually allowing themselves to be challenged. However, Greg is constantly messing with me, knowing that I can’t fight back. It started off with verbal abuse and when it became quite obvious that it didn’t faze me at all, he moved onto physically abusing me. This man… is a sad, sad excuse for a man. He’s more like a boy, a child.Though Dayne is nothing but man.

I jumped when I felt a delicate hand suddenly clamp down on my shoulder, startling me half to death.

“Oh, crap!” I heard Kat’s familiar voice say, her hand wrapping around my body in a half hug. “I was saying your name, but I guess you were too lost in your world to know me,” She explained, walking me in the direction that’s probably where her car is parked and waiting for us.

“It’s okay,” I muttered, shaking my head as I fell into step with my older sister. “I was just… zoned out,” I muttered, my eyebrows knitting together.

“Three stairs,” she muttered under her breath, warning me so that I wouldn’t fall. I stepped down the stairs with ease, having done it a million and one times before, though I was a bit slower than your average teenager. “Care to explain why you were zoned out?” She inquired as we started walking off again. “Curb,” she muttered under her breath, telling me to step down again so that I wouldn’t trip and face plant embarrassingly.

I felt the front of my shoe kick the tire of Kat’s car softly as her hand disappeared from my shoulder, probably because she was walking around the car and to her side. I put my hand on the car, skimming them along the hot metal and dipping into the grooves of the car until I felt the distinct shape of the door handle. I pulled on it and slowly opened the door, shuffling aside as to not hit myself with it. I walked forward again, putting my hand on the hood of the car as I slowly threw my left leg into the car, seating myself heavily in the passenger’s seat before I put my other leg in. My hand slid from the hood of the car to the top of the door and down, grabbing it and pulling it shut as I felt around for my seatbelt, tugging it on and clicking it pretty easily since I’ve done it countless times before.

“I don’t know, just the day,” I muttered evasively as Kat started up the car and started to drive home, my elbow resting on the door so I wouldn’t slam into it if she made a quick turn.

“And what happened on this special day?” She questioned me, an obvious smile underlying her tone.

“I met a boy,” I muttered, feeling the heat slowly rise in my neck. I fidgeted in my seat, pulling my long leg up so that the knee was bent against the headboard and my foot was tucked right under my bum. I rested my head against the cold surface of the glass window and hunched my shoulders in attempts to hide myself.

“Oh!” She said excitedly, stopping the car since we were probably at the red light. A few claps echoed around the car before she calmed down, asking me who he was.

“Not like that!” I said evasively since I still didn’t know what to think of Dayne. “He was just my journalism partner and then he ended up getting Greg to leave me alone,” I explained, hunching my shoulders some more as I remembered how heroic and caring he had been.

“That boy is still giving you trouble?” She asked angrily as the car lurched and started to move again, my body lurching forward with it but getting caught by the seatbelt, forcing my body back against the chair. “I should just call the school and they’ll get him to lay off,” she muttered angrily.

“I can handle myself, Kat,” I muttered, not wanting anymore drama to deal with since it’s hard enough to navigate school already. I don’t want to be known as a rat as well.

“Fine, fine,” she muttered under her breath, allowing the car to be enveloped in silence.

I love her, but sometimes she is simply too protective.

**********

I lay in bed, my head resting on my comfortably soft pillow as my blankets piled onto my lower half, my bare chest exposed to the room so that the light breeze that my ceiling fan created could run across it. I’ve spent the last couple of hours thinking in attempts to sort everything out, but the only thing that it’s helped me with is allowing me to get even more confused then I was to begin with. This is simply not a good thing.

I had thought about the reason that I even liked boys to begin with. I was still going through a really hard time accepting myself for who I was. People would continuously question me about how I could even cope with being blind and dealing with myself, unintentionally forcing me into a depression that I was already slowly sinking into to begin with. Then, I had decided that I like men over women, something that confused a lot of people.

They were always trying to understand, thinking that since I was blind I would be indifferent to changing the ideals that the average American home would live with, but they were totally wrong. I’d constantly hear cat fight after cat fight and insult after insult spewing forth from most girl’s lips and it’s something that truly disgusts me. They reminded me of Greg since it seemed like the only way they were happy with themselves were by putting someone else down. That’s just a way of living that I don’t support and I had switched to guys, thinking that they’d understand me more, be able to relate to me more. And I was right, I was exactly right, and though I have yet to be intimate with a person of the same gender, I know that I’d much rather prefer to be with a man then a woman.

Okay, I’m blind, I can’t see the person, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t know them. I can feel them and hear them speak to me. I could listen to them and learn about their personality. I could smell their unique smell and treat them like an equal. It’s not that hard of a concept to understand, but no one is willing to understand.

Well, I should probably take that back. Kat is always there for me, especially since Mom and Dad had died three years ago when she was twenty one. It must have been horrible, having to put a roof over a depressed and blind fifteen year olds head at the age of twenty one, but she did it, and now we’re closer than ever. I can tell her anything and everything and she’s always there to listen to me. She’s not scared to tell me her brutally honest opinions other, something that I find totally respectable since too many people pride themselves on being able to pull of facades successfully these days.

A sigh made its way past my lips as I turned over onto my side, using my left hand to pull the blanket up and over my bare torso so that I wouldn’t freeze in my sleep.

I’m still uncertain as to where I stand with Dayne, but I can certainly say that he’s one of the most confusing people I have ever met. It’s never taken me so long to figure a person out before, and that’s truly saying something since I can read people extremely well. The famous term about how looks can be deceiving is true, but for someone such as me, a person who pays extreme attention to the littlest of details since that’s all he can go off of, it’s rare that I fall for a façade. It’s as if I can hear the littlest of quivers in a voice that the average person wouldn’t hear, signaling that a person was upset though he or she was trying to cover it up. The slight rise in volume could signal someone easily becoming angered or irritated though that would also go unnoticed by most people.

But Dayne… Dayne, Dayne, Dayne, Dayne, Dayne. He still astounds me. He’s just too nice and too caring, something that I’ve never encountered before. It’s like he’s trying to cover something up since it’s basically impossible for a person to be as amazing as he is. However, I honestly can’t really think of anything that he could truly be ashamed of.

I brought the heel of my hand up and rubbed angrily at my eyes before I stuffed my face into my pillow. I’ve done enough thinking and worrying for one night and I bet that if I don’t get to sleep soon, I’d regret it in the morning. The last thing I want is to be easily irritated due to lack of sleep on the day that I try to dig information out of Dayne. It would ruin everything and probably make me look slightly insane, though most people already do think I’m insane.

But for some unknown reason to me… I really do care about Dayne’s opinion. I could care less about ninety-nine percent of the population of Montgomery High School, but Dayne’s different, and I just have to figure out if he’s just different in a good way or a bad way.