I Hate Myself Without You

It was the hardest day in my life to get over. No one expected it to happen. Marque was the most torn up; he was in the denial phase for a good five months before the anger hit. Airin was there for him every day; he feared leaving Marque alone for more than 10 minutes. Marque, just like Airin, had always been a very unpredictable person.

Matt was a totally different story. I had never actually seen Matt cry before. It was the most heart breaking thing I had ever seen. Matt always was a very level headed guy. Seeing him breakdown was terrible.

Jazz had always been like a sister to me. I always considered the Baxter's my family. Now they actually were part of my family. The first thing I told Matt when I talked to him after Jazz's funeral was that he would “always be apart of my family, no matter what happened.” He was always going to be linked to Josh and I because of Finley; because of being Finley's God-father.

Josh had been there through all of my crying fits and mental break downs (which happened often). I started to scare Finley with how much I was crying. He would always ask Josh, “What's wrong with mommy?” And Josh would reply with the same thing every time, “Nothing is wrong Finley.” Now, Finley was a smart four year old. He knew that something had happened. One day, Finley asked Josh, “Where's auntie Jazz?” Josh didn't know how to answer it. Josh said that she was on a vacation. Finley proceeded to say, “No, because uncle Marque and Uncle Matt are crying too.” Josh didn't know what to tell him so I called him over and told him that Auntie Jazz was not around anymore.

Finley wasn't even confused. He looked at me straight in the eyes, pointed upwards and said, “She's up there now?” I don't know what made me cry more; knowing that my son understood what happened, or knowing he wasn't all that upset about it. Yes, he was sad, but he didn't cry. Death didn't really register in a four year olds mind. I hated lying to Finley, but Josh didn't know how else to explain why I was upset; and I always told myself I would never lie to my child, because my parents never lied to me.

6 months after it had happened, I felt like I had to get out of Vancouver for a little while. I talked to Josh about it, and he suggested going to see my parents. I hadn't seen my parents in about 2 years.

I was sitting outside reading a book on the patio. Josh and Finley had gone over to Matt's for a few hours, so I had some time to myself. What was great about Josh that when something bad had happened, like someone's passing, he knew that I needed alone time every once in a while. I looked up when someone said hello. It was an older friend of mine, Katherine. “Hi Josline,” She smiled at me. I uncurled my legs out from under me and set my book down.

“Oh, hi Katherine, how are you?” I asked.

“I'm great. How are you doing?” She asked me. She joined me up on the porch, sitting in the other chair.

“Oh, you know. Better than what I have been,” I said. Katherine just smiled lightly at me. “So why are you out and about today?” I asked her.

“I was just going for a walk and I saw you sitting outside. I just thought I would drop by and see how you were doing.” I just smiled at her. “Are you doing anything for the rest of the summer?” She asked. It was August, and I hadn't really done anything for the summer aside from write.

Ellaries Dollhouse was actually at full force with writing the songs. We decided to dedicate the next album to Jazz, and Marque was writing a very special song for her. He also wanted to sing it on the album; something he had never done before. It had always been Airin or myself who sang. I was glad that Marque was stepping out from doing backing vocals.

“I'm going to see my parents in a few weeks. I just really feel like I need to get out of here,” I explained.

“That sounds like a wonderful plan. Are Josh and Finley going with you?” She asked me.

“Yes, they are,” I said, “Josh feels like he needs to be there with me; and since he used to live in the town, he knows his way around...slightly.” I smiled. Katherine smiled as well. “Are you going to do anything before your kids have to go back?” I asked her.

“Richard and I are going our long awaited honeymoon in a few days,” Katherine smiled, “We're going to Hawaii,” She said.

“That sounds amazing! How long have you two been married?” I asked.

“12 years and we still haven't had a honeymoon,” Katherine complained,”but Richards brother is looking after Karin and Desiree until we get back.”

“That was nice of him,” I smiled. Joshes car pulled up in the driveway and he got out of the car. I could see Finley getting restless in the back seat. Josh opened the back door and hoisted him up on his hip.

“Daddy! Down!” Finley complained.

“Just wait Finley!” Josh said, coming up the stairs.

“Down!” Finley whined at him. Finley was going through a phase of not liking Josh. A few months ago, it was me he didn't like.

“Okay, okay! Calm down!” Josh said, placing him down on the patio. He ran over to me and I picked him up, sitting him down on my lap. He wrapped his little arms around my neck.

“Why are you giving dad a hard time?” I asked. Finley didn't say anything; he buried his face in the crook of my neck.

“Well, in the car, he told me I smelled. And that he didn't like my shoes,” Josh said.

“Your shoes are kind of ugly Josh...” Katherine stated. Josh looked at her, and then his shoes. They had holes in them and they were starting to get very ratty.

“I didn't ask for you opinion Kath,” Josh smirked. Katherine stuck her tongue out at Josh. Finley huffed, and that was a sign he needed a nap.

“I should probably go put him down for a nap now. I stood up and said goodbye to Katherine. I walked inside and put Finley in his bed. He was usually really good with falling asleep. We didn't have many problems when it came to naps. I walked into the living room and Josh was sitting on the couch. I curled up next to him. “How's Matt doing?” I asked Josh. It took him a while to respond.

“He's doing better than what he was,” Josh said. He's still pissed off that the case is now considered a cold case.”

“I would be too!” I exclaimed, sitting upright on the couch. “I bet I could figure it out. I took law and forensic science in college,” I muttered. I had taken a few college courses when Ellaries Dollhouse wasn't on tour. I turned so my back was facing him.

Josh started rubbing my shoulders, “Josline, I know you're extremely upset by this, but you have to realize, there's only so much that they can do,” I tried to twist around to look at him but he kept his hands firmly on my shoulder. “New evidence will come up. Don't worry about it took much.”

“But how can I not? How are you so sure that new evidence will show up?” I forced myself to look at Josh. He stuttered for words. “How fucked up does a person have to be to do that to someone?” I almost yelled. Josh looked at me with a soft face. By then, I was shaking Josh pulled me in close to him and started rubbing my back.

“Baby, you need to just try to stay calm. I know it's hard on you. But please, try.” Joshes voice even broke. “It's hard on all of us, and everyone is coping in their own way. You have to try to relax; get your mind of it.” His words calmed me down. I moved away from him.

“I'm sorry.” I muttered. He looked at me strangely.

“Why are you sorry? You shouldn't be sorry for being hurt.” Josh frowned.

“You're right. I just need to take my mind off it,” I said. “Luckily we're going to my parents soon.” I laughed, but it was hollow;disembodied from me. I leaned back against the couch and Josh smiled comfortingly at me. He turned on the TV and the afternoon news was on. He quickly changed it, knowing that the news now depressed me. We settled on a re-run of an old TV show. I wasn't paying attention much. I would zone out on different things outside. I was starting to think about Jazz again, and I was about to cry, but Finley came running out of his bedroom. He had on a hat and his shoes were on the wrong feet. “Finley, what are you doing? And why are your shoes on the wrong feet?”

“I want to go play outside,” Finley smiled. I took this as an opportunity to go play outside with him.

“Do you want to play in your pool?” Finley shook his head.

“Hide and go seek!” Finley said. He grabbed my hand and started tugging on it. “Come on mommy!”

“Finley, at least put your shoes on right,” I said. Finley looked down and kicked his right shoe, then his left shoe off. I picked his right shoe up and held it out for his foot. He put his hands on his hip.

“I can do it myself!” He said, snatching the shoe out of my hand. I sat cross-legged on the floor, watching my son trying to put on his Velcro shoes. He finally managed to get it and he dragged me outside to the backyard. “I want to hide first!” Finley said.

“Okay, go hide.” I laughed. Josh was standing outside on the deck. I saw Finley out of the corner of my eye; he was hiding behind one of the small trees. I put my hands on my hips, “Oh my! Where did Finley go?” I said, taking a few steps towards the tree.

“I'm right here!” I heard Finley squeak. I was overcome with a sudden laughing fit.

“Where's Finley?” I asked once I started laughing.

“Right here!” Finley squeaked again, but sounding a little more impatient. I walked over to the tree and Finley leaped out from behind it and started to run around the yard. I chased after him, finally scooping him up in my arms. “You got me!” He exclaimed.

“Yes I did!” I said. I adjusted Finley so his arms were around my neck and and he was on my hip.

Finley kissed my cheek, “I love you mommy,” He said. I kissed the top oh his light-brown haired head. He really did look more like me than Josh. Finley had the dark green eyes and the round face. His nose was much like mine; thin bridge, expands out near the nostrils. But he did have striking similarities to Josh; his light brown hair (which is what Joshes original colour was) and eye shape were the most dominant features from Josh. He was also surprisingly tall for a four year old. He was not going to be short like me.

“Love you too baby.” I whispered in his ear. I had a feeling Finley was going to be the thing that saved me from insanity.