I Hate Myself Without You

There were only a few weeks before Marianas Trench had to go back on tour. I was cleaning out my office and I found a few things that belonged to Matt. I figured I should bring them back to him, so I told Josh I was going to go give them back to Matt. He nodded and went back to his computer screen.

I got in my car and drove towards Matt's apartment. The mid-September skies were looking extra beautiful for some reason. I started singing along to the radio, and soon I pulled up to Matt's apartment. I grabbed the garbage bag of his things and walked up the God forsaken narrow steps. I knocked on the door and I heard Matt yell for me to come in. “Matt? Where are you? I called out, setting the garbage bag down.

His head popped out of where my old room was. “Oh, hey Jaws. What's up?” He asked.

“I just found some stuff of yours at my house and I thought I would bring it back. What are you doing?” I asked, walking into the apartment.

“Oh, I was just...cleaning out the spare room.” He said. I walked to him and looked inside. Boxes upon boxes were opened and scattered all across the floor.

“Do you need help?” I asked. I then noticed a lot of the boxes were labelled “Jazz”. “You're going through her stuff?”

“I figured it was time.”

The two of us started going through boxes, trying to decide what to keep and what to throw away. It looked like it was killing Matt to get rid of things. But he knew he couldn't keep it all. We were finding all these old things that Jazz had. I found the notebook that Airin had given her for her 16th birthday. It was filled with quotes from every one of our friends. It made me feel weepy. Matt said I could keep it, but I thought giving it to Airin and Marque would have been better. We had been working at it for about an hour when Matt stumbled upon a box of letters.

“Jaws...look at these...” Matt said, walking over to me. The box read “When I die”. There was a letter addressed to Matt, Marque and Airin, Keith and Josie, Josh and myself. Matt took the letter addressed to him, his hands shaking.

“Do you...want me to read it?” I asked. Matt nodded his head. He opened the envelope and handed the letter to me. The letter was written nearly 3 years ago. I cleared my throat and started to read.

Dear Matt,

I'm really sorry you have to be reading this. Hopefully you're reading this when you're 30. I just had to let you know a few things before you finally made peace with me being gone.

I know this must be hard on you. It's probably hard on everyone. But I know you, of all people, will be strong and get through this. Matt, you were my first and only love. I know I never said it often, but I love you. You mean the world to me. I really hope you understand that. No matter how long I've been gone, I'll always love you, and I hope you feel the same way to me. I know things got a little rough between us sometimes; I know I got jealous of your female fans. But, you never stopped loving me through all of it.

I also want you to know, if I hadn't of died so you, if I didn't have this condition, I would have loved to of started a family with you, maybe go as far as getting married. I don't know if we have or not, I don't know if we'll have any kids by the time you do read this. You are the only person I wanted to spend my life with. And I did (for the most part).

I really don't want you to be upset that I'm gone. I know you will be, but I don't want you to be. I want you to be happy that I lived the life I lived. And please, don't ever forget me.

Love you always,
Jasmine.

I fought to hold back the tears, Matt was close to crying as well. I leaned forwards and hugged him and we stayed like that for a solid five minutes. Neither of us knew what to say to one another. When I finally let go of Matt, I tried so hard to not cry. It was proving almost impossible. “She...she really did love you,” I said.

“I know,” Matt croaked.

“Oh, don't you start crying. You're a robot. You're not supposed to cry!” I said, wiping an escaping tear.

“Neither are you,” Matt retorted.

“I'm a mom, I have out of whack hormones. I'm allowed to cry,” I said. We smiled at each other and gave each other one last hug before I left. I took the letter addressed to Josh and I. I was tempted to read it in the car, but I didn't. I waited until I got home. When I came in the house, Josh almost instantly knew something was wrong. He got up and hugged me and held me for a long time. I started crying into his chest while he tried to comfort me. “I have this letter from Jazz,” I said. Josh held me at arms length. I held the letter out and Josh took it from me. “I can't read it. I already read Matt's.” Josh opened the envelope and unfolded the paper.

Josh and Josline,

I really hope you two are still together when you're reading this.

I'll start with Josline. Jaws...Shark Attack...Hey You. We had many nicknames for you. You are my best friend in the entire planet. You helped me get through so much, and I'm very thankful for it. You helped me snag my man (and just so you know, I helped you get yours!) and you helped me with so much more than that. You really have no idea how much you have helped me. I don't know what I would have done with out you.

Josh, you have to be one of the funniest guys I have ever met. I really liked hanging out with you when I got the chance. I know we weren't that close, but you were still I really big influence. You showed me that you can be who ever you want, and you showed me to not care about what people thought of you. If you're having a good time, don't care about those who aren't. I want to say, treat Josline right. She really loves you, and if you break her heart, I will haunt you. And I swear by that.

I really hope you guys stay together. You're made for each other. I also hope I haven't missed a Ramsay-Jaulby wedding. I want you two to be happy, and I want your little clan of munchkins to grow. Treat each other right, and if I am gone before you get married, I'll still be at that wedding, only in spirit.

Just remember, treat each other right, or I will be back to haunt you.

Love forever,
Jasmine.

Josh set the letter down on a table and wiped his eyes. He was trying so hard not to cry. He wrapped his arms around me again. “Josline, I love you so much,” he whispered in my ear. “I may not show it, but don't forget that. I don't know what I'd do without you.” Josh said, his voice shaky.

It was in that moment that I realized that Josh and I were in it for the long haul.