I Hate Myself Without You

I walked around the house, bored, a few days after Josh had left to go on tour. Finley was taking a nap, and the TV was just wasn't very interesting to me. I started cleaning the house, starting out with sweeping, then moved on to dusting. I only ever really cleaned the house when I was bored, or before my parents or Josh's parents came to visit. I was going to start on the dishes, but there was a knock on the door. “Oh my God, thank you who ever you are!” I said. I practically ran to the door and opened it. Zack was there. “Oh, hey Zack,” I said.

“Hey Josline. You busy?” He asked.

“No. No, I was just cleaning,” I leaned up against the door frame.

“That bored?”

“Oh, God yes,” I sighed heavily. “Zack laughed. “What are you doing here anyways?”

“I came over to drop this off,” Zack handed me a CD case. “It's the raw copy of the album.”

“Oh, thanks so much!” I said. Zack smiled and nodded.

“Do you want some company right now?” he asked me.

“Yes, that would be great!” I exclaimed. I let Zack in and he kicked off his flip flops. He walked into the living room and looked around.

“You said you were cleaning right?” he asked. I nodded. “Well, it definitely doesn't look like it.”

“I'm sorry if my house is not as spotless as your moms. I don't spend every single second of the day cleaning,” I said. Zack laughed, because he knew it was true. His mom was from Italy, so she spent every single minute of the day cleaning and cooking. Their house was seriously spotless. There was never any dust or dirt. It was like the house was a sterilization equipment store house. “Do you want something?” I asked.

“No, I'm fine. Mom just made me eat a big lunch,” Zack said. He sat down on the couch next to me. He pushed up one of the legs on his jean Capri shorts (they went up to his knee) and looked over at me. “Do you mind if I take this off?” he pointed to his leg.

“Go ahead,” I said. Zack smiled and took off his prosthetic leg. He had one custom made for him with a tattoo print. I always stared while Zack took off his leg; it just amazed me. I felt rude for staring, but Zack reassured me it was alright. The first time that I met Zack I noticed that he walked a bit strangely, but I never asked him. When the band was visiting him, he asked if he could take his leg off, and every one was confused. So he rolled up his pants and showed us.

Zack was in a car accident when he had just turned 16. It was his first time with his licence. Zack always thought he was invincible; nothing could touch him, and nothing was ever going to happen to him. Turns out he wasn't that invincible. The party he went to ran out of beer, Zack offered to drive into town and get more. His friends begged with him not to because it was dangerous to be driving that late. Zack wouldn't hear of it, and went anyways. Since he was drunk, he was speeding almost double the limit. He did lose control of the vehicle and he did end up rolling into a ditch. His car was totalled, and his left leg crushed so bad, there was no way the doctors could have fixed it. He had to get the amputation, and he was definitely not happy about it. In fact, he was bitter for 4 months before he finally came to terms with what happened.

I had to force myself to look away from Zack's leg. “I'm sorry, it's just so weird watching you take that thing off,” I said.

Zack shrugged his shoulders, “You should see the reaction I get on planes and buses. Little kids are freaked out by it, and older people are fascinated,” he explained. “But, how many times do I have to tell you to not be sorry for staring?” Zack said sternly.

“I've just never known anyone with an artificial leg before! It's just...weird,” I frowned. Zack kind of chuckled and wiggled his little stub of a leg up and down. “That's even weirder.”

“Finley loves it,” Zack said. “He goes into giggle fits when I take my leg off.”

“Well, Finley is a dork.” I laughed. We stayed silent for a few minutes.

“So, how have things been between you and Josh? Is he still acting weird?” Zack asked, bringing his other leg up and tucking it under his stub.

“They've been normal, I guess. We haven't talked about the marriage thing since he caught me coming out of the studio that one day.” I explained. I stopped to think for a second, “He was kind of distancing himself from me for a little while. He just told me that I had to trust him because he couldn't tell me what was going on,”

“Do you trust him?” Zack asked. I shrugged.

“I guess. I mean, he's always been secretive. It's something I don't like, but It's something I have to deal with. “ I sighed.

“It doesn't seem like you do trust him though,” Zack said. I gave him a look that told him I didn't want to talk about it. “I wouldn't worry about him though. He's a decent guy. I really doubt he would do something stupid behind your back.” Zack and Josh had never really talked; maybe a total of 10 times at and outside of the studio.

“You're right. I don't know why I'm freaking out about it,” I said. “I think I'm just a bit on edge, because now I'm expecting Josh to propose.”

“I'm pretty sure he will.” Zack said. I could tell from the way he said it that something was up. I leaned forwards and stared him down.

“Do you know something I don't Zack?” I interrogated him.

“No, I know just about as much as you,” Zack concluded. I couldn't tell if he was lying or not, he was very good liar. I frowned at my band mate.

“Alright, fine. But if I find out something that you already know, I'll beat you with your leg!” I threatened. Zack chuckled.

“If you can get it off, be my guest,” Zack said.

“A-ha! So you do know something I don't!” I said triumphantly.

“I already told you. I know as much as you do.” Said said straight-faced.

However, little to the extent of my knowledge, Zack, and the rest of the band, knew things that I definitely didn't know or expect.