I Hate Myself Without You

The morning I had to get up early for the photo shoot I was extremely cranky. It was mostly because I didn't like getting up earlier than 4 in the morning. How I managed the first few months that Finley was around, I'll never know. We were working with Matt Barnes, a photographer that we had never worked with before, and he had us do a really cool 50's inspired rockabilly shoot. Every one of the boys was rocking a Grease sort of look, except Airin. He got to be the odd one out with a nerd get-up. His hair was slicked back, had on big clunky glasses, high-waistband jeans, a t-shirt and suspenders. I enjoyed Airin's outfit scheme better than the rest of them, including my own. I had to squeeze myself into a pencil skirt and some weird strappy corset thing. I got to wear a cropped leather jacket over top of that.

We all got individual shots done; it was strange seeing Marque in a leather jacket, looking tough and having his hair looking like John Travolta's in Grease. Zack kind of had a greaser look going for him to begin with, so there wasn't much to work with on him. Keith looked more like an old-school punk then a greaser, but everyone still looked great. Getting my hair done was impossible to say the least. Since my hair was pretty long, there was a lot to work with. I really wanted to cut my hair of about an hour into the curling and hair spraying. It took almost an hour and a half to do my hair alone. Everyone else's took a half an hour to 40 minutes. I hated having long hair sometimes.

We got to the radio station only minutes before we were set to go on air (the photo shoot was half way across Toronto). We met the host and got settled in. Zack was a little bit bouncy, mostly nerves (it was the first time he was doing a radio interview). The song that was playing faded out and the host, Scott, started talking.

“And welcome back. Just as I promised, we have Ellaries Dollhouse in the studio right now. We have the entire band,Airin, Josline, Marque, Keith and Zack here. I think that last time we talked was 4 years ago when the second album came out.”

“Yeah, I think it was,” Airin confirmed.

“So, a lot of things have changed since then. You have a new member, most of you all have children now. What's been going on. Well, first off, where did Zack come from, because I'm sure a lot of people listening are wondering.”

“We picked him up off the street,” I said. Zack kind of laughed. “No, we actually found him through YouTube. He played a cover of one of our songs, and with near perfection I might add.”

“He was 16 at the time too, so it was really cool to see someone so young able to play one of our songs right.” Keith added. “Josline had really been the only one able to play the improvised solos.”

“That's pretty cool. How old are you now Zack?” Scott asked.

“I'm 19 now.” Zack said.

“How was it being part of the band after they had been established in the music industry?”

“I thought I was going to have a hard time getting along with them, but they made me feel really comfortable, and they treated me like I had been in the band since the beginning.”

“How so?”

“They didn't exclude me from things. They made sure that I knew what was going. They just kind of made me feel like the family.” I smiled and squeezed Zack's shoulder.

“I don't think any of us would have felt right treating him any differently. We offered him a spot, he took it. We would be contradicting ourselves if we treated him like an outsider. They never did that to me when I became part of ED, so why should we do it to Zack?” Marque stated.

“That's a very good point,” Scott said. “Now, since you're back in Toronto, I'm assuming there is going to be a new album soon.”

“There is, yes.” Airin said. “We're kind of going back to what Kliik sounded like; kind of edgy, but still poppy. With Ellaries Dollhouse, we sort of formed into a rock-pop-punk-screamo thing.”

“It's kind of an out with the old, in with the new, only the other way around?”

“Pretty much. I like the sound that ED had on the first two albums, but Airin has really damaged his vocal chords over the two albums.” I explained.

“Being out of commission for that long of a time period really screws up your vocal chords. Since we had been on our little hiatus for so long, I didn't have to use that part of my voice. It's probably going to some time to reteach myself that.” Airin said.

“But despite all of that, the album is coming along nicely. We're planning for it to be out early January,” Keith said.

“Do you ever have any scheduling conflicts when you have to actually go out and do some recording? I know that Josline, you have your son, and Airin and Marque, you have your son. Who looks after them?”

“Well, usually, when Josh is home, he looks after both Finley and Duncan. But when he's gone, and Matt is gone, Zack's mom ends up looking after them.” I said.

“I don't really know if she's thrilled about having to look after two four-year-olds right now though. She had a hard enough time when me and my siblings were still living at home.” Zack added, “But, she doesn't mind looking after them.” Scott smiled at us.

“Speaking of Matt and Josh, are you going to Marianas Trench's tonight?” Scott asked.

“We are. We're actually helping out with the venue. Keith and I are in charge of sound levels for the whole night.” Airin said.

“I think Zack and I are doing merchandise,” Marque added.

“And what are you doing Josline?”

“I'm not really sure. I might be helping Brett, the guitar tech for the band, but I'm really not sure right now. I wouldn't be very good at security. I'm too small, and I'd be trampled.” Scott laughed.

“Well, it was great catching up with you guys again. Hopefully it wont be another four years until we talk!” I smiled.

After the interview we headed over to the venue where MT and the other bands were going to be playing. I got to meet the guys in The New Cities and in The Mission District for the first time, and they were all really cool. I spent most of the time talking to Rob from TMD; we shared our nerdy love of comic books and old video games with one another for a good hour before Matt drug me away. He wanted to take a walk with me.

“How's everything going?” Matt asked me.

“Just fine. Why?” I asked, slightly confused.

“Just wondering,” He said. I noticed that he had a cheeky grin on his face. That confused me even more.

“Are you alright Matt? You're acting awful strange. I don't really like it,” He looked at me.

“I'm just happy. Can't I be happy?”

“Yes, but you can't be creepily happy. It's unnerving,” I said. “Why are you so happy anyways?” I questioned.

“I'm just looking forwards to tonight. Aren't you ever excited about your shows?” Matt asked.

“Yes, always. But never at the level you are. I'm never even quasi-happy as you.” I said. We continued walking, Matt started a new conversation, but my mind was stuck on Matt being creepy. There was obviously something up. Everyone seemed to know something and was refusing to tell me. Josh even busied himself with things that didn't need attending to to avoid talking to me.

I was getting really tired of all the secrets.