I Hate Myself Without You

I was still in a little bit of shock after the concert had ended. I asked Brett if he knew about it and he told me that Josh had discussed it in the van with the rest of the band while driving into Toronto. That brought to light Matt's over enthused happiness. Airin came running back stage, abandoning his duties as co-sound manager (Keith actually understood the soundboard and equipment better than Airin, and Keith had only been playing guitar since he was 20- Airin would have been 16 or 17. Airin had been playing since he was basically born). He tackle-hugged me, almost knocking both of us to the ground. He started babbling away about something before I finally told him to shut up.

“Airin...calm down, shut up, and...” I squished his lips closed, making him look like he had duck lips. “There we go, much better.” Airin put his hands on his hips. I let go of his lips, “Now, what are you babbling about?”

“I was saying, that I helped pick out the ring!” Airin said. I looked down at the ring. It was a really simple ring; an opal rested around a ring of little jewels, and it had a plain silver band.

“Well, it does seem like something you'd pick out,” I said.

“Actually, I didn't pick out this specific ring. Josh did,” Airin explained. “He saw it and asked me if your birthstone was an opal. I had a completely different ring in mind.”

I smiled, and soon I was tackled by two other people. Marque and Zack came at from either side of me and threw their arms around me. They were both squishing me. Marque was a little bit shorter than Airin was (Airin was 6'5”), and Zack was only 3 inches taller than me (I was still only 5'3” when I was 24. Zack was 5'6”).

“Squi...SQUISHING!” I squeaked. Both of the boys let go of me and backed off slightly. “Thank you.” I said calmly. “Now, first I would like to know, why does every one enjoy tackling me right now? Second thing I would like to know...” I paused, “Want to see my ring?” I cheekily smiled at the other two boys. Marque grasped my left hand looked at my hand stared at the ring on my finger. He started hopping up and down.

“It's so pretty!” He squealed. I stared at him and he stopped jumping.

“Marque...you're more of a girl than I am sometimes,” I said in a “what-the-fuck tone”.

Marque looked back and forth between Airin, Zack and myself. He shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah,” and walked away from the rest of us. Marque really did confuse me.

Brett yelled at me to come help with putting things back in the guys van. Ian had come back stage to help with things. I was bombarded with questions from concert goers a few times while bringing amps outside. Brett was surprised that I could lift one of the big amps all on my own. I was small, but I was tough. I had been moving big heavy amps for a few years. I had gained quite a bit of muscle in my arms. I got a few more people asking to see my ring (including Marque) before everything was all packed up and we had to leave. Most of the other bands went to a bar down from the venue. ED and a random few TMD guys stayed back and went to the hotel that TMD, ED and Marianas Trench were all staying at. Airin, Keith and Marque went right to bed. Zack and I went down to the lobby and talked for an hour before he started to get tired. I stayed in the lobby and flipped through the magazines. I was there for another hour or so. I had just curled up my legs underneath myself when a few of the guys walked in, Josh among them. They were being loud and boisterous as usual, but I could tell the had a few beers in them. Josh noticed me and told the others he'd catch up to them. He bent over slightly to kiss me and the smell of alcohol greeted my nose. I scrunched my face slightly as Josh plopped himself down in another chair next to the one I was in.

“Have fun?” I asked, tossing the magazine back on the table.

“Yeah, pretty much the guys threw an extremely pre-bachleor party,” Josh smiled.

“Is their going to be a post one now too? Because if you have a pre-party, you need to have a post-party,” I stated.

“Only if my beautiful bride will let me,” I really had to hand it to Josh. Being sweet and romantic was definitely not his thing. He did have his very rare moments though. Josh was always the funny-romantic type, never really the sweet-romantic type. The sudden change threw me off a little, but knowing Josh, he'd go back to himself in no time. “Why aren't you in bed yet? You have an interview tomorrow.”

“It's at 5,” I said, uncurling my legs. Josh slapped his legs lightly and stood up.

“Let's go for a walk then,” He suggested.

“A walk? Right now? It's 1 in the morning,” I replied.

“Oh, come on. We used to go for walks all the time in the dead of night,” Josh said tugging on my hands.

“Yeah, but that was when we were 16 and living in a small-ass town,” I resisted getting up. Josh used the regular approach to getting me to do something; picked me up and hanging me over his shoulder. He walked out the hotel doors with me, a bitter chill nipping at my bare skin. “Really Ramsay? 26 and you're still doing this?”

“It's effective. It gets you to do things,” Josh stated. We had walked for about a minute and Josh hadn't put me down.

“Can you put me down now?” I asked.

“Nah...I like my view,” it took a few seconds to understand what he was getting at. I mentally face-palmed myself.

“If you don't let me down, I will reach down and grab some very valuable man parts. And I'm pretty sure they are easy to find in those tight pants of yours,” I said.

“But, Finley came from those valuables!” Josh exclaimed.

“Yes, but you didn't have to carry him for almost 9 months, and then had to birth him. Now did you?”

“That, I did not.”

“Exactly. Put me down,” Josh stopped walking and placed me back on the ground. I was never going to get used to the fact that he was a full foot taller than me. Josh smiled at me, and I smiled back. I know it's such a cliché thing, but those couples who say that sometimes they don't need to say anything to each other, that's how I got with Josh sometimes. He would take one look at me and know if something was up. Josh pulled me in close to him and held me against his chest. That was the most relaxing thing in the world to me. Being in Joshes arms soothed me, and it reassured me that everything was going to be alright.