I Hate Myself Without You

It was getting closer and closer to Halloween, Finley was super excited. Well...Finley was really excited about candy, not actually dressing up. Finley and I decided to go costume shopping. He kept telling me he wanted to “be uncle Marque.” I wasn't entirely sure how he meant it. I kept telling him that we'll get him some clothes for the costume, but he kept saying no. He said, “I don't need clothes mom! I need to be uncle Marque!” My son was confusing.

Finley dragged me to the costume part of the store we were in. He was looking around, and finally he pointed to a children's banana costume. I stared back and forth between my son and the costume. Finley looked at me with a serious look on his face, “Always bring a banana to a party.” I couldn't help myself from laughing. Marque always did say something like that. I had no clue why, but he did.

“Uncle Marque...” I chuckled. “So this is what you want?” Finley nodded excitedly. “Alright, grab it and let's go.” We paid for the costume and went grocery shopping, which was longer than what it should have been because Finley liked to explore. Luckily the store was small, so I could find him easily. We went home and Finley brought his costume into his room, all excited about it. I started to put the groceries away. I heard the door open.

“Hey hey!” I heard Airin yell. Airin just let himself in, it was nothing new. I heard Finley squeal with excitement that Uncle Airin was here. I laughed to myself and walked into the living room. Marque was also with Airin.

“Hey guys, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“Well, we just wanted to say goodbye,” Airin said.

“Where are you two going?” I questioned.

“Well, Marque is going to Zambia with Habitat for Humanity, and I am going to Los Angeles for a video shoot and some recording on some other bands record,” Airin explained.

“How long are you going to be gone?” I asked.

“I'll be gone until the 30th,” Airin said.

“I'm not going to be back until November 8th,” Marque stated.

“So, who's looking after Duncan?”

“My dad,” Marque said. I hadn't seen or talked to Chris since New Years Eve (Marque's birthday), and knowing Finley, he was going to want to see Grandpa Chris. I could tell it was going to be a emotional reunion.

“Marque, you're not going to be here for Halloween...you wont even see Finley's costume! Finley, go put on your costume,” I said. Finley nodded and ran to his room. “You're going to like this Marque,” I smiled.

“Well, he better hurry up, because I have to be at the airport in a few minutes,” Marque said.

“Finley,” I called from the living room,“come out here and show Uncle Marque and Airin your costume before they leave!” I said. Finley came running out of his bedroom, a banana costume on his tiny body. Marque and Airin burst out laughing. Finley just kept smiling away. I knelt down next to my son, “Now, who are you?”

“Uncle Marque!” Finley squeaked. Marque looked at his nephew strangely. I nudged Finley a little, “Always bring a banana to a party!” Finley said with a dead serious face. Marque smiled at him.

“Finley, you are amazing,” Marque said.

“What are you going to be Josline? An orange?” Airin asked.

“Mommy's going to be a...a...mommy, what are you?” Finley looked at me. I stood up straight.

“I don't know what I'm going to be just yet. I think I'm going to be a lumberjack. I stole one of Matt's plaid shirts before they left,” I said.

“The banana and the lumberjack...sounds like a really bad sitcom,” Marque said.

“Yeah...it really does,” Airin said.

“My life is a bad sitcom,” I said.

When Airin and Marque left, and Finley went to have a nap, I took my laptop out into the living room and checked my e-mail. I ended up having a twitter party with 4 other people for about an hour, then I just surfed around for a little while. I got a little pop up from Skype saying someone wanted to chat with me (I was always logged on for some reason, even though I barely used my computer). I pressed accept and turned the volume up on my computer. I laughed when Josh popped up on my screen. “Dear God, you look haggard,” I told him.

“I just woke up,” Josh said. I looked at the time in the corner.

“Buddy, it's 3 in the afternoon!” I pressed my hand to my face.

“Well, I was rocking a show last night. I didn't go to bed until fucking 4 in the morning,” Josh told me sleepily.

“You're so bad with your sleep cycle. When you're at home, you go to bed at 12, wake up at 1. On tour, you go to sleep when ever the fuck you want, and wake up when ever the fuck you want,” I said. “I get up at 6 every morning!”

“And that is why you're insane,” Josh smiled. I smiled as well.

“So, you'll never guess what your son is being for Halloween,” I said.

“I can only imagine...”

“He's being Marque,” I said.

“Well, that's not that bad,” Josh said.

“No...no, just wait,” I stood up and snuck into Finley's room to grab his costume. I sat back down on the couch.

“That's...that's a banana costume,” Josh looked confused.

“Always bring a banana to a party,” I said. Josh thought for a moment, then slapped his hand against his forehead.

“My God, our child is weird.”

“He has multiple influences, remember. You and me, Airin and Marque, Matt, Ian, Mike, Zack, Keith, all of your sisters...” I started listing every one in Finley's life.

“Okay, okay, I got it. We have strange families,” Josh stated, “and friends.”

“We just know weird people in general,” I said. “So when are you coming home again?”

“Some time in the middle of November? I'm not quite sure just yet,” Josh said.

“You should come home now, because I miss you. I miss having someone to accidentally kick out of the bed,” I said.

“Well, I miss just seeing your pretty face every day. And, surprisingly, I miss being kicked out of bed. At least when you wouldn't let me back into the bed, I had Finley to go lay down with. He doesn't kick me out of the bed,” Josh smirked. I smiled remembering how many times I had woken up to find Josh and Finley in Finley's bed. Josh was too tall for the bed, so his legs hung over the end. Finley was usually curled up in a ball right by the pillow. Finley reminded me of a cat sometimes.

“If you weren't such a bed hog, I wouldn't have to kick you out of bed!”

“I believe YOU are the bed hog, because YOU are the one that kicks ME out of bed,” Josh said. I giggled slightly. Josh told me he had to go do something, so we said good bye and I turned off my computer. It was really those moments that I appreciated.