I Hate Myself Without You

It was strange how well I could balance mom-things and band-things so well. It did get a bit overwhelming at times, but I managed. Finley was in Kindergarten, he was more energetic then ever, and I was having a hard time keeping up with his favourite colour (which changed every day). He was also starting to become more independent, refusing to let me help him with his shoes, or help him pick out his clothes. That's when I started feeling really old. Knowing that my baby boy was growing up, it made me feel old. And it honestly kind of scared me. I cried when Finley went to his first day of Kindergarten. It was sad knowing that I wouldn't have Finley to cheer me up in the middle of the day. I was glad that the school was in walking distance though. It was a 20 minute walk to the school and back, only about a 10 minute drive. I was a little less worried about Finley, because he didn't have to take the bus. Duncan also went to the school, so if I couldn't pick up Finley, Marque or Airin would along with Duncan. But if neither of us were in Vancouver, Josh and Matt would take over. And if THEY weren't there, and Marque, Airin and I were there, Eloisa would look after the kids. It all worked out in one way or another. We hadn't figured out what we would do if Eloisa wasn't there. We would probably suffer endlessly until we found a solution.

I woke up at six in the morning, when I usually woke up. It didn't matter when I went to bed, I would always get up at 6. Even if I went to bed at 5:55, I would get up at 6. My sleeping patterns were royally fucked. I fumbled around for my clothes for a few minutes, not thinking about turning the light on. I pulled on a pair of pants and lazily put my shirt on while walking into the bathroom. I flicked the light on, the light blinding me for a few seconds. I looked in the mirror and looked at my hair. It wasn't standing up on end, but I really didn't feel like doing anything with it. I frowned, deciding I would just throw it up in a ponytail. I made a mental note of telling Marque we were going to get haircuts when he got back from Zambia.

I finished in the bathroom and went to make a pot of coffee. I walked into the kitchen and opened the coffee canister. “No coffee,” I mumbled. I closed the lid on it and threw it into the blue bin next to the garbage can. “Going to need more of that.” I made another mental note that I had to pick up more coffee. I made myself a cup of tea instead. We had plenty of tea. Josie would bring over a new box every few weeks. The teas she gave me were supposed to help with positive energy, getting rid of stress, killing a cold, healing my “personal self”, or making me relaxed and calm. She never gave me any regular tea though. Keith and Josie were a good match for each other. Keith was a hippie child, always keeping calm, and he always talked like he was high, even though he hadn't done drugs since he was 17. Josie had a very calming voice. Brandon, their son, was definitely going to be a calm little bugger.

By the time I had finished my tea, it was time to wake up Finley. I put my cup in the sink and opened Finley's bedroom door. He was sprawled out over his bed, his cover was just barely on him. I didn't know how he slept sometimes. I lightly pushed on his shoulder. “Hey, monkey butt, wake up!” Finley buried his face into his pillow deeper than it was. I heard a slight “no” sound from him. “Oy, don't start this with me. I have the power to take away your bike,” I said. Finley's head popped up from his pillow.

“No!” he gasped.

“Then get up and get your clothes on!” I said.

“Okay!” Finley leaped out of his bed and started running around his room. I laughed to myself and went to get his breakfast ready. Finley eventually ran out of his room with his things on. “Good?” Finley asked, almost breathlessly. That was his way of asking if he looked like a dork.

“Very good,” I replied. Finley smiled at sat down at the table. He took the spoon in his hand at started eating his cereal. Finley started chattering away.

“Today is the weekly sharing circle!” Finley beamed.

“What is that?” I asked.

“Every Thursday, three people gets to share something with the rest of the class,” he said.

“When do you get to share something?”

“Next week. It goes by alpha...alphebe...” Finley couldn't pronounce 'alphabetical'.

“Alphabetical?” I smiled.

“That one!” Finley squeaked. “By our last names.”

“So you're at Q now?”

“No, R. There's 14 R last names in my class,” Finley said. It was a big class. It was a big school too. There was a total of 38 kids in his kindergarten class. “Today it's Katrina, Mikey and Veyda. Next week it's Sadie, me and...I can't remember the other person.”

“Well, that's interesting. What are you going to share?” I asked him. Finley shrugged.

“I don't know,” he mashed his words together. I rolled my eyes at my little 4 year old.

“Alright, well, finish up your breakfast,” I said, standing up. I took his lunch out of the fridge and set it on the counter. Finley soon finished up his breakfast and he got his shoes and coat on. He put on his backpack, and I stuffed his lunch in one of the pockets. Quickly, I threw my shoes on and we started walking to the school. Finley took my hand as soon as we got onto the sidewalk. He may of been the little Energizer Bunny hopped up on 'roids, but he was good when it came to walking somewhere. He told me that he didn't want to be “hit by the vroom-vrooms”. Yeah, I had a strange kid.

“Mommy, can I go over to Duncan's today?” Finley asked me.

“I don't know. Doesn't Grandpa Chris know about this plan of yours?” I asked him.

Finley looked down at the sidewalk, “No...”

“Well, don't you think you should ask?”

“Yeah...” Finley sounded disappointed.

“I planned on going to see him later today anyways, I can go talk to him,” I said. Finley smiled up at me. We got to the school, and I kneeled down in front of my son and hugged him. “Now, behave today please. If I get a call from Mr Saunders saying you were pulling Kiki's hair again, I will take away your bike,” Finley gasped again.

“Okay mommy.” Finley waved good bye and I stood up right. I watched him walk into the school before walking back towards the house. The grocery store was across the street, so I made a quick stop there and did some shopping. I liked that specific grocery store because it was affordable, and it had a great selection of organic and health foods.

I finished my shopping and headed back home. I got to the corner of the street where it split off from my house to Airin and Marque's apartment. The apartment building was 2 blocks from my house. I turned in the direction of the apartment and headed towards it.