I Hate Myself Without You

“Josh, I'm going to the store to pick up something for dinner. Do you want anything?” I asked when I was slipping on my shoes.

“No, I think I'm okay. Wait, could you pick up a package of smokes for me?” Josh popped his head out of our bedroom. I slipped my last shoe on and nodded. I was having a hard time coping with the fact that Josh smoked. I quit many years ago, when Ellaries Dollhouse and Marianas Trench had first toured together. Josh, however, never smoked around Finley; I just wished that he could quit. I grabbed my car keys and walked out the door. I was very hesitant to start driving again after my accident, but many people always were. It took a few months to get back behind the wheel. Every day I am grateful that I didn't have anyone else in the car, like Josh or Finley.

Grocery shopping always went by quickly with me, because I always knew what I wanted when I went on. Shopping with Josh and Finley was impossible. Finley would want to explore, and Josh wasn't helpful. I loaded the few bags I had into the back of the car. I sat in the front seat of the car, put the keys in the ignition, but I didn't turn the car on. I put both of my hands on the steering wheel. I didn't know what I wanted to do at that moment; I didn't actually want to go home. I wanted to drive somewhere else, and I knew exactly where.

I pulled up in the parking lot of an apartment complex. I got out of the car and pressed the automatic car lock; the car made a loud beep. I looked up at the 5 story building. I walked up 3 flights of narrow stairs; I always hated walking up those stairs. I walked down to one of the end apartments and knocked on the plain white door. I readjusted my tank top and smoothed down my hair; it had a habit of frizzing slightly in the summer months. I waited a few more seconds before trying to knock again, but as soon as I went to knock, the door swung open, making my fist hit air. I still went on “knocking” at the door.

“Josline? What are you doing here?” I looked up at Matt's face. He was looking rough, but better then the last time I had seen him, which was nearly 2 months prior to that visit.

“I haven't seen you in a while Matt! I wanted to see how you're doing,” I told him. I gave him a quick hug before he let me into his apartment. It was a small place, but livable. A few scattered chairs here and there, one couch, a television pressed up against the wall. The kitchen and dining room merged into one area, making it cluttered. There were two bedrooms, one of which I had lived in before. When I moved out, I remembered that Jazz told me it was turned back into storage, because that's what it was before I moved in. Now the place seemed almost empty; not because anything had been moved out, because of the lack of presence. I noticed when I walked in that almost all of Matt's clothes were in a big laundry basket, sitting in the middle of is living room. Blankets were piled up at one end of the couch as well. “Matt, why are all of your things out here?” I asked him. I looked back at him and just shrugged at me. “How long have you been sleeping out here for?” Matt started mentally calculating.

“Approximately seven months,” he told me. That confused me. Jazz had only passed away six month before.

“Seven? Why seven?” I asked.

“Well, Jazz and I,” It seemed almost deadly for him to say her name, “were going through a little bit of a rough patch,” Matt explained. That shocked me. Matt and Jazz seemed like the most stable couple in the world. Even more stable than my parents, who were in a constant long distance relationship.

“Rough patch?” I repeated. Matt scratched the back of his head.

“She was getting a little uncomfortable with how much popularity the band's been getting; and of all the attention I was getting,” Matt frowned slightly. Jazz always did have a problem with Matt touring around. I was used to the attention Josh got, because I almost got an equal amount. Jazz, however, became jealous easily. Once in high school, I was joking around with Matt at lunch one day; he playfully grabbed my behind, and for the rest of the day, I could feel Jazz burning a hole in the back of my head. I finally had to explain to her that I could never see Matt as more than a friend, and that he was more like a brother to me.

“Well, that does seem like a Jazz thing to do,” I folded my arms over my chest. Matt nodded in agreement. “I honestly can't see you two fighting though. It seems unnatural,”

“It happened more than you think,” Matt said. I looked a him, a little shocked.

“You guys argued a lot?”

“Mostly about tours. I kept telling her she could come along, but she refused every time, and I don't know why,” Matt said. I could tell he wanted to get off the topic of his late girlfriend, so I decided to change it. I looked over at his kitchen table; empty food containers we're piled on top of it.

“You haven't gotten around to cleaning much, have you?” I asked. Matt looked at the table and chuckled lightly.

“I had to fire my maid. She just wasn't doing her job,” Matt smiled. It was good to actually see him smile. I walked over to the table and picked up one of the empty Chinese food boxes with my index finger and thumb. I held it up at Matt.

“Really? This has mold growing in it,” I said. I put it back down on the table and walked over to the kitchen sink, getting a garbage bag out.

“Okay, now what are you doing?” Matt asked me.

“Since you 'fired your maid', somebody has to make sure you're living in a hygienic environment,” I said, walking back over to the table and shoving all the empty boxes into the bag. “And while I'm doing this, go have a shower. You smell like you've been sitting in a garbage disposal for weeks!” I said, shooing him away. He hung his head and sulked off to the bathroom. Soon I could hear the water running. I shook my head lightly and continued to clean up the kitchen. Matt didn't take long showers, but by the time he got out, I had cleared off, and wiped down the table and kitchen counters.

“You're a speedy worker,” Matt said once he came back out into the kitchen. He only had a pair of sweatpants on. I looked at him, placing my hands on my hips.

“Matt, put a shirt on. You're not at a perfume ad shoot,” I smirked. Matt stuck his tongue out at me. “And put some jeans, or shorts on,” I added, picking up the garbage bag I filled.

“Why? What if I want to stay like this?”

“Too bad. You're coming over to my house for dinner,” I said matter-of-factually. Matt opened his mouth to say something, “I didn't ask you if you wanted to come over Matt, you're coming over whether you like it or not,” I stated. “Now, get a shirt and shorts on, and I'll meet you at my car.” I hoisted the bag over my shoulder and headed out of the apartment. I went down the three flights of stairs and outside to where the garbage bins were. Matt was by my side almost instantly. I smiled at him and unlocked the car. Matt got in on the passengers side, and I sat in the drivers seat. I quickly pulled out my cellphone and called Josh.

“Hello?” Josh answered.

“Hey babe, Matt is coming over for dinner,” I said.

“So that's where you've been? I was tempted to send out a search party,”

“Hardy-har-har Josh, you're funny,” I sarcastically said.

“You made him come over, didn't you.” It was more of a statement then a question.

“Not exactly. I just told him to put on some clothes and to get in my car,” I said. Matt snorted, covering his mouth.

“You know, out of context, it sounds like you're sleeping with my best friend,” Josh laughed. I thought about what I said and smacked my forehead.

“Oh, shut up.” I laughed. I said goodbye to Josh and hung up my phone. I set it in the cigarette tray, that was never used and turned on the car. I pulled out of the parking lot and started heading down the street back to my house.

As soon as Matt and I got in the door, Finley leaped off the couch and ran over to Matt screaming, “Uncle Matt! Uncle Matt!”

Matt picked him up, “Hey little dude, how are you?” Matt asked Finley. I smiled and took off my shoes while Finley was explained how his day had been, including that his dad 'forced him' to take a nap when he wasn't tired (but he clearly was). Matt looked over at Josh, who was also sitting on the couch, “Well, your dad is just mean then!” Matt said, placing Finley down so he could get his shoes off. Finley ran into his room and didn't come back out.

“I swear that kid has a permanent energy pack. He's the energizer bunny on 'roids,” Josh slumped back on the couch. I rolled my eyes and picked up the grocery bags. Matt started to follow me.

“No, no, no. You get back in that living room! Stay the fuck out of my kitchen,” I stuck my tongue out at Matt.

“I...just wanted something to drink,” he said.

“I will bring it to you,” I nodded my head and walked into the kitchen, setting the bags down. I took two beers from the fridge (Finley was too small to reach into the back) and walked back into the living room. I handed one to Matt, and one to Josh.

“She brought you one with out even you asking? What a good little house wife that isn't a wife!” Matt joked. I lightly punched him in the arm and smirked at him. When I walked away, I could hear Matt faintly say, “Seriously, you need to marry that girl.” I smiled for a brief, and soon forgot that Matt had said that when I started to make dinner.

Little did I know that some devious planning had already started to form.