I Hate Myself Without You

For some reason, Airin and Marque's apartment building always smelled of a fish market and cat pee. Airin blamed it on the crazy old lady on the third floor. She had 6 cats, and you weren't allowed to have pets in the building. That probably killed Marque, because he loved dogs. I loved dogs too, but Josh had cats, and Finley loved the cats. Finley was never fond of dogs. Little dogs he liked, but he didn't like big ones. I walked up a flight of stairs and knocked on the third door on the left. I stood there for a few seconds before the door opened. Chris Baxter's ageing face and salt-and-pepper hair greeted me. He looked surprised. “Oh, Josline! Come on in,” Chris smiled and let me into the apartment. I took off my shoes before briefly hugging him. “How have you been?”

“I've been pretty good. How have you been?” I asked, sitting down on the most uncomfortable couch in the world.

“Well, everything is starting to wear out, fall out and spread out,” Chris said, sitting at the other end of the couch. “Take my advice Josline, take good care of your body. Don't be foolish like me and bash your knees on ice, or injure yourself while on the job. You'll be crippled before you're in your 30's.” He said.

“I'll try to remember that,” I smiled.

“So,” Chris clasped his hands together, “when am I getting another grandchild from you?”

“You know, every time I talk to one of my “parents”, they all ask that same question. But honestly, I don't know Chris. I would LOVE to give you more grandchildren, but right now, it's just not the time to have them,” I told him.

“Well, damn it! I'm not getting any younger here!” Chris laughed. Chris was older than both of my parents. My dad was 43, my mom 45. Chris was 52. I just smiled at him. He then stood up abruptly. “Oh, I have something for you.” He walked over to his suitcase and pulled out a picture frame. He walked back over to the couch and handed it to me. I looked at him and then down at the picture. It was Jazz and I on our graduation day. Jazz's hair didn't have much done to it, because of how short it was at the time. Her dress also matched her hair. She had purple streaks in her naturally brown hair. I remembered the day we did each others hair. I put the purple in hers, she put blond in mine. We both had an arm around each other, and we were making goofy faces at the camera.

“I...wow...thank you,” I said. I really didn't know what to say. “I...I can't imagine how hard this is on you.”

Chris ran a hand through his grey hair, “It's definitely been a challenging thing to get over.” Chris said. “A part of me died with her. She was my only daughter, and my oldest child.” Chris started to get a little choked up. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

“I know how you're feeling,” I said. Chris just nodded. “Jazz had been my best friend when no one else would. I considered her my sister, then she was.” Now it was my turn to get a little emotional. I took in a sharp breath before continuing. “But remember, she will always be here. Not physically, but she will always be here in some way or another.” I said. I took the necklace that was hiding in my shirt out and showed it to Chris. It was a blue glass gem with a silver vine like wire twisting it around it. “See this necklace? Jazz gave it to me for my 16th birthday. I have worn it every day, so she will always be close to my heart.” Chris looked at me.

“Josline, how the hell are you more mature than your age?” He asked me. “Seriously, you are sounding more and more like your mother every day,” Chris smiled. “But that is a really nice way of remembering her.”

I finally left Airin and Marque's apartment and went home. I felt a lot better that I finally had that closure with Chris. I couldn't even imagine how hard it was on him when he found out. No parent should ever have to bury a child. But sometimes, that's just how things worked out.

A few more days passed, and soon it was Halloween. Airin was back from L.A., so him and Duncan were coming with us for trick-or-treating. Zack also wanted to come with us. I didn't know why, but it was hard to understand Zack and his...uniqueness. I really think he just wanted candy for himself.

I did decide to go as a lumberjack. Airin heard of my idea and brought over a plastic axe. I couldn't tell you why he had that, but he did. It was about 12:00 in the afternoon when Airin just walked casually in, like he normally did, followed by Duncan. “Yellow,” he greeted me.

“Hey there,” I said, looking up from my magazine, “What has prompted you to walk into my house this time?” I asked.

“This,” he looked at Duncan and nodded, then Duncan burst out singing Happy Birthday. I couldn't contain my giggles as the little 5 year old in front of me sang off key.

“Happy birthday aunt Jawsy! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!” he extended the last 'you' in the song. Duncan stopped singing and smiled at me. Airin wiped a fake tear from the corner of his eye.

“I'm so proud,” he sniffed. I rolled my eyes at him. I smiled at Duncan.

“Thank you Duncan. That was very sweet of you,” I said. I held my arms open for a hug, and Duncan basically leaped right into the hug. Obviously, Airin had trained him well. Duncan sat next to me on the couch, and soon Finley ran out of his room, sitting next to Duncan.

“Also, Josline, I have this for you,” Airin said, taking a present out from behind his back. It was medium sized and wrapped messily. Airin didn't really know how to wrap presents. That was Marque's department.

“You really didn't have to buy me anything,” I said, leaning forwards a little.

“It's your birthday, of course I have to!” Airin said, shoving the lamely wrapped present into my hands. I laughed a little and ripped off the wrapping. There was a plain cardboard box. I shook the box and a bunch of things shook inside it. I opened the box and inside were small canvases, a new paint set, a box of pencil crayons, and 3 new paintbrushes.

“Oh, thank you Airin! I needed some new art stuff!” I set the box down and gave my brother a quick hug.

“Dollar store for the win!” Airin chirped happily. I laughed at him. He had been buying presents at the dollar store for years.

“I made this for you aunt Jawsy!” Duncan said, handing me a folded up piece of paper. I unfolded it and Duncan smiled widely. “It's a picture of our family!” He said. It was a stick-men drawing of everyone that was in our family. Duncan pointed to everyone individually. “That's me, that's Finley, that's Brandon, that's dad,” he pointed at a stick figure with glasses and brown hair, which was Marque, and then a stick figure with red hair, which was Airin. “And that's daddy!”

“Well, who's this one?” I said, pointing to a blue-haired stick figure.

“That's uncle Josh!” Duncan said it like I should have known. “And that's you!” Duncan pressed his finger against the paper at a stick figure that was smaller than the other adults. I frowned a little. I always was the short one. Duncan pointed out Keith and Josie. Zack, Matt and Eloisa were even on there.

“Well, who's this then?” I asked, pointing to a stick-figure next to Matt's. It had a little yellow ring above its head.

“That's aunty Jazz,” Duncan said. I smiled warmly.

“Oh...thank you Duncan,” I gave him another hug. “I'm so going to frame this!” I said. Duncan's eyes glinted with excitement.

“Well, come on Duncan. We have to go get the last piece of your costume,” Airin said. Duncan jumped off the couch and took Airin's hand. “You're going to love this one Jaws.” He winked at me and left with Duncan. I could only imagine what those two came up with.