I Hate Myself Without You

Zack had popped over at around 4:30. I was just buttoning up Matt's oversized plaid shirt when he came in. He was wearing a red trench coat, a top hat and some black skinny jeans. I had no clue how that worked with his fake leg. But I wasn't going to ask. He told me he was supposed to be Brendon Urie from the I Write Sins, Not Tragedies video. He pulled off the look nicely. Zack was a very attractive guy, and if I were 7 years younger, I would have dated him. But, if he ever decided to marry, Zack would make one girl very lucky one day.

“Oh...no, Josline. That shirt is two times too big,” Zack said. He found a hair elastic and tied Matt's shirt up in a knot in the back.

“Of course it would be. I stole it from Matt,” I explained. Zack rolled his eyes at me.

“Well, that would definitely explain it,” he said. He looked at me once over. “You're such a cute little lumberjack!” he squished my cheeks together.

“And you're annoying,” I said, but it came out as a mumble because of my squished face. Zack laughed and took his hands off my face. Finley came running out of his room with his banana costume on. The ends of it wiggled back and forth. It looked as if it would throw Finley off kilter at any moment.

“Uncle Zack!” he squealed. Finley wrapped his arms around Zack's legs.

“Hey there banana boy,” Zack smiled, “Are you ready for trick-or-treating?”

“Yeah!” Finley excitedly exclaimed.

“This is the first time he's actually gone trick-or-treating,” I said, walking into the kitchen.

“Really? Oh, you poor, deprived child!” Zack said in mock horror. Just then, the door opened, and Zack started laughing. “Oh, my God, Josline. You have to come see this!” I set the pot for the hot dogs on the counter and walked back out into the living room. Airin was there, dressed as a pirate, and Duncan was dressed as Tigger from Whinnie the Pooh. His natural red hair worked well with the costume. I started laughing.

“Okay, now who are you Duncan?” Airin asked his son.

“Uncle Josh!” Duncan squealed. I slapped my hand to my forehead. “They don't call him Tigger for nothing!” I kneeled down in front of Duncan.

“Duncan, you are awesome,” I said, giving my nephew a hug.

“I know!” he chirped.

“Duncan thought it was only fair that he go as Josh, seeing as Finley was being Marque,” Airin explained. “I wanted him to go as a Coke Zero bottle, but I couldn't find anything that would work,” he said.

“Well, it's awesome just the same,” I said. “Oh, does Duncan eat hot dogs? Or does he eat veggie dogs?” I asked, remembering Marque's veganism.

“He eats regular hot dogs. Why?” Airin asked.

“Because I'm making hot dogs for dinner,” I said, going back into the kitchen to retrieve the abandoned pot. When Airin and I were younger, our mom would always make hot dogs for us before we went out trick-or-treating. It was a long standing tradition long after I had moved out as well. Every year, I made hot dogs on my birthday, and that would be the only time I would eat them.

“Oh, my God, I haven't had hot dogs since I interned in Winnipeg,” Airin said. He wasn't really a vegetarian any more. He still ate the soy products, however. He was fond of them.

“I had them last night...” Zack chimed in.

“Hush you,” Airin said. The two kids went and played in Finley's room until I called them into the kitchen to get their hot dogs. Finley was having a hard time sitting down in his costume, so he had to take it off until we had to go. We all ate in the living room; Airin was cutting up his hot dog with his plastic sword, which I didn't understand, but it's Airin. No one understands him. Airin finally gave up and ate his hot dog properly. I got a call from my parents a little while later wishing me happy birthday. Mom had to remind dad that it was my birthday. He tended to forget. He was old, he was forgiven. Well, he wasn't that old, but he sure seemed it. He was born in 1967. Finley called him “ancient”. Dad called himself 19 with 24 years experience. Either way we looked at it, he was still 43.

Finley was trying to get his costume back on, and was refusing to let any one help him. He was stubborn, just like me. I could tell he was going to be a real independent guy when he was older. I was sitting there watching Finley fight with the banana suit when the phone started ringing again. I leaned over slightly, still looking at Finley, and picked up the phone. “Hello?” I said. There was silence for a few seconds before a big chorus of “Happy Birthday” broke out. I started laughing. I could pick out a few voices, but Joshes was most clear. When every one stopped singing, I was still laughing. “That...was awesome.” I said.

“Glad you enjoyed it,” Josh said. Josh explained that MT and TMD were the ones who were singing, because everyone else was busy doing something else, but they all send their birthday wishes. “So how are you?”

“I'm pretty good. I'm watching our son fight with his costume,” I said. Josh chuckled.

“Oh boy. How's that working out?”

“Let's just say, he has developed his mothers patience for things,” I replied.

“Oh God. I have to deal with ANOTHER Josline when I get home?” Josh sounded horrified.

“Yes, and you'll love it,” I said.

“Yeah, I will. No doubting that one.” I smiled lightly.

“So, when are you coming home?” I asked.

“On the...” Josh sounded like he was looking for something. I heard some paper rustle, “seventh.”

“So, I have to wait a week for you? This will never do. I want you to be home right now,” I demanded.

“Well, too bad! I have to do things, so shut up!” Josh laughed.

“Oh, guess what your nephew is for Hallowe'en?”

“Which one?” Josh asked.

“The only one you have,” I said. Josh paused.

“Oh, right! Duncan! What is he?”

“I'll give you a hint, he drinks so much coke zero that he cries delicious, fizzy brown tears,” I said, quoting one of Joshes tweets.

“He's...he's me?” Josh asked.

“Yes sir. Except, he's wearing a Tigger costume, because, you know, they don't call you Tigger for nothing,” I said, leaning back on the couch.

“My family confuses and amazes me at the same time,” Josh said. I laughed.

“So what are you being Josh? Well, what is the band being?” I asked.

“Well, I'm Little Bo Peep, and the guys are my sheep.” I started laughing again.

“Does this mean that I'm missing a chance to see you in a dress?”

“Yes. Yes you are,” Josh said.

“You're going to have to wear that when you get home, because I want to see you in a dress,” I said.

“You are never seeing me in that thing,” Josh said. “I'm burning it as soon as I can.”

“Aww...party pooper,”

“You still love me,” Josh said.

“Occasionally,” I said. Josh started stuttering his words. “Yes, I still love you, you idiot.” Finley, who finally got his costume on, was glaring at me impatiently. “So, I think Finley is going to murder me if we don't go soon, so I'll have to talk to you later.”

“Alright, but why is our son going to murder you?”

“Because he's developed 'the look' that I have,” I explained.

“Oh shit, yeah, you better go. I know that look well,” Josh said. “So, I'll talk to you later.”

“Okay. I miss you,” I said.

“I miss you too.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Finley huffed.

“And I want candy!” He demanded.

“Finley Matthew!” I said sternly. He looked down at the floor.

“Sorry mommy,” Finley said. Josh laughed and said goodbye. I hung up the phone and looked at Finley. His head was still down. “Do I still get to go trick-or-treating?” he asked me.

“Are you going to be good?” I asked him, kneeling down in front of him.

“Yes,” He said.

“Then, yes. You can still go trick-or-treating.” I smiled at Finley. His face lit up, and he wobbled towards the door to get his shoes on. I shook my head at him, then looked over at Airin and Zack. They were both looking at me strangely.

“How can you take him seriously in that?” Zack asked me.

“Finley's decisions and imagination is no longer weird to me. It's normal,” I shrugged. Normal was starting to feel real comfortable.