I Hate Myself Without You

“Come on! Let's go! I want to play!” Zack stomped his feet in front of Eloisa's house. Duncan was grasping tightly onto Marque's hand, obviously not wanting him to go. Finley had his arms wrapped around my legs.

“No! Don't go! Stay home!” Duncan exclaimed. Marque kneeled down in front of his son.

“Look, Duncan, we're only going to be gone for a couple of hours. You'll be asleep by the time we come pick you up. Finley's going to be here, so you wont be alone. Can you just stay with grandma El for a little while?” Marque asked Duncan. Duncan looked at the ground with glassy eyes.

“Okay...” Duncan stalked off, his head hung. He really didn't like spending time away from Marque. Marque had a sad frown on his face. He sighed and got into the van. I looked down at Finley, who was staring up at me. He let go of my legs and I gave him a big hug before getting into the van. Zack said goodbye to his mom and he sat next to me. If we let him, he would have been bouncing off the walls of the van. The entire time we were driving to the venue, Zack kept asking if we were there yet. He reminded me of the dog from Over The Hedge that just wanted to play all the time. And that's exactly what Zack was like. He was just so passionate about performing. I really just wanted to bottle up his energy sometimes. I honestly felt 20 years older than what I was when I was with Zack. But he would join the old geezers club soon enough.

When we pulled up to the place, there were already dozens of people lined up outside. It was only 4:30! We started unloading everything from the van. I looked over at Zack at one point, and he was looking desperately at the waiting fans. A few of them were waving at him. I walked up next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. I almost had to stand on my toes to do that. Zack looked at me. “Go. Go adhere to your adoring fans,” I told him. His eyes lit up and he walked towards the girls that were waving at him. I smiled and shook my head. Zack liked the attention. He never got much because he's the youngest of 7 children. He never spent much time with his dad because he passed away when Zack was only 5 months old. And by the time he was in adolescence, his mom was just too tired to deal with him. We didn't mind letting Zack have the limelight though.

Zack was over there for about 10 minutes before Airin yelled at him. “Oi! Angelo! Get your Italian ass over here and move your shit into the building!” Zack looked back at him in shock. He said goodbye to the girls and jogged over to us. I always found it funny how he jogged. It was rude, because of his leg, but it was still a little funny. Zack walked past me to grab one of his guitars.

“Totally scored the redheads number,” Zack told me as he walked by. I laughed and slapped my forehead. I picked up an amp in my left hand, a guitar case in my right.

“You're not supposed to hook up with the groupies!” I called after him.

“I thought that's what they were for?” Zack called back. That caught me off guard.

“Yeah, I guess you're right! That is what they're for!”

We finished our sound check, so Zack, Marque and Airin went back outside to keep everyone company. I was hanging around in our “green room” with Keith, but Jason was having some problems with our soundboard, so Keith had to go take a look at it. I was reading a book when someone knocked at the door. I looked up to see Josh there. “Oh, hey. What's up?” I asked. I got out of my chair, setting the book down on a table.

“I thought you might like some company,” Josh smiled at me. He motioned me forward. I walked over to him and he wrapped his arms around my waist. “Might I say, you look absolutely ravishing tonight?”

“Ravishing? That's a new one,” I said, wrapping my arms around his neck. We never seemed to get any alone time any more. With one or the other always being gone, I missed actually just being with Josh.

“Well, it's oh-so true. And just think, for the next few months, you're going to have me all to yourself,” Josh pulled me a little closer to him.

“That will be just lovely,” I smiled.

“You know, if I knew we wouldn't get caught, I'd totally do you right here,” Josh told me. I turned beat red. I couldn't help but giggle. Josh placed a hand on my cheek and lightly kissed me. If someone told me when I was 19 that I would be engaged to Josh Ramsay, I would have told them that it was bullshit. I thought that by the time I was 25, I would be a teacher at my old high school, married to John, and have plaid wearing babies. That's what I envisioned for myself. But here I was, 25, engaged to Josh, and had a wonderful son with him. I would have never of guess that I would have a child with Josh. That's what shocked me most about the whole situation.

Josh had somehow managed to back me into a wall while my thought process was going on. I actually forgot for a few seconds that I was at a venue. “I know that we have to go on in a few minutes Josline, but if you and Josh need get some sex in beforehand, I can buy you guys some time. I could go on stage and do a dance or something?” Zack said. My face went an even deeper shade of red then what it was before. Josh looked equally embarrassed. I don't even know why I was embarrassed. I actually felt like a teenager again. I think it was just the feeling of being caught doing something that made me feel that way.

“Sorry...I'll be right there,” I said, still red faced. Zack nodded and walked away. I looked up at Josh.

“You should probably get going,” Josh said. “I don't think Zack is going to stall for us.” I laughed and nodded. I gave him one last quick peck before exiting the room. I caught up to where Zack was, and he just cheekily grinned at me. I shot him a glare before we took our first steps onto the stage. As soon as we got into view of the crowd, the loud cheering began. We all got our things together. Airin got behind his kit, Marque got his bass, and the rest of us picked up our guitars. Zack leaned over in close to me to ask what was first. He never looked at the set list. I told him what it was and the song started.

I feel this isn't going to work out
But I can't seem to find a care
But listen up, I came to get down
this chemistry is catastrophe
but it feels so fucking right!

I'm a mess, so forgive me if I stutter.
I'll give you a reason to come home tonight
You're such a scene stealer
and baby you're just my type

You're giving me a fever of 110.
But there you go, walking so sexual.
But I'm afraid that I
can't get you to stay.

I'm a mess, so forgive me if I stutter.
I'll give you a reason to come home tonight
You're such a scene stealer
and baby you're just my type

If I can't get this thing right,
I'm going to need one last excuse.
Just come home, I swear I do it right.
I'm so sick and tired,
of this going 'round and 'round.

I'm a mess, so forgive me if I stutter.
I'll give you a reason to come home tonight
You're such a scene stealer
and baby you're just my type.

The last few chords rung and applause broke out. I stood there highly satisfied. “It's fucking good to be back!”