I Hate Myself Without You

A few days had gone by. Finley was feeling much better, so he demanded that he spend time with Uncle Matt. Matt automatically said yes to that request, because he hadn't seen Finley in so long. That left Josh and I with some alone time. We honestly had no clue what to do with “alone time”. Josh suggested that we go out to dinner. I was in the bathroom doing my hair when Josh walked by the door. He backed up and paused at the door. “Wow.”

“What?” I looked away from the mirror, my straightener in my hand. Josh stared for a few seconds. “Is something wrong? Do I look okay?” I suddenly became insecure.

“Yeah...yeah, you look fine. More than fine. You look great,” Josh said. “You look very classy.”

“Thank you,” I smiled at him, turning off the straightener.

“You don't wear your glasses very often do you?” Josh asked.

“Usually only when I'm sick or I'm just too lazy to put my contacts in,” I said. Josh stepped into the bathroom. He wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed the top of my head.

“You look gorgeous either way,” Josh smiled and I blushed. “Aww, aren't we a cute couple?” Josh said. I looked in the mirror at the two of us. I was so short in comparison to Josh. He was clearly a foot taller than me. I always was a little embarrassed about my height, and since I was always around tall people, it never helped. If I could change one thing about myself, it would have been my height. Some people still mistook me for a high schooler. I started wearing high heels when ED formed, because I was absolutely tired of being shorter than everyone around me. Over time, I had accepted the fact I was short, but I still hated it.

“Yes we are,” I smiled at Josh, turning to him. I fixed his crooked red tie and smoothed down the front of his dress shirt. “Now, how about this cute couple gets some dinner?”

Josh was said that he was going to take me to a restaurant that we always walked by, but never actually went to. It was a pretty unpopular place, but Marque and Airin had been there once, and they said it was terrific. I was really hoping for a night with Josh that was quiet. It was hard to get any sort of quiet time with him. That was a really hard thing to get used to. Don't get me wrong, I loved the fans to death, but I found it rather annoying when they would come up to the table when I was eating, even if I wasn't with Josh. I never turned any one away, but sometimes, I really just needed my time to get away and breathe for a few moments. It was harder with Josh because he was definitely popular among teenage girls, and sometimes, they just didn't know the meaning of personal space. I was a teenager once, I knew all about that. When I met one of my favourite guitarists when I was 14, I was so overwhelmed and I just wanted to talk to them. I didn't realize then that it might actually be annoying to people. But it was something that came with the territory.

“I can't believe we haven't come here before,” I said, sitting down in my chair. Josh sat down across from me.

“I know. It's actually really nice,” Josh commented. Our waiter showed up a few second later and took our drink orders. I don't have to tell you what Josh ordered, but I got an iced tea. When the waiter left, Josh smirked at me. “Well, aren't we a couple of drunkards here.”

I rolled my eyes and opened up my menu. “I think we've forgotten how to be our age.” I said.

“How is that?”

“Wouldn't most 25 and 26 year olds order beer and wine on dates?” I said. “And here we are, with our cokes and iced tea.” Josh looked at me periodically, and then down at his menu.

“Oh God...we've turned into our parents,” Josh gasped, horrified. I laughed at his expression.

“Unleash me shoes!” I yelled from the front door of the house. Josh was standing behind me, suppressing his giggles. “Why did I even buy these?” I complained. The zipper always got stuck on the left shoe, making them impossible to get off. I huffed, stood up straight and put my hands on my hips. I turned my head around to look at Josh. “Stop laughing. It's not funny.”

“It's a little funny,” Josh said innocently with a childish smile spread across his face. “Do you need some help with those?” he asked.

“Yeah...” I said, my head bowed. Josh took his own shoes off and told me to sit on the little bench we had in the front hallway. It only took Josh a few seconds to unzip my shoes for me.

“There, was that so hard?” Josh smirked. I rolled my eyes at him.

“Yes, it was.” I said stubbornly. Josh shook his head and wandered to the living room. I stood up and followed him. We both sat down on the couch, I brought my legs up and curled them under myself. I leaned against Josh, resting my head on his shoulder. “Well, that was a lovely dinner.”

“It really was. You know, I kind of forgot what it was like to go on a date,” Josh said.

“I kind of forgot what it was like to have alone time with you,” I added.

“Yeah, it's definitely been a long time since we've been Finley-less for a night. The house is really too quiet without the little bugger,” Josh laughed. I smiled.

I sat up straight on the couch and smoothed out my skirt, which had crinkled up when I sat down. “Do you want anything?” I asked, starting to stand up. Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me back down onto the couch. He nuzzled his face in my neck.

“I want you,” he said. I giggled at him. Josh stood and pulled me up with him, tugging me towards the bedroom.

A few weeks had gone by. ED had finished recording the album, and it was nearing Christmas. Shopping had become hectic. There were so many people I had to buy for, that it was just becoming stressful to the point of hair tearing.

I walked into the kitchen, Josh was making himself some lunch, with a handful of Christmas cards that had come in the mail. “Josh, have you asked your parents what the plans are for Christmas?” I asked him. Josh looked up from the cutting board, a confused look on his face.

“No...I thought your parents were coming here?” Josh said.

“They can't come up here! My dad just had knee surgery!” I exclaimed.

“Ah, Jon's a trooper. He could manage,” Josh said. I looked at him with a stern look.

“I don't want him to end up slipping and falling. He'll hurt himself!” I said, throwing my arms up and keeping a firm grip on the cards. Josh bit his bottom lip. I walked up to him and pressed the cards into his chest. “Call your parents.” I turned around and walked into the living room. The phone started ringing as soon as I sat myself down on the couch. I sighed, flinging myself over to the other side of the couch and answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello dear. How are you?” My moms voice filled my head.

“Oh, hi mum. I'm fine, how are you?” I asked her. Half of my body was hanging off the couch, and I was dangerously close to falling off.

“I'm doing wonderfully. How's my darling grandson doing?” Mom asked.

“Finley's great. He really likes that Lego set you sent him for his birthday,” I said, placing one hand on the floor to prevent me from falling off the couch.

“Oh, that's good! Dad and I didn't know if he would like the Pirate or the Star Wars one better. We asked Josh and he said the Pirate one,” mom explained.

“Yeah, but I think Matt, Zack and Josh had more fun with it than Finley. They started building a pirate ship and crew members as soon as it was opened. Finley destroyed it as soon as everyone left though,” I said. Mom chuckled and then became suddenly silent.

“So, what are you Christmas plans? Are you staying up there, or...” Mom trailed off.

“Or what mum?” I asked.

“Well, you know, you haven't been down here for Christmas since Finley was 2, and Airin and Marque are coming down here...” Mom was guilt-tripping me, and she was damn good at it.

“Mom, don't do this.” I groaned. “I will come through this phone and punch you.”

“I'm just saying dear. You haven't been here for the Holidays in three years. And we can't come up there like originally planned,” Mom stated.

“Mum...” I whined. Josh came into the living room with a sandwich in his hands.

“What's going on?” he asked.

“Mum wants us to come down for Christmas because Marque and Airin are going to be there, and we haven't been there for Christmas since Finley was two,” I explained. I then promptly rolled off the couch trying to sit up. “Oh, God dammit!” I exclaimed.

“Josline? What did you do?” Mom asked.

“I rolled off the couch mum. Not that big of a deal,” I said, getting up onto the couch.

“Oh. Okay,” mom breathed. “So, are you going to come home?” I sighed.

“I don't know. Can I call you back when we ask Joshes parents if they had anything planned?” I asked her.

“Yes, that's okay,” Mom said.

“Alright. Tell dad I love him,” I said, saying goodbye to her. I pressed end on the phone and leaned against the back of the couch. I looked over at Josh, who had his sandwich in his mouth. I handed the phone over to Josh. “Call your parents.”

A little while later Josh popped his head into the office. He knocked lightly on the door frame. I spun around in my chair, abandoning the e-mail I was writing. “What is it?” I asked.

“Do you want to go home for Christmas?” Josh smiled at me. I smiled back.

Maybe going back home was just what I needed.