I Hate Myself Without You

“Finley, can you please get in the car?” Josh exasperatedly said to our 5 year-old.

“No!” he yelled back at Josh from the porch.

“Finley Matthew!” Josh stomped his foot.

“NO!” Finley pouted, grasping onto the rail to the staircase. Josh pinched the bridge of his nose, and then turned around, looking at me. He had a desperate look on his face. Finley really did not like travelling and being away from home.

“Finley,” I started, walking up next to Josh, “don't make me use your full name.” Finley saw the seriousness on my face, but still did not move from his spot. “Alright, you asked for it. Finley Matthew Ram...”

“I'M SORRY MOMMY!” Finley screamed, running down the steps and hugging my legs. I couldn't help but laugh.

“It's alright Finley. But you should apologize to your dad for being a little wiener,” I said. Finley looked up at me, then over at Josh. Finley let go of my legs and moved over to Josh, his head bowed.

“I'm sorry daddy,” Finley said. Josh picked Finley up and “zerberted” his cheek. I smiled and shook my head at the two. I got on the drivers side of the car. Josh and I rock-paper-scissored to see who had to drive first. Needless to say, Josh won because he knows I always choose paper (because Airin always chooses rock, so I got used to that). Josh put Finley in his car seat and got in the passengers side. I had to move my seat forwards to the point where I was almost pressed up against the steering wheel. I had a long torso, but short stubby legs. I curse my mother for being short.

I put the keys in the ignition, but paused before turning them. “Did I forget my pills?” I asked Josh. He knew which ones I was talking about, my anti-depressants.

“Yes. You grabbed them. You put them in your bag. I saw you do it,” Josh said, pulling his seat belt across him.

“Okay. I've just been forgetting everything lately,” I said.

“Well, hopefully you didn't forget how to drive,” Josh snickered. I rolled my eyes at him and turned the keys.

Josh and I switched over driving duties when we got to Oliver. There were still about 4 hours left after that. Josh and I had been playing the “licence plate game” where you take the letters of a licence plate and make weird phrases out of them. We also gave each other challenges that we had to do. Josh had to find a giant ice cream cone, something referencing Harry Potter (could be a name of a character or a place) and Edward Cullen. I had to find sea creatures, a live ungulate (some kind of hoofed animal) and a giant wrench. This was a game I would always play with Jazz and Marque when we would travel. Then it morphed into a thing the band would do. Now I play the games with whoever is in the car. We gave Finley simple challenges like find 3 birds, or find a large rock. He was mostly passed out the entire drive.

I filled with excitement when I saw the “Welcome to Salmo” sign. We had to fill up the car, we were really pushing the limit of it, so we stopped at the gas station. The Esso and the Subway were connected with one another. So many memories of walking to Subway and Esso when I was in high school flooded into my head. As much as I hated Salmo growing up, I always loved coming back to it.

Josh said he was going to fill up the car, so I went in to Esso to get some coffee and snacks for us (even though the Esso was only about 5 minutes from my parents house). I was browsing through the giant rice puff bars and danishes. I felt like someone was staring at me. I looked around and spotted someone. “It is you!” They said. I looked at them for a while longer before cluing into who it was.

“Oh, my God. Doug!” I exclaimed. Doug was one of my good friends from high school. I lost touch with him after I moved to Kelowna. I walked up to him and gave him a hug.

“What are you doing back here?” He asked me, once I had let go of him.

“I'm here for Christmas,” I explained.

“Oh, me too!” Doug smiled. “I moved back to Sarnia after grad. So what have you been up to? I know you're doing the music thing, but what else? I haven't talk to you in so long!”

“Well, I got engaged in September,” I said.

“Did you really? Well congratulations!” Doug hugged me again. “Who's the lucky guy?” Just then, the bell jingled above the door. I looked over, and Finley was dragging Josh. Finley spotted me and started pulling Josh over to where Doug and I were standing. Doug just stared at Josh, and then back at me.

“Finley was getting a little antsy,” Josh said when he was next to us. I bent down and picked Finley up. He took one look at Doug and buried his face in in my neck.

“You two...” Doug pointed back and forth between us. I nodded. “No way.” I laughed at Doug's shocked facial expression.

“Josh, this is Doug. We were really good friends in high school,” I said. Josh smiled and shook Doug's hand.

“Nice to meet you,” Josh said. Doug smiled and looked at Finley, who was peeking out of his hair at him.

“And who's this?” Finely turned his head away from Doug.

“Oh, this is Finley, our son. He's really shy around new people,” I said. “Finley, say hi to Doug.” Finley lifted his head up and looked at Doug again. Doug smiled at him before Finley buried his head in my neck again. “He's not usually this shy though.”

“Ah, that's okay. Kids don't really like me that much anyways,” Doug said. We soon said goodbye to one another and got our things. As soon as we got over the bridge that would take us to my parents house, my legs started bouncing in excitement. Josh laughed at how excited I actually was. I sent my mom a quick little text saying that we just passed the bridge.

We pulled into the driveway and Josh killed the engine. I unbuckled myself and swung open the door. The front door soon opened, revealing my mom. She ran over to the car and nearly tackled me in a hug. “Welcome home,” she said. And at that very moment, I felt like everything was right.

Christmas came fast. Finley woke up extremely early on Christmas morning and started running around the house screaming “Wake up! Wake up!” Dad was the first up. He had been up since about 5:30 watching TV. I drug myself out of bed at around 7:00, my hair in a matted mess. Mom was in the kitchen making breakfast (pancakes, bacon, eggs and hash browns). I walked up to her and looked at what she was doing. “Mm...smells delicious. Do you need any help?”

“No, I'm fine dear,” Mom smiled at me, stirring around the hash browns. I nodded and got myself a glass of apple juice. Josh appeared in the living room a few minutes later.

“I smell food,” was the first thing he said. I heard mom chuckle.

“It will be ready in a few minutes Josh,” mom said. Josh made a victorious hand motion.

“When do I get to open my presents?” Finley asked.

“Not until after breakfast,” dad told him. Finley pouted. “Hey now, don't let grandmum catch you doing that, or she wont let you open them!” Finley gasped and clasped his hand over his mouth. I leaned over to my dad, who was sitting in his recliner.

“Good one,” I said. Dad shrugged.

“You kids used to do that, so we wouldn't let you open your presents until you stopped pouting,” dad explained.

“Did we?” I questioned.

“Oh yes. We finally gave up when you guys were about 6 and 7 though. Airin would just sit in front of the tree until we said that he could open his presents.” Dad said.

“He still does that,” Josh chimed in. Dad slapped his forehead and laughed.

“My children are so weird,” he said.

Dinner finally rolled around, and Airin, Marque, Duncan, Chris and Sam all came over to the house. Duncan and Finley sat in between Josh and Marque on one side of the table. We were all eating and talking about what has been going on lately. “Can I just say something?” I spoke up. Everyone stopped what they were talking about. “I just wanted to say thank you. For everything each and every one of you has ever done. I really don't know where I would be right now if it weren't for you.” I said. “It's definitely been a rough couple of years for all of us. But I know that we're always going to be there for one another, no matter what.”

And we would be.