I Hate Myself Without You

“Josh, what did you just say?” Josline looked completely shocked. It took a few seconds for my brain to realize what I had just blurted out.

“N-nothing,” I stuttered. “Just forget that I said anything, okay?”

“No, you just said 'marry me'. Did you mean it?” She asked me. She backed me right into a corner with that one. I struggled for my words.

“No, I didn't,” I said. Josline looked disappointed. “No, wait, I did! Oh fuck, I don't know!” I got off of Josline and sat against the back of the couch. Josline sat up and crossed her legs underneath her. Did I mean it? Sure, I loved Josline more than anything, but did I mean it when I said 'marry me?'

“You don't know?” Josline repeated. I pressed both of my palms against my face.

“No, I don't know,” I said.

“Well, are you ever going to know? Josh, I love you, but I can't be stuck in a relationship knowing that it's never going to go anywhere.” Josline said. I looked over at her.

“What are you saying? You don't want to be together anymore?” My heart stopped periodically.

“No, I'm not saying that,” my heart started beating again. “I just want to know that I'll have something to look forward to.”

I knew that I loved Josline. She was the most important person in my life. I couldn't believe that I couldn't bring myself to propose to her. Maybe it was because we were too settled into our careers; or maybe we were too young. Who was I kidding? We had Finley at a young age. I didn't want to think it was because I didn't want to marry her. I tried to find something, anything, that would tell me I wanted to marry her.

“Josh?” Josline broke me out of my thought.

“Yes.” I said, looking up at her.

“Yes what?”

“Yes, you will have something to look forward to.” I said. If only I could believing in myself that it was true.

I knew the next morning I had to go talk to someone. I just told Josline that I was going to go see Matt for a little while. I needed to talk to someone who knew Josline almost inside out; what all of her secret thoughts were. I walked down the street to a large apartment complex. Luckily I only had to go up two flights of stairs (the elevator was broken). I knocked on the door to one apartment and started to tap my foot. The locks on the door clicked and the door swung open.

“Josh? Hey, what are you doing here?” Airin asked me.

“I really had to talk to you,” I said. Airin could see there was something wrong, so he let me in. I noticed the children's toys laying all around the apartment. Marque and Airin adopted a two year old two years before. Marque actually rescued him from an abusive home and took the parents of Duncan to court. Marque won that case and got full custody of Duncan. It really made all of us proud that he would step out of his way to do that.

Airin told me to sit down on the couch and I did. “Now, what's up?” Airin asked, moving a colouring book off a recliner.

“Well, Josline and I got back from visiting your parents last night. We put Finley to bed and had a few beers, and you, well... you know.” I wasn't exactly comfortable talking to Josline's brother about what me and his sister did in bed.

“I don't know.” Airin said. I sighed.

“Okay, we started making out,” I stopped myself. “God, that's an ugly term. Anyways, I ended up blurting out 'marry me'.” Airin looked shocked.

“What did she say? Do you really mean it?” Airin asked.

“That's what I came here to talk to you about! I don't know if I did or not.” I ran my hands through my hair and leaned back against Airins couch.

“Okay, I'll help you figure this out. Do you love Josline?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Do you love Finley?”

“Yes.” I wasn't sure about Airin's technique of helping.

“Have you ever thought of leaving Josline after she had Finley?”

“No, never.”

“Did you ever think she was over-weight after she had Finley.”

“No.”

“Do you want to marry her?” Airin looked dead serious.

“I don't know!” I sighed, frustrated. Airin scratched his head.

“How many girlfriends have you had?” He asked.

“I don't know...5?”

“Including or excluding Josline?”

“Including.”

“Okay, I'm going to try something different here.” Airin said. “Did you ever see yourself being with your first girlfriend the rest of your life?” He asked.

“No,” I said.

“Second?”

“No.”

“Third?”

“No.” by then, I was beginning to think this wasn't going to help at all.

“Fourth?”

“No.”

“Fifth?”

I took a long pause, “Yeah, I do.”

“Who was your fifth girlfriend?” Airin asked.

“Josline,” I thought for a long while, then looked over at Airin. “Hey Airin...do I have your permission to marry your sister?” Airin's entire face lit up.

“Are you serious?” Airin stood up. I also stood up.

“Dead serious.” Airin walked over to me and hugged me.

“You know, if we were a TV show, the entire audience would be cheering,” he said. “And you'd be married in a series of four episodes. After some sort of long-awaited drama of course." I held him out at arms length and gave him a weird look. “You're right, ruining the moment. I'll shut up.”