I Hate Myself Without You

We finally finished the recording for the day and I finally made it home around 2 in the morning. Zack drove me home, since he only lived two houses down from me. The entire band, except for Keith all lived really close to one another. Airin and Marque lived a block away, and Zack lived two houses down (he still lived with his mom, which I thought was cute). Keith lived near the UBC, which was at least a half an hour away from the rest of us. I thanked Zack and got out of the car. He drove up a few feet and drove into his driveway. He called goodnight to me, and I did the same. I unlocked the door and walked inside. Josh was passed out on the couch with the TV remote in his hand. I chuckled quietly and closed the door and locking it. I quietly took off my shoes and tried to creep past the living room but I stepped on one of Finley's toy cars. I swore loudly and hopped up and down on one foot. “Stupid, stupid car...” I muttered.

“Josline?” a sleepy Josh asked. I looked over at the couch and Josh was sitting up. “What did you do?”

“I stepped on one of Finley's cars. You know he's supposed to clean up his toys before he goes to bed.” I said, walking over to the couch.

“He did,” Josh said. I gave him a confused look. “Matt was over earlier, and we took them out to have toy car derby down the hallway.” I covered my mouth to prevent my loud laughter. “That one was Matt's car! I put mine away!” Josh said defensively.

“You are such a child,” I said.

“Hey, if I have to be around one all day, I should be allowed to act like one,” Josh smirked.

“Well, do you want to be a good boyfriend and rub your girlfriend's feet?” I asked, swinging my legs over his.

“Oh, I suppose so,” Josh smiled. He took the foot that stepped on the car and started to rub it.

“Mm, thank you,” I leaned against the arm of the couch and let him rub my foot.

“Do you want a back massage after?” Josh asked.

“I would love one, but you always know what that leads to,” I nodded my head towards Finley's bedroom.

“It might not happen this time...” Josh said.

“That's what you said the last two times I got pregnant,” I said. Josh frowned at me. “Besides, I have to get up early tomorrow. More recording to do,” I said. Josh stopped rubbing my one foot and moved onto the next one.

“Stupid damn conflicting schedules,” Josh grumbled.

“Hey, you're going on tour in a month! I wont see you for almost two months,” I said. Josh nodded in agreement. “Oh, and ED has a few interviews and a photo shoot the same day as your Toronto show. One at some radio station and the other at Much Music. We already pre-ordered our tickets.”

“I could probably get you guys backstage access. Hey, do you want to do merch that night?” Josh asked. “We're probably going to need some help with set up and take down too. Oh, just be part of the crew!” Josh sounded too excited. I laughed a little.

“Josh, honey, I would love to be part of the crew, but we have to start planning our tour, and we have a video shoot coming up. Ellaries is filming a PSA for gay rights, Keith has to start filming a movie this winter. We just don't have time to be part of the crew.” Josh frowned. I sat upright and pulled him forward. Our noses touched,”But we will be there in Toronto.”

Josh brushed his lips against mine. “That's all I'm asking of you.”

Marque had come over a few days later with Duncan. Duncan was one of the cutest kids I had ever seen. He was about the same size as Finley, and Duncan had fiery red hair and bright green eyes. In a way, he actually looked like Airin.

Finley and Duncan were running around outside in the backyard playing “Monsters” (a game they may, or may not of invented). Duncan was a zombie and Finley was Frankenstein's Monster. Marque and I sat on the grass on a picnic blanket watching our kids run around.

“Remember when that was us?” Marque asked, peering at me through his blue RayBan sunglasses. I looked over at him, pushing my regular glasses up my nose.

“That was us two days ago,” I said. Marque looked back at the kids.

“Heh...oh yeah,” Marque chuckled.

“It's really strange how we both have kids now,” I said.

“It is. And you never wanted kids to begin with,” Marque stated. “But you are a really great mom.”

“Thank you. You're a really great dad,” I smiled at Marque, and he smiled back. “What does Duncan call you and Airin?” I asked when Duncan and Finley changed monsters (Finley was now Dracula and Duncan was the creature from the black “spoon”. No one wanted to correct him, it was too cute).

“He calls Airin daddy and me dad,” Marque said. “Someone at his daycare asked him what his parents names were. He told them, and they said, “Oh, is Airin your mom?” Duncan said, 'No, he's my daddy!' So she said, 'But Marque's your daddy.' Duncan actually got pissy with her and practically yelled, “He's my DAD! Not my DADDY!”It was really cute when the woman told me about that.”

“That is cute,”I said. Both Finley and Duncan ran over to us.

“We're hungry!” They both said.

“Well, what do you want? Do you want a sandwich?” Marque asked the two of them. They both shook their heads. “What do you want?”

Finley threw on his best “vampire” accent (dad had been teaching how to do accents when we were in Salmo). “I vant blood!” Finley said, making Marque and I laugh.

“And I want brains!” Duncan said.

“But, I thought you were the black spoon creature?” Marque asked.

“I went back to zombie. I don't want to eat mud and grass,” Duncan made a sour face. I leaned over to Marque.

“Would he eat leftover pasta if I mashed it up to look like brain matter?” I whispered.

“Oh, probably,” Marque laughed.

“Alright, now, if you two monsters come with me, I shall get you your food,” I said. I stood up and the two boys followed me inside while Marque folded up the blanket. I sat the two kids on the counter. I got a V8 out from the fridge and put it in a glass for Finley. I mashed up some of the left over pasta in a bowl and asked if Duncan wanted it heated up or not. He wanted it cold. I gave the boys their “blood” and “brains” and they sat down at the kitchen table. Marque walked in and asked me where to put the blanket. I said to just toss it down the basement stairs and I'd get it later. He tossed it down the stairs and put his glasses on the top of his head. “Do you want a beer or something?” I asked.

“No, I'm good,” Marque said. “Do you have any orange juice?” he asked. I shook my head.

“I still need to go grocery shopping,” I said. The front door opened and Josh walked through.

“Hey Marque,”Josh greeted. Marque gave a “'sup” wave. Josh walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss. “Hey baby.” He then turned to the two boys and walked over to them. He kissed the top of Finley's head. “Hey boys, what're you eating?”

“Blood!” Finley squealed.

“Brains!” Duncan chorused. Josh looked at me.

“What the hell are you feeding these kids?” he asked. I laughed.

“V8 and mushed pasta,” I said. “Do you really think I would give them real blood and brains?”

“No...I guess not,” Josh shrugged.

“So, what were you up to today?” I asked Josh.

“Just went to visit Andrew and his girlfriend,” Josh said, getting a beer from the fridge.

“You visited them for 4 hours?” I questioned.

“Okay, I was working the streets. Music isn't the only thing this pretty face knows how to do,” Josh said cheekily.

“Ain't that the truth,” I said absentmindedly. Marque and Josh looked at me weird. “What? I got Finley because of his many talent's.” Josh looked slightly embarrassed, but highly complimented. Marque just smiled. He took his cellphone out of his pocket and checked the time.

“Well, we better get going. Duncan has a doctors appointment in a few minutes. Okay, Duncan, you have to say good bye to Finley and Aunt Jaws and Uncle Josh,” Marque said. Duncan slid off the seat and handed me the bowl of finished pasta. He said goodbye to Finley and gave me and Josh a hug. Marque said goodbye and left the house with Duncan. I leaned against the counter and peered at Josh.

“So, what were you really doing?” I asked.

“I told you, I was working the streets,” Josh said.

“Josh, don't lie. What were you doing that you had to be out of the house for four hours,” I folded my arms across my chest.

“I really can't tell you...” he said. He shoved his hand in his jeans pocket.

“And why not?” I said stubbornly.

“Finley, can you go play in your room please?” Josh asked our four year old. Finley got up from the chair and left the kitchen.

“Josh, what were you doing?” I asked again for the third time.

“I told you, I can't tell you.” Josh said.

“Why can't you tell me? We're not supposed to have secrets from one another. Do you remember what happened the last time you kept things from me? We wound up not talking for four years,” I said hotly. Josh looked offended. He was still very sensitive about lying to me about his heroine addiction. My face softened. “Josh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up,” I said, walking over to him and wrapping my arms around him. He wrapped his around me.

“It's okay Josline,” he whispered. “But you have to believe me when I say I can't tell you why I was gone so long. You have to trust me.”

“But...” Josh cut me off.

“Shh...just trust me,” I looked up at him and smiled.

“Okay, I trust you.”