All They Know Is Misery

“Sean?” I called through the house, and waited for my younger brother to answer. “SEAN.” I yelled once more to the partially empty house. Our parents, were once again, gone on a business trip for a month. They were, what I like to call, workaholics. Their lives revolve around work, not their children. From what I guess, my brother and I were mistakes. From when I was a baby until I could stay home by myself and take care of my little brother, Sean, we had nannies, babysitters, daycares, whatever you wanted to call it; our parents didn’t take care of us.

When Sean never answered I decided to go look for him. I checked the kitchen for a note that he went to his friend’s house or something, there was nothing. So I went up the stairs to his room, right next to mine. I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. One never came.

“Sean?” I asked but it soon became a gasp as I saw my little brother’s body on the floor, dad’s hand gun in his palm, and his head bleeding. I rushed over to him and tried to find his pulse, but there was none. I grabbed him, hugged him to my chest, not caring about the crimson blood that was getting on my light blue t-shirt. I cried for a few seconds before I saw the note by his body. I wiped my eyes so I could read the note.

Dear Bee,

I’m sorry I’ve done this to you. I just couldn’t take it. Our parents have never been there for us, they’ll never miss me anyways. The only reason I’m even leaving a note is for you, my beautiful older sister.

I wish things didn’t end up this way, but things were just getting too hard for me, I wanted it all to end. So I made them all end.

Never blame yourself for what I did, it never was you. Only our parents, if you can even call them that. I was tired of them pushing me to be advanced, be amazing, be great, all the things I never will be…or would have been. I just wish they could have loved me for who I am, not who they wanted me to be.

I’m really sorry. The only thing I’m going to miss in this world is you. You were amazing to me, the only one who was. So thank you.

With lots of Love,
Sean.

I couldn’t believe it. My brother took his own life. And because of me. How could I have been so blind?! I should have known he was hurting. I should have helped him. Only if I gave him more love when he needed it the most, maybe I could have prevented this from happening. My heart broke, right there on the floor of my brother’s room, his dead body in my arms.

I sat there, bawling, holding the letter as close to me as I could. It was the last words that would ever leave him. It felt like the end of my world, and it possibly was.

My parents were half way across the globe, so I called the best person for me. I listened as the phone rang, trying to stop my bawling so he could understand me. I was still gasping for breath when Johnny picked up on the third ring. “Hey Bee!” He sounded happy, but then heard my hysterics. “Pheobe? Are you okay?!” He was instantly concerned.

“N-o.” Was all I could answer before I was in hysterics, again.

“What happened? Do you want me to come over?” He asked, staying calm.

“Y-Yeah. P-Please.”

“Alright I’ll b-”

But I cut him off. “I-It’s my entire fault! MY ENTIRE FUCKIN’ FAULT!” I screamed, more at myself then to Johnny. I went back to bawling, tears down my face.

“I’m coming over. Stay right there.” He said and hung up the phone. I dropped the phone to the ground, not bothering to close it or even hang up. I hugged my brother closer to me, if that was even possible. I looked down at him and wiped the brown hair off his face, wishing to see those crystal blue eyes open once more.

I must have stared at his face, wishing for things that would never happen, longer then I thought. “Bee? Pheobe?!” Johnny called before I saw his face appear in the doorway. His mowhawk was flattened. It must have been raining outside. He gasped when he saw the scene in front of him. I burst into tears once again, after momentarily stopping to notice Johnny. He took two big steps to me; he gently took my brother off my chest and put him next to us.

He kneeled down in front of me; I looked up at him, still letting tears run down my face, my throat hurt from crying so much. I handed him the note Sean had left. I watched his face for a second as he skimmed over it. I looked besides us to my brother then back to Johnny, not wanting to look at his dead body for too long.

“Oh Pheobe.” He whispered. I looked into his chocolate brown eyes; they had tears in them that never flowed. He grabbed my blood soaked body and hugged me to his chest. I grabbed his shirt and cried harder then before. Johnny stroked my hair, comforting me just a little bit, but not enough to get me to stop crying. I just couldn’t believe I lost my little brother. And it was my fault.

I sat in my bed, 4 in the morning, thinking about it; about my brother’s suicide.

I didn’t communicate with my friends until a month after. I was afraid I would cause them to commit suicide also; I still am scared of that, but they convinced me that they would never do that because of me. They also tried to convince me that Sean didn’t leave this world because of me, ‘it was in the letter’ they would always say, but I knew better.

I watched the minutes pass by on my clock. I thought about what a pain today would be. I thought about how happy other people are and why my brother couldn’t have been that happy. And the answer was downstairs, about to leave on their first business trip, two months after the suicide. 5:05 finally came up on my clock. A few seconds later, the buzzer went off. I slammed my hand down on it and pulled myself out of bed, as much as I didn’t want to.

I looked in the bathroom mirror and saw what I’ve become in the last two months. My eyes were blood shot from the lack of sleep I got last night, too many things taking over my mind. I was pale from thinking about the past and the lack of energy I’ve had. I ran a brush through my black hair and put a ring of eye liner around my eyes to hopefully take away the look of the bags under my eyes. It didn’t work.

“PHEOBE.” I sighed as I met my parents downstairs. They were leaving for yet another business trip. Just two months after their baby boy died. Yet, I don’t think they cared. My mom only cried a little when she came back, two days after I found Sean, and mostly at the funeral. My dad didn’t cry at all. They were sick people.

My mom was rushing around the kitchen, mumbling that they were gonna miss their flight. “Oh, you can feed yourself, right?” She asked, before continuing to run around, not waiting for an answer.

“Have for years, mother.” I replied in a cold tone, not that she heard me.

“Bye, sweets. Your dad says bye too.” She kissed my check with her bright red lips. My father was already in the car, not even bothering with me. With that, she walked out the door and into the car. I didn’t stay to wave goodbye or any of that happy family crap, never did.

---

I walked to school, fighting the urge to go back home every second. It was the first year of my junior year. Charlotte was a senior already, but Johnny was still a junior with me. I got Charlie’s text asking if I wanted a ride, I just ignored it, knowing she would figure out I wouldn’t need one. I wasn’t trying to be rude; I was just saving my energy for when I got to school.

I was at my locker when I heard, “Hey Pheobe.” I turned to see Johnny smiling at me.

I wanted to smile back, but I couldn’t. I was just too tired to do so. “Hey.” I said to him, sounding lifeless even to myself. I must look and sound like shit.

“Are you okay?” Charlie asked me, caring look in her eyes.

“Fine.” I replied.

“Two syllables already, I feel so special.” She said sarcastically. Before I could say anything the bell rang, so I just rolled my eyes at her as she walked away to her own locker, a smirk on her face knowing she got away this time. I grabbed my stuff and shut the locker. I looked up to see Johnny watching me. We had the same homeroom teacher. I smiled sadly up at him. Then we walked side by side to our classroom.

“Gooooood morning, everyone!” Our teacher bellowed as soon as Johnny and I found seats together. I grimaced at his happiness, partly wishing I could feel that again.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Johnny asked me, looking at me skeptically and with concern. I hated how everyone was so concerned for me; they should be more concerned for themselves. I’m the one who might lead them to suicide; I’m just that type of person. Hell, I practically killed my brother. In my book, I did kill him.

I sighed, finally answering Johnny’s question. “As I’ll ever be.”