His Personal (Lover) Assistant

All of the sudden, I was that person. That person who had no faith in love, or destiny, who was bitter to no end. Who gave up because he couldn’t get what he wanted. I was that person. The pain in my heart was so real, so intrusive, that I fell to my knees, and closed my eyes tightly.

“You-“ I choked out. “You are something so, so…difficult to me.” And he stared back blankly at me, confusion racing through his pretty caramel eyes, his breath slowing down, as he slowly realized that we were no longer fighting.

We were just two broken, lost people, in a hallway of a shit-ass apartment, trying to figure the other out.

It seemed so simple. Yet so fragmented. “You want it,” I whispered out. “But you don’t. Because you’re afraid that you’ll make it all over Perez Hilton’s blog, the hot topic of the month all because you’re a normal person – a normal human being.
“And fucking hell, you know I want it. But you just keep…distancing yourself every time something happens.”

“I was married.”

“Never stopped you from fucking me, huh?” I asked bitterly. “Don’t play that foolish card.”

We were overcome with silence, as I just stared at the green carpeting tracked with mud prints from decade after decade. He stood over me, eyes closed, unsure of what to do or say, confused, and lost, all at once.

The door opened, and Ainsley stepped out. She stared back and forth, before opening her mouth, then closing it. She never said anything, just nodded, and walked back inside, shutting the door softly. It was like she understood this was our time.

“She left,” he whispered after five minutes. “She said that we didn’t love each other, that we never communicated, that we’d never be truly happy.”

I was quiet. There was no need for me to speak.

“It still hurt,” He said. “It still hurt. Rejection hurts.”

“To self-centered people.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No, it hurt, because you’ve never been hurt Gerard. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It hurt because you never knew the true feeling of rejection.”

“Once before,” He replied nonchalantly. “By you.”

That stung. Hadn’t I rejected him for the better? “I did it because it had to be done,” I said calmly.

“Doesn’t make it any easier.” He slid down the wall next to me, and cupped his hands around my face. I sighed, closing my eyes and avoiding him. “Frank, I do love you. I do.”

“But?” He chuckled, as I opened my eyes and stared up at him. He slowly leaned forward and kissed my lips. It just barely there, barely long enough for me to savor it, before he pulled back away, smiling.

“But I need for you to be confident. And I need for me to learn a few lessons about having a heart. About not just being there for scene.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, tears filling my eyes once more. He kissed my forehead.

“It means, don’t cry, someday we’ll make it in this frenzy, confusing world, love.” And he stood up and walked off.

After five minutes of staring in disbelief, I stood up, and made my way back inside. I looked at my dad and Marilyn, Ainsley, Bob, and Ray, all sitting around the table laughing and grinning, truly happy.

For a moment – just a moment – I envied it. Before I realized I could have it.

Ainsley looked up from talking to them, and smiled, gesturing for me to sit come sit down. And I walk into happiness.