Black and Blue

Today was needed... After the encounter with Maharet (it being the first in too long and under the wrong circumstances), after my feelings on the night previous, this is needed. Her touch, although cold and stone now, seems to be enough to calm me.

It's not something I'm proud of. I can't imagine her not being here, I can't... But it seems like that's the way it should be. But as Maharet told me, we shouldn't dwell on the past.

It's hard, I feel like I'm softening. I'm losing myself, I know it. I can feel my gut and heart disappearing. Decisions... seem mindless now. I don't think. I don't think this is the right thing for me. I'm beginning to truly love this girl and our new connection helps me deny this feeling none, but...

I'll leave that hanging.

***

No matter what I do, I feel terrible. I've fed (thanks to Alu's substitute, I thank you again), I've rested finally and she is in my arms, but my mind doesn't stay in this happy place. Why? It's all I want.

No. It does because what I want is pride. I want Mahret to be proud again, to love me again. She does, no doubt to everyone there that would read this, but she does because she's bound to. She has a tie that forces her.

I don't want false pride, I want it to be real.

I spoke with Mekare last night as well... It was refreshing. I don't think of her any longer as a former love, and someone I will never forget my love of. I won't, I will always love her, but it's become a sibling love. As if she's my sister, we'll fight, but I believe we can be friends at the least.

I have to say, though, she did help kill me. So, she's obligated...