Honey, You're Dead.

DADDY?!
DAD?!
DADDY?!
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!
Maybe I’m being ‘Punk’d’? Nah, that wouldn’t work..
But me a dad? What even…?

….Oh shit.

“DADDY! DAD! DADDY! DAD! DADDY!” The two children who had tackled me to the floor continued screaming in both my ears.
“SHU-…Shhh.”
They both slowly jumped up and stared down at me, they looked identical and as I stood up slowly I saw that they both had bright blue ocean like eyes…I mean non-polluted ocean like eyes.
They had dark hair, that resembled the cut of mine when I was a child, in fact they looked scarily like the pictures my mom has lying around her new house of me when I was two.
They also had thick eyebrows too, like mine.
I smiled at the inquisitive faces, if they were mine, they didn’t inherit all their features from me, I smiled at those memories that I had pushed to the back of my mind, before I could get all sentimental I pushed all of it to the back of my mind and noticed that each of the two now scarily quiet children had in fact got name tags hanging from around their necks.
I knelt down and saw the neatly written names.

Paul Jonas

Edward Jonas

I glanced up at them, “Where’s your mom?”
“She went poof.” The one with the Edward tag said excitedly.
I raised an eyebrow, “Poof?”
Paul shoved Edward aside, clearly pissed that he wasn’t getting any attention from his new daddy, “She said she’d come back soon.” He said quietly. “No poofing. Not a witch.” He said, throwing a glare at his brother.
“I’d beg to dif-never mind.” I mumbled to myself, gaining confused glances from the small children.
“Hungry?” I asked, completely out of my depth with what the hell I was meant to do in this situation. I could call Lauren, she sometimes has good advice but the whole ;

‘Hey Lauren, I’ve just acquired two children and I need your help telling me what to do. Yes, I’m rubbing it in that you can’t have children while I get children dropped off at the front door, HAHAHA. I win.’

Of course, I wouldn’t say that, but she would most certainly hear it like that. And one thing I’ve learned is do not, under any circumstances get on her bad side, she may act like everything’s okay, but she will secretly be planning your murder, whilst killing you repeatedly in various violent ways on the Sims.

I mean, I could ask Rachael, she has Wednesday. But I don’t want my kids hating me and trying to kill me everyday like Wednesday.
I could ask Rebecca, seeing as I’m married to her, but she hates children and she will not take the news of;

‘Hey honey, welcome home. Was your shopping trip good? Meet your two new children…’
In a good way.

Yeah, I’m in deep shit.

~O~
“Hahahahaha! Ha! HA!”
I glared at Rachael, who was sitting across the kitchen table from me, “It’s not funny. Two children are not funny.”
“No, I agree. It’s not funny, it’s fucking hilarious.”
“I have no clue what I’m meant to do.”
“Hm. I’m guessing keep them alive and don’t sacrifice them to Imhothep or anything like that, y’know. Pretty simple really.”
I stared at her with a blank expression.
“How the hell did you acquire a four point o grade average or whatever the fuck that is? Did Nick take your test? Or whatever that is called, I’m from Ireland we do it differently before you try to insult me for not knowing what it’s called.”
“I wonder myself sometimes.” I mumbled.
She laughed quietly, before the patio door opened and Wednesday walked in, shut it behind her, smiled at her Mom innocently (Which usually meant something evil was going to happen) and then she skipped out of the room, carrying the one armed, dyed black raggy dressed porcelin doll that she cherished.
“She’s up to something.” I whispered when she had disappeared.
Rachael rolled her eyes, “Just because she’s tried to kill you, you’re always convinced she’s ‘up to something’, seriously, get a new record and play that instead.”
I glared at her.
“It’s always, ‘Rachael, Wednesday tried to strangle me. Rachael, Wednesday dug a pit in the garden and pushed me into it. Rachael, Wednesday tried to poison me. Rachael, Wednesday tazered me.’ Shut up already, Joe. I don’t care, she’s adorably innocent.”
Before I could reply, there was a loud bang against the glass patio door and Paul’s face was pressed against the glass as he slid to the ground outside, two seconds later the exact same thing happened to Edward.
Rachael laughed loudly from beside me, “Wow. Wingus and Dingus are stupid.” Rachael said between laughs, putting emphasis on the last word.
I glared at her, “That’s not their names.”
“Is now.” She said hopping off the kitchen chair and walking out of the room, still laughing quietly to herself, I could imagine her replaying that image again and again.
When I remembered that when children hurt themselves, their parents usually have to comfort them I ran outside.
And the worst father of the year award goes to….Joe fucking Jonas.

~*~
*2 weeks later*
*Lauren’s P.O.V*

I felt someone poking my arm and turned uncomfortably in my seat, but not before I swatted whoever was poking me.
“Ouch!” Someone that sounded very familiar mumbled.
I kept my eyes closed, I tend not to give a crap about hurting anyone when I’m asleep.
“Lauren, wake up we’re home.”
Oh, that voice was Kevin. Oops. Oh well.
I opened my eyes slowly, “Well the house looks like it’s still intact.” I mumbled, wiping the sleep from my eyes.
“Yeah, but it’s much harder to destroy the outside of a house than inside.” Kevin murmured.
“True. But not impossible for them.”
We both got out of the car and walked towards the front door, agreeing that if the house was still intact, then we would carry our bags in. “Ready to face the mad house?” Kevin asked.
I nodded slowly as he opened the door, we walked into the silent house.
Silence.
It’s silent.
Oh fuck, who’s murdered who?
I exchanged a worried glance with Kevin, who had the same expression.
We slowly stepped forward into the hall, the house was immaculately clean, not bombed and it was silent.
“Are we in the right house?” I whispered.
Kevin glanced back at the number on the front door, “Apparently.” He said quietly.
“Did they sell it while we were away? Have we just broken into someone else’s house?”
“I’m not sure.” Kevin mumbled.
We walked cautiously towards the kitchen, where the door was open a crack and there was a light on, I glanced through the open crack of door and saw Rachael sitting at the kitchen table, head down reading a book intently with dinner in front of her, there was someone on the other side of the table talking to her, making her laugh and grin up at him every now and again, but it wasn’t Nick.
Kevin and I exchanged a confused glance, but we were happy enough that a bomb hadn’t hit the house, so we walked into the kitchen, both Rachael and Joe looked up at us.
It wasn’t Nick, but it was Joe..
“You’re back!” Rachael said excitedly running over to hug me, when she let go she was facing Kevin, “Eh..hi five?” She asked awkwardly.
Kevin laughed quietly, high fiving her. “I’m going to get our bags out of the car.”
“Okay.” I said lightly, looking around the kitchen that was scarily clean, “Um, thirsty. Water. Yes.” I mumbled to myself walking over to grab a glass from the press
Rachael had sat back down and continued eating, talking and laughing quietly with Joe.
Wait…Shit!
Has she killed Nick?!
I grabbed a glass and filled it with water and as I was walking back towards the table when I heard what Rachael was saying to Joe.
“Thanks for last night, Joe.”
The glass slipped out of my hands and shattered on the ground, both Rachael and Joe’s heads turned towards me at the exact same time, Joe’s eyes were startled at the sudden loudness.
Rachael rolled her eyes, “He cooked dinner for Nick and I last night.” she then glared at the shattered glass and back at me, “We cleaned this house, it is staying clean and if you don’t clean that up in five minutes, I will kill you.”
Cleaning? Silence? Friendship? What the fuck happened when we left?
“Uh, okay….” I mumbled, walking around the kitchen absentmindedly, trying to remember where the mop and dustpan and brush were kept, wait…did we even have one?
I sighed, running a hand through my hair, “Where the fuck?” I mumbled under my breath.
“Cupboard, over there. Three minutes gone.” Rachael said in a bored voice, before eating more of her dinner.
I gave Rachael a scared look, before finding what I was looking for and starting to clean up.
When I was done, I sat down at the table, “Where’s Rebecca and Nick?” I asked.
“Rebecca was extremely pissed off at the children so she decided to stay in a hotel and stalk Justine Beaver for a few weeks.” Joe mumbled, sounding somewhat jealous-hence the name calling, which I agreed with, but if that was said in the presence of Rebecca, we’d both be murdered sadistically.
“Nick’s reading to Wednesday before she goes to sleep, after he put the other two to bed.” Rachael mumbled.
“Wait..” I mumbled, holding up my hand, “Children?”
“Oh yeah, we never told you.” Rachael mumbled, still reading.
“Told me what?”
“Emily dropped off my two children and bolted.” Joe said, smiling sadly.
My eyes widened, “Seriously?”
Joe nodded. “They’re called-”
Rachael cut him off, “Wingus and Dingus.”
I stared at them both with a blank expression.
“Paul and Edward.” Joe said quietly. “But seeing as Wednesday took their name tags away and they are identical, I now no longer know which one is which. They don’t either.”
“Because they’re as stupid as their-”
“They are not stupid.”
“Yes they are, they don’t know who they are, they walk into glass doors-ALL THE TIME and-”
“Girls! Stop it!” I said trying to shut them up.
“I’m not a girl.” Joe said defensively.
I raised an eyebrow, “Really, Joe? Really?” I asked teasingly.
He glared at me.
“They’re still incredibly stupid though. That and there’s basically murder everyday with three children in the house.” Rachael chipped in.
“That’s Wednesday’s fault!” Joe shouted.
“No! You always blame Wednesday, like the other day you said Wednesday tried to smother you with a pillow, that she dug a hole in the back garden and tried to bury you, or that she had come after you with a carving knife. She’s an innocent little girl, shut up, Joe. Just go away.”
I blocked out what Joe was arguing back, and put my head in my hands, “I’m not paid enough for this.” I groaned.
“You’re not paid at all.” Rachael said matter of factly.
“I know.” I mumbled, “I should be.”
“But, if you demanded to be paid for being married to Kevin, surely then you would be a prostitute, Lauren.” Rachael said, smiling brightly at me.
“Shut up, Rachael. Just shut up.”
“Someone’s cranky. Go to bed.”
“Rachael, you’re not my mother.”
“But your mother never ordered you to go to bed, so I’m doing what she never did.”
“So you’re going to read to me before bed, hug me, act like a nice person, not be drunk, brush my hair, talk about things, give me help when I need it, oh and the most important-actually act like a mom?” I asked, my voice somewhat bitter.
I noticed that Joe’s eyes had widened while I was talking, but he avoided eye contact.
Rachael bit her lip awkwardly, I think I heard her murmur, “Awkward.” under her breath.

~oOo~
*Joe’s P.O.V*

“Well Nick decided to spend the day with Wednesday, so here I am. With your hellish Wingus and Dingus so called children.” Rachael said grouchily.
“Well why did you come out for this walk then?” I retorted.
“I wanted to.” She said simply.
“That makes no sense.”
“Doesn’t have to.”
“Aw!” A complete randomer came up to us, smiling at Wing-I mean, Paul and Edward. “You both look like such a happy couple.”
“Huh?” Rachael asked.
“Wha..?” I said quietly.
“And two children! How long have you both been married, you two look very young.” The old lady said, still paying most of her attention to Paul and Edward.
“We’re not married.” I said quickly.
The woman tutted quietly, shaking her head slowly, “Two children…modern life..” She mumbled.
“They’re not my children.” Rachael said slowly, as if to try and get the point through clearly.
“Yeah.” I said quietly, “She has a child with my brother.”
“Oh!” The woman exclaimed, “What is his view on your relationship then?”
“…relationship?” Rachael asked confused.
“You are together, right? You seemed like it.”
Rachael threw back her head laughing aloud. “God no! I’m married to his brother.”
“Oh..” The woman said quietly.
“..You don’t know who I am?” I asked.
She shook her head slowly, “Should I?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t be so vain dear, you’re just a pretty face. There are too many of them in this town.” She said patting my shoulder and walking off.
“Hah.” Rachael said teasingly from beside me.

>:{

“So are you sure you’ll be able to manage the three of them?” Lauren asked.
“Yes.” I said for the umpteenth time.
“Good, bye.” She said walking out the front door followed by everyone else, they were going to an interview while I was at home because I was ‘sick’.
“Wednesday! Give me that carving knife.”
Wednesday glanced up at me innocently, “Why?”
“Because…it’s dangerous.”
“But….I was just going to play with stupid and stupider.” She said in a sweet tone.
“Their names are win-Paul and Edward.” I said quietly, “Give me the knife.” I said holding out my hand.
She sighed deeply and dropped the knife into my hand, turned around and walked up the stairs mumbling various things under her breath, the only one I caught was ‘You’re no fun. I just wanted to hurt them, in a fun way.’
She was definitely Rachael’s daughter.
I walked into the sitting room after putting the knife back in the child locked press, which obviously wasn’t as child-proof as it claimed to be. We should have bought the ‘Evil genius child-lock’

I rolled over to try and rid of the incessant poking pain going through my arm every few seconds, but then was woken by Wednesday repeatedly screaming “UNCLE JOE!”
“What?” I grumbled, rubbing my eyes and sitting up on the sofa.
“I got bored.” Wednesday said lightly.
“Huh?” I asked.
She pointed over towards the TV where, tied back to back on two small chairs, gagged and blindfolded were Paul and Edward.
My mouth dropped open, “Wednesday!” I scolded, but she just jumped up and down excitedly.
I walked over towards my children and as I was standing in front of the TV, Wednesday pushed me against it, her laughter and squeals of delight filling the room.
“Ow..” I grumbled, trying to stand up straight, finding I could no longer move. “Wednesday! Why am I stuck to the TV?”
“I glued you to it.” She said simply, “Now, if you would excuse me, I’m going to chop the heads off my Barbie’s.” She said lightly, skipping happily out of the room.
“But…I’M STUCK!” I shouted after her.
All I heard was her loud laughter from upstairs.
After I don’t know how long my phone started buzzing along the top of the TV, I silently thanked Nick for not actually getting around to buying the flat screen for this room, but as my hands were kind of stuck, I poked at the phone with my nose, hoping to hit the answer button.
“Joe?” Rachael’s voice came through the phone.
“Rachael!”
“What are you doing?” She asked suspiciously.
“I’m glued to the TV.”
“Joe, you’re meant to be looking after the kids.”
“But I’m glued to the TV..”
“Irresponsible asshole.” She said before hanging up.
“…Literally.” I moaned, banging my head against the plastic.
We could be here a while.