Reason to Live

It was an unusually cold morning. I looked at the clock and shivered. It was 5.47am.

“Bruce,” I whispered, moving closer to him in bed. I snuggled up against his chest and pulled the blankets that he stole over me.

“Hmm, yeah?” he replied, so quietly that he barely spoke at all.

“Nothing,” I said, closing my eyes, now that I was comfortable again. I felt his chest rise with each breath he took. It was oddly soothing. He moved his fingers along my arms and stopped when he touched the scar on my shoulder. It had been there for so long that it was barely visible, but could easily be felt.

“What was your dream about?” he asked.

“My dream?”

“Yeah, you screamed about ten minutes ago.”

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”

“Yeah,” he whispered, sounding like he’d drift back to sleep within seconds. He softly traced the scar with his fingertips.

“It wasn’t about you. I always remember when it’s about you,” I said, smiling.

“Am I ever going to know what happened to you?” Bruce finally asked.

I didn’t know what to say. I always found my past so hard to talk about. “It was glass,” I replied.

“Glass? If it was your foot or hand, fair enough, but on your shoulder?”

“ A bottle smashed,” I whispered.

“I’m not saying that you have to tell me, but just know that it puts me in an awkward position when the one person I care about the most is screaming for somebody to “stop” in her sleep.”

“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, or to feel that you need to protect me or anything. I’m stronger than that, and I’m ok.”

“I always feel like I need to protect you, because I love you. I know that you’re strong, I just want you to know that I care,” he kissed my ear.

“It’s not like I was innocent or anything, I was being a bitch. I don’t blame him for stabbing me with broken glass.”

“That’s crazy!” Bruce yelled, sitting up and grabbing me in his arms. “It doesn’t matter what you did, you don’t deserve that!”

“Bruce, I smashed the windshield of his car.”

“And he’s scarred you for life! It doesn’t add up. And I know that’s not all he did.”

I placed both my hands on his face and pulled him into a kiss. “I’m ok now. I’ve got you,” I whispered.

That night, Bruce was laughing at me as I danced to Whitesnake's Still of The Night. I swayed my wavy hair to the music, while attacking it with the hair dryer. I gave him a flirtatious kiss before running off to get changed while he began to shave.
We had about thirty minutes left until we had to leave for the party. I already had my outfit planned, but felt the temptation to try on a dress that I had never worn out before. I got it on special years before, simply because it looked cool, even though it was a few sizes too small. I squeezed into the dress, forcing the shiny black material to cling to my figure. Sure it was uncomfortable as all hell, but it looked good... a little slutty, but good. I quickly learned why I had never worn it out before. I was about to change, when I noticed that Bruce was standing in the doorway, watching with enthusiasm. He looked very impressed.

"Bruce likes?" I asked.

"Bruce loves,” he replied with a great kiss. "But, wait. You're not wearing that to the party are you?" he asked seriously.

"Oh, no,” I laughed. He helped unzip the dress. "I think I would want to be able to breathe."

"Good... because I would hate for you to be out dressed like that,” he said.

"Ha, and why would that be?" I asked.

"Because, with you looking that good... all it would take is for Joe to get a glimpse and , well...", he hinted. I pulled away from him, offended.

"What's that supposed to mean, Bruce?" I asked with a hint of anger.

"Nothing ... just, well... you've been spending a lot of time with him lately, and C'mon, I’m kidding!” He said. I couldn't tell if he was insulting me or joking, either way I was angry.

"Are you suggesting that I'm cheating on you?" I snapped.

"No! No, Audrey, you know what I mean.." he said frustrated. I walked towards the wardrobe.

"I'm changing, ok?" I said emotionlessly. He nodded and left the room.

When I returned he seemed very annoyed by what I was wearing. I wore track pants and an oversized Iron Maiden t-shirt. I admit now, doing that was very childish.

"What are you wearing?" he asked.

"Clothes. Do I look ok?" I asked sarcastically. He seemed surprisingly in control.

"Well, if that's what you want to wear I'm not going to stop you,” he said, playing along with my childish behaviour. "We better go."

"I'm not going,” I said as I switched on the TV. He looked at me shocked.

"It's kinda your party. You can't not go Aud,” He said.

"I feel awkward around Joe Perry now. He's going to talk to me, and you'll get all jealous and be in one of your moods..."

"My moods? Like your's now?"

"Look! You brought this upon yourself... I'm not going. There's nothing stopping you from going though,” I said as I pulled a blanket over me.

"This is so stupid!" he yelled. I finally got to him.

"Yes it is!" I yelled back. "All this jealousy, when's it going to end Bruce? Don't you trust me?"

"Can't you understand why I'd be jealous? You spend all this time with him, I hardly ever see you!"

"That's not entirely my fault. Working with Joe is my job. There's nothing going on between us. Do want me to give up my band?” I yelled.

"No." he said.

"Then, what do you want? We can't keep fighting like this. It’s one thing to say that you love me, but it means nothing if you can’t trust me!”

“I never said that I don’t trust you!” he yelled.

If you can't trust me Bruce, well...we've got problems." I said sadly.

“Will you listen to me? It’s not you that I don’t trust. Why don’t you ever listen?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because I’m hopeless and I need protecting!” I screamed.

"We're late. I'm going to tell everyone that you can't make it to the party,” he said and then left.

This was like no other fight. Usually we'd argue over little things, nothing as serious as this. I couldn't stop crying. The thought of breaking up with Bruce tore me to pieces. I sat at the bottom of the shower for almost an hour, letting the water wash away my tears.
Once I got dressed I heard knocking at the door. I was so sure it was Bruce, so I rushed to answer it. To my surprise, it was Joe.

"Oh, are you ok?" he said hugging me as soon as I opened the door. My eyes must have looked horrible from crying. I felt ashamed as he hugged me, but liked the comfort.

"We just had another fight. Was Bruce there?" I asked.

"No, he wasn't. I guessed something must have been wrong for you both to miss the party,” he said sounding worried. "Look at you! You're a mess!" Joe hugged me once again. His arms were so strong, it felt good, but so bad at the same time.

He stayed for a while, insisting that he'd cheer me up. As much as I loved his company, I couldn't help but feel guilty.
There was an awkward moment of silence as we both sat on my couch, staring at each other.
“Ahh I’m such an idiot!” I stressed, wiping my tears on the couch.

“No, you’re not Audrey. Shit happens,” Joe reassured me.

“I didn’t deserve a guy like him anyway. I’ve been so stupid. I do nothing but complain and he’s been so good to me. Why would he even like me in the first place? I’m a silly little country girl. I’m not skinny or blonde. I know nothing about the music industry. I can’t even read music...”

Joe placed his hands on my face and looked at me with his deep brown eyes. He's so gorgeous. “There’s a lot to like about you. You’re talented and beautiful.” I looked at him shocked, and wept. "I hate seeing you upset,” he whispered before kissing me.

I felt a rush of panic come over me as I tasted his lips. I kept telling myself it was wrong, but couldn't seem to pull away. It was incredibly hard, but eventually, I found the courage and reasoning to do so.

"I'm so sorry Joe,” I said softly as I moved away from him. He looked horrified and I began to feel terrible, thinking that by rejecting him, I had caused that reaction. Then I realised, that he wasn't looking at me. I cringed as I turned around, expecting the worst.

Sure enough, Bruce was standing at the door, looking devastated....