Reason to Live

My eyes stung so bad from crying. I squeezed them shut to try and stop the tears. Leaning against the closed door of Debbie ’s bedroom, I cringed as I heard glass smash and people yelling. The last thing I wanted to do was start a fight. So I did end up at the party.

When I saw Bruce at the door some hours earlier, I knew right then that I had messed it all up for sure that time. I chased Bruce all the way down the street, yelling like a retard. My desperation could not have been any clearer if I tried. Unsure where to go, I ended up at the party, hoping that Bruce might show up so I could explain myself and reduce the chance of him hating me.

“There you are! Oh my god, what happened?” Debbie screeched when I walked into her enormous home where the party was held. That must have looked great to the press that was there, documenting the record release of a new upcoming band. The lead guitarist walks in wearing baggy pants and a huge Iron Maiden shirt, while looking rather hysterical, drenched in tears. It contradicted everything Holly had just told them about us not being sooks simply because we’re girls.

I shook my head. “I...he...” I cried.

“I have no idea what you just said,” Debbie told me.
Not long after, Joe burst into the room, running towards me.
“Audrey, I am so sorry,” He apologised, grabbing my hand.

“It’s ok,” I said, pulling away from him.

“I didn’t mean for that to happen, trust me,” he said, taking my hand again. I pulled away again, heading for Debbie’s bedroom, where I could shut the door and be alone.

“What the hell did you do?” Debbie asked, sounding threatening.

“I... nothing, ok?” Joe said, following after me.

“Nothing? She’s bawling her eyes out! What did you do?” Debbie yelled.

“I kissed her, alright? Audrey!” Joe yelled.

“What? Why would you do that?” Debbie questioned, stepping in front of him.

“Get out of my way,” Joe said, frustrated. Overhearing this, being the type of guy he is, Dave punched first and asked questions much later.

I shut the door behind me, knowing that Joe was kicking Dave’s ass. The door opened slightly, and I saw little fingers with black nail polish slide through, easing the door in enough to walk inside.
Marie quietly squeezed through the door, as to not let anybody else inside. I looked up at her with my eyes full of tears. Without saying a word, she lowered herself to the floor next to where I sat, and squeezed me in a strong, yet comforting hug. Her silence reflected her understanding of what happened, otherwise she would have asked. She sat with me for over an hour, as we listened to people arguing, then eventually people banging on the door for us to come out. Marie smiled and said “I know he loves you.”

That night I slept on Debbie’s couch. I really ruined that party, it ended very early. I was so afraid to read magazines after that, knowing how a Los Angeles reporter would have interpreted our manager attempting to beat up Aerosmith’s guitarist. Not surprisingly, Dave got rather bruised that night.

The next afternoon when I returned home, I wasn’t at all shocked that Bruce wasn’t there. I walked inside and sat on the couch, placing my face in my hands. I whispered to myself, “God Aud. You’ve really done it this time.” The silence of the apartment was the most depressing thing ever. Bruce and I were rarely ever silent. He’d always be playing guitar and I’d always be listening to records. Tommy Lee once said that silence equals death, and that sure was how our relationship felt.
My attention was caught by the flashing light on the answering machine. There were five new messages.

“Bruce, I really hope you hear this. I know there’s not much that I can say right now that will make any of this better, but you need to know that I love you, I really do. What you saw was a mistake, it really did mean nothing. I’m not interested in Joe at all – he kissed me! Yeah, like you’d believe that. God I’m so stupid! Look, I’m at Debbie’s tonight. I’ll give you the space you need. You can call anytime, I’m by the phone. I don’t know what else to say. I love you. Please call.”

I cringed as I heard that message play. I don’t think I could have loathed myself more.

“It’s Marie. Bruce what the fuck are you doing? There’s nothing going on between her and Joe. She’s insanely in love with you, I’d know, she tells me everything! If only you could see her right now. She’s a mess. Just get your ass over here and kiss and makeup.” She paused for a second, then was taken over by wild laughter. “ Hey Eric, did you hear that? KISS and makeup! Haha, get it?”

“Yeah, it’s Eric. Marie’s pissed at you. I told you not to do it. Just warning you man.”

“You’re dead Kulick. DEAD! I’m finally friends with a chick and you have to go and run away like a punce. Oh crap, why am I calling here? You’re not there.”

“Audrey... I’m sorry. You can’t call, I’m in Ja...”

I raced to the phone and hit the dial button as quickly as I could. Luckily that message was only a couple of minutes old.

“Hello?” Bruce asked.

“Please don’t hang up!” I screamed.

“Audrey?”

“Yeah. Bruce, I’m so sorry. Please listen to me. Where are you?”

“Japan,” he replied.

“W...what?”

“I’m in Japan,” he repeated.

“Why? You don’t tour there until next week!”

“I know. I just had to get out of L.A.”

“I need to see you. This is all a mistake.”

“You know. Maybe it’s not.”

“What do you mean?”

“What you said last night was right Audrey. We do have problems.”

“Bruce, this is crazy.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“I do! I love you, and supposedly, you love me too...”

“I do love you.”

“Why are we having this conversation then? Why aren’t you here?”

“I think maybe... we need to move on.”

“Bruce, this doesn’t make sense!” I cried.

“I’m sorry,” he said, then hung up.