Reason to Live

I woke up smiling. I hadn’t done that in a while. Bruce was the only thing on my mind. I rolled over, expecting him to be there.
“Oh shit!” I said , sitting up, realising what I had done. I sat alone , naked, in a hotel bed. I was sober enough to remember it all. Every caress, every kiss. But I was drunk enough to not care that it was a very stupid thing to do. Until I woke up.

Gene’s party was held in a very expensive, but beautiful hotel. That made the move from Bruce’s car to a bed incredibly easy. However, there was no chance in hell of our affair being discrete. I’m sure many people would have known, at least Paul would have. If I was not alone, I wouldn’t have cared. At least I’d know that he felt the same way. But now I had a chase on my hands.

I rushed home, ditching my no longer elegant dress for a white t-shirt and pair of shorts. I was so rushed that I didn’t even think to wear underwear.
Five hours later, I was walking into a stadium. The drive alone gave me time to hate myself for being so selfish. Not once did I consider how Bruce’s girlfriend or Joe might have felt. What scared me the most was that I didn’t care. What I felt the night before was far too powerful to fight.

“Sorry, you can’t come through here,” a security guard said, pushing me away.

“No, no. You don’t understand, I have to see Bruce...”

“Sure, so do a thousand other women. The concert isn’t until tonight, go away.”

“I know the band, I’m not a groupie. God, will you just let me through already!” I yelled.

Overhearing this, Gene walked over.
“It’s cool. She’s with me,” he said without hesitation He grabbed my arm, pulling me past the gate.

“Okay then,” the security dude said, confused. Gene put an arm around me, and turned back to the security guard, sticking out his tongue.

“Thanks, I thought I was going to have to kick him in the balls,” I said to Gene when he released his grip on me, once we were out of sight.

“If Bruce asks, I did not let you in here, alright?” Gene said, looking a woman up and down as she walked by.

“Has he said anything?” I asked.

“I’m not getting involved,” he said, raising his hands. “I know nothing!” he yelled, walking away.

I stood alone backstage, following my ears. Finding Bruce isn’t hard when he’s playing guitar. It was during a sound check, he stood onstage playing Calling Dr Love with Paul. It actually sounded pretty cool with just the guitars.
Bruce stared at his fingers, concentrating fully. It was a little out of character, he generally tries hard to look alive onstage, even during sound checks. I could tell he wasn’t in a good mood. That wasn’t how this was supposed to be. My plan was for him to realise that he loves me, and for him to be happy about that.

It upset me a lot, and because of that, I got angry.
I walked out onto the stage, catching Paul’s attention as I strutted past him. I went straight for the amps, killing the sound.
Bruce turned around, looking at me with fury. “What the hell are you doing?” he yelled.

“I could ask you the same thing Bruce!” I yelled back. “You think you can just screw me, then run away!”
He dropped his guitar, and dragged me off the stage by my arm. “Let go of me!” I screamed, pushing him off me once we were alone. Yet again, Paul was left behind, looking curious.

“You’re crazy!” he yelled.

“Why did you leave? After everything last night you just got up and left? Is it all you wanted? Just to fuck me!” I screamed loudly, kicking a chair over.

“Be quiet!” he begged, pinning me against a wall. “Don’t yell.”

“Why the fuck not?” I shouted, struggling to get away from him. “Are you ashamed?”

“Yes!” he said, making sure I didn’t move. “It’s not right Audrey. Christina probably already knows. People keep talking...”

“Stop trying to protect yourself! You knew what you were doing...”

“I’m trying to protect you! I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said.

“Then why are you hurting me?” I asked, looking at him sadly.

“Don’t make me feel bad! This is equally your fault as it is mine.”

“How is it my fault?” I yelled.

“All that flirting, and not once did you refuse me. You even begged me for more!”

“You...” my eyes started to get teary. “ You always push me away.” I couldn’t look at him any longer. I turned my face to the side, hiding behind my tangled hair.

He stepped back from me, letting go of my arms. “Oh god. Aud... don’t cry,” he said, sounding frustrated. There was a painful moment of silence. I looked up at him. He seemed guilty, like seeing me cry hurt him just as much as it hurt me.
He walked over, and gently pulled me into his arms. He held me tightly and brushed the hair covering my face away with his fingertips.

“I love you,” I said, boldly. “And I know you love me too.” He had a painful look in his eyes. “Tell me that you love me too,” I whispered. He didn’t say anything, he just kept staring at me.

“Bruce?” a voice asked from behind us. He turned to look at one of the stage crew guys. “Sorry man, we need you now.”

Bruce nodded, letting go of me. He turned back to face me, gently placing a hand on my face. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, then stopped. He sighed heavily, then began to walk away.

He said nothing.