Reason to Live

There was no answer at the door, the music inside is always too loud for her to hear me. I let myself in and yelled "Marie!" I felt like I was going to fall to the floor once the temperature hit me. As David Bowie's Heroes played from the stereo, I walked into her sheet -covered living room. She stood on top of a ladder, wearing just a bra and overalls, singing her heart out.
"Marie!" I yelled again, pulling off my scarf and jacket. She didn't hear. "Bacon!" I screamed. That time she heard, squealing and jumping in shock. She lost her balance, the ladder rocked slightly and sky blue paint splattered all over my new, white t-shirt.
"Oh my fucking KISS! Audrey, you scared the shit out of me!" Marie gasped. She jumped off the ladder, turned down the music and looked at me. "Dude, I'm sorry about your clothes," she apologised.
I giggled. "I needed more colour anyway, don't worry." Marie smiled. "It's hotter than hell in here!"
"Yeah, I got sick of the cold weather," Marie explained, walking into the kitchen. I followed after her, as I always do when she walks into a kitchen. Marie has an amazing stock of food - always!
She opened the fridge and passed me a bottle of water (always knowing what I want) while asking "In the studio today?"
"Nope. I'm in protest, along with Holly and Debbie."
"So Holly's back?" Marie asked.
"Yeah, on the condition that Dave doesn't let the producers turn us electronic. We want to be raw rock n roll. But we're not doing anything until Billie decides to."
"I swear Aud, you all need to spend less time chasing after that girl and more time adoring me," Marie joked.
"I spend a lot of time adoring you, don't worry," I laughed.
"So you're free today?"
"Yes. Unless you want me to help you paint, otherwise I'm really busy."
"No, It's okay. I'll just leave it."
"Well, then I'm all yours."
"Great, because without Eric here, I'm lonely as hell. Wanna chill with me today?" Marie asked hopefully. Before I could answer she added, "I didn't want Eric to leave for those stupid in store signings. I felt like chaining him to the bed again."
I blinked and shook my head in disbelief. " Again?"
"What?"
"You said "again". You said that you felt like chaining him to the bed again."
"Yeah," Marie said, not being able to see why I was so surprised. I stared at her, smiling. "Oh c'mon! I know you and Bruce do weirder shit!"
I just started laughing. "I didn't want Bruce to leave either. And I know he definitely didn't want to go."
"Yeah? I thought he loved meeting fans...being adored."
"He does. Maybe too much," I laughed. "No, he feels horrible because I've got a doctor's appointment and he promised he'd be there. But I made him go today, because three men isn't KISS.
"Are you going to find out today?" Marie asked, jumping from the bar stool.
"Maybe. I'm just trying out a new doctor, seeing how L.A compares to medical practices in New York."
"Aud, I wanna come too! That is if you don't mind?"
"Of course! I really don't want to go alone anyway," I said, hugging her.
"I'm going to call Bruce right now and tell him not to worry!" she yelled, running out of the room. "I'll tell him you're in good hands!"
I just laughed to myself. She's the greatest friend anybody could ask for.

Little Mitchell Carr didn't make a sound as Marie pushed him along in his stroller. I couldn't believe how quiet that baby was.
"He's so good! I'm twenty eight and I feel like screaming my lungs out in this place, how can a baby be so quiet?" I asked, amazed, as we walked through the white, depressing halls of a hospital.
"I don't see why people freak out so much about babies. Mitch barely cries at all," Marie said, picking him up in her arms. He looked so adorable as he began to fall asleep.
"I'm sure not all babies are like that," I said, rather pessimistically.
"It's not that bad," she laughed.
"Ready to go in?" I asked Marie. She nodded and we proceeded inside.

"Good morning," the doctor smiled. She looked genuine, not at all creepy, like the doctor before. "I'll be with you in just a second, take a seat," she said, walking into another office.
"Ten dollars, she's named after a food," Marie joked.
"You're on," I agreed, and we shook on it.
"I'm doctor Ford," the woman introduced herself upon her return.
"Damn," Marie whispered.
"I'm Audrey Moore, and this is my friend Marie and her son Mitchell," I said, smiling at Marie.
"Oh, hello!" the doctor smiled, pulling faces at Mitch.
"I was thinking, I might use the ten dollars to put towards a new house," I whispered. Marie nudged me and laughed quietly.

"Miss Moore, I've received your file from your previous doctor, doctor ah..." she paused for a second, just to double check she was reading the right name. "...Pickle," she said weirdly. Marie, not surprisingly, started laughing. I turned to her and smiled.
"Ah It gets me every time," she sighed.
Doctor Ford focused her attention back on me. "It appears that you may very well be pregnant. According to this, your test results from New York indicate that you're four months along..."
“Four months?!” I almost yelled. I could feel my heart breaking. I think with a little quick math, Marie got the same idea too, as she began to pat my back comfortingly.
“No, no. I can not be four months! I just can't be!" I said stressed, forcing back tears.
"These results are from a man that initially told you that there's no chance in hell that you're pregnant Aud, remember that," Marie tried to reassure me.
"I think it is best that we start anew with the entire process. I can have you in for an ultrasound in as little as an hour. That will tell you everything you need to know, but the gender of the baby, assuming there is one. I've had a few bad reports from this hospital in New York, so please, don't worry as of yet."
I nodded, as tears began to pour from my eyes. I had such a bad feeling about it all.
The doctor left Marie and myself alone, seeing how I was obviously quite upset. I have no idea what I would have done without Marie there.

"It's Joe's," I whispered. Marie hugged me tightly.
"Don't worry, no matter what happens, everything will be okay. I'm here for you," she said wiping my tears with the sleeve of her top.
"Thank you," I said, trying hard to calm down. The silence in the room was killing me. The only sounds I could hear was the heater buzzing and myself sniffling.

Within an hour, as promised, I was lying on a hard bed, busting to pee, with some woman pushing on my belly. The word discomfort is nowhere near enough.
“Well, there's a heartbeat. A healthy heartbeat.” I closed my eyes as I accepted what had just been said. “So the pregnancy is definitely confirmed”, doctor Ford smiled.
I let my face fall into my hands and breathed heavily. I was terrified. Within a brief moment I was told , basically, that my life was about to change forever. I dreaded the events that were to follow. I was about to marry the man of my dreams, but I was pregnant to somebody else.
“You okay?” Marie asked comfortingly as she rubbed my arm. I nodded. I felt a strange mix of fear and happiness.
“Everything looks good so far... I'd say you're about eight weeks pregnant.”
“Oh thank god," I whispered in relief.
"Eight weeks," Marie said to herself, as if she was thinking about it. "Eight weeks!" She suddenly exclaimed. "Holy crap Aud, that was August!"
I felt like I lost ten kilos of stress. Joe was in Europe and Canada that whole month touring. I never saw him once. "Wow, it was Gene's party! Aud, you got knocked up in the back seat of Bruce's car!" Marie shouted with excitement. I looked across at the doctor, who seemed to be trying very hard not to laugh. I laughed, half excited, half embarrassed.
"So far, everything is perfect," the doctor smiled. "Would you like to see your baby?"
"Yes!" Marie screamed. "Oh, well...Audrey, do you wanna see your baby?" Marie asked me.
"Yes," I laughed, smiling madly.
"Alright, here it is," Doctor Ford said, turning the screen in our direction.
I tried really hard to seem like I knew what I was looking at. I was too embarrassed to ask "Where is the baby?" Marie hugged me and smiled.
"It looks like a peanut," she laughed.
"Yeah," I agreed, still trying to see it.
" I'll see you again at week twenty, then we will be able to tell you the gender," the doctor smiled. By this point, I didn't feel as if I was there at all. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, it felt like I was dreaming.

When I got back to Marie's, I held in my hand a photograph of the ultrasound. "Marie."
"Yeah?"
"This doesn't make any sense to me. I can't see the baby," I confessed.
"I thought you knew what you were looking at?" she laughed.
"No," I pouted, handing her the photograph. She held it up and laughed.
"I don't know either."
"What? You said it looks like a peanut!"
"That's what they say in movies and stuff! My ultrasound made no sense to me either!"
"Why didn't you tell me? I felt so stupid that entire ride home."
"Oh my fucking KISS. You know what?" Marie laughed.
"No, what?"
"We're having our first lovers tiff!" she giggled. I started laughing. "See, if Bruce was here right now, this is what the two of you would be arguing about."
I sat on her couch and straightened out the sheet that was covering it as I spoke. "He will feel so bad knowing that he missed all that. But it was nice having you as a boyfriend for a day," I smiled.
"Bruce is a very lucky man," she replied, gently placing a small blanket over her sleeping son, still in his pram.
"Thank you so much for everything today Marie, I don't know how I could have went through that without you."
"That's what friends are for," she smiled, attacking me with a hug when she sat next to me.

With only a little bit of persuasion on Marie's behalf, I decided not to go back to New York that night, but crash at Eric and Marie's instead. We never asked Bruce or Eric, but instead Marie called Eric's cell phone and told the both of them what was happening.
Marie needed inspiration to help write her newest book, which I understood at the time was about people mysteriously getting strangled by trees. I later discovered that there was much more to it than that. To help evoke a sense phenomenal horror, we studied popular movies. Okay, that was just our excuse. We just wanted a movie night. Eric and Bruce didn't buy it either.

As soon as they returned from a day of photo shoots, album signings and radio interviews, Eric and Bruce burst through the door, looking amazing. The first thing Bruce did was rush over to me and wrap his arms around me tightly. "Hey," I giggled, not expecting such a greeting.
"How'd it go?" he asked.
"I..um.."
"Bacon!" Eric said loudly. "You started painting without me? I thought we were going to do it together. Like the sexy DIY renovators we are," he joked, kissing her. Marie laughed and said quietly "there's a moment you may be ruining. But we definitely will continue this later."
"Well?" Bruce asked, smiling at me with much anticipation.
"I don't know anything yet," I lied. Man, I felt bad not telling him the truth, but I wanted to wait.
"Nothing at all?" he asked. I shook my head. "Okay," he sighed, then kissed my forehead. I grinned so wide, when he pressed my face against his chest during the hug. As I breathed in his scent, his chest hair tickled my cheek. It was a warm, comforting feeling I had as I closed my eyes and sank into him. I felt safe, secure and loved.
"C'mon Bruce I'll show you those drawings I was telling you about. When you're done of course," Eric said, smiling. Bruce laughed.
"I'll never be done. Love you," he said, then kissed me. I sank into the couch smiling as he stood up and walked away.
"...and don't start the movies without us," Eric said, grabbing Marie's ass on his way out.

"Audrey, what's going on?" Marie asked, sitting next to me. She looked at me and laughed. "Oh god, you're so smitten."
"I can't stop smiling. Sorry," I said, sitting up straight.
"Why didn't you tell him? He obviously cares," Marie asked, confused.
"I just, didn't know how to say it. I want to tell him when the moment is right. He gets excited about things and then he goes all spontaneous and weird. And even though I love that, I wanna hang out with you guys tonight, the four of us. Like it used to be. If he knows, he'll go all quiet and... I just want the moment to be right, ya know?"
"You're a real tease, you know that? You just love keeping people anticipating," Marie laughed.
"You know..."
"Yeah, but although today I proved that I'd be a good one, I'm not the father. And I think maybe he should know before anybody else finds out. Plus, I'm so excited I just wanna scream it out!"
"I promise I'll tell him sometime tonight, okay?"
"Good. I'm great at keeping your ass in line. I think I should be President," Marie said, staring off into space.
"You've got my vote," I laughed.

I'll admit, I was terrified. My heart felt heavy, and my breathing was all over the place. I think, I might have even been trembling. I slowly pulled the blanket to my face, preparing to hide. I couldn't look away, but I could hide. Bruce sat forward, his hands gently touching my skin. I thought I was doing a great job at discretely being scared until he touched my ear with his lips. I freaked out.
Once I screamed, Bruce cradled me in his arms, laughing. "Woah, look at Audrey!" Eric chuckled. "You better hold onto her Bruce, that evil little girl might get her!" Eric teased. I glared at him, and Bruce kissed my cheek.
"Shh this is the best part!" Marie complained, stealing the popcorn off Eric.
"It's just a movie," Bruce whispered in my ear.
"You can't tell me that you don't think that's fucked up," I replied, with a shaky voice. He just laughed some more, hugging me tighter and tighter.

After the movie, Eric switched the lights on and Marie yawned, then smiled at us. Bruce and I didn't move. "Now you know why she cries when she reads your books," Bruce said to Marie.
"Well, to be fair, The Exorcist is supposed to be the scariest movie of all time. I can see that it's her first time watching it," Marie said in my defence.
"That was banned in my country. Now I know why," I said, still snuggled up next to Bruce.
"Hey Audrey, look at me!" Eric said with a sheet over his head. "Fuck me! Fuck me!" he yelled, jumping around like the girl in the movie.
"Alright," Marie said, raising an eyebrow. Bruce threw a cushion at Eric, hitting him right between the eyes.
"Fuck you Bruce!" he laughed, sitting on the floor.
"Don't make my fiancé cry," Bruce said with a nagging tone to his voice.
"Aww Eric, would you do that for me?" Marie asked.
"Bacon, baby. I'd kill Bruce if you asked me to," Eric replied, jumping over the back of the couch, almost falling on top of Marie. She grabbed his face and soon became lost in his wild, black hair as they kissed.
"There's no way I'd let you kill Bruce, okay?" I said.
Eric laughed, causing him to pull away from Marie. "Audrey, you can't even watch a movie without getting scared. I'm not too threatened."
"Nice to know you'd try babe," Bruce said, running his fingers through my hair.

That night Bruce and I slept by the fireplace. Marie put a blanket over us, she even tucked us in. That was before Eric literally dragged her into the bedroom. They offered us the guest room, but we decided we were too cosy in the living room to move, plus it was the warmest room in the house. They all joked that I was too afraid to walk around in a dark house.
I listened to the sounds of the crackling fireplace and Bruce's breathing. I loved how with each breath he took, my head lifted as I rested on his chest. I knew he was still awake too, because he slide his hands up my shirt, stopping on my stomach. He just sat them there, occasionally feeling up and down.
"You know?" I whispered.
"Yeah," he said, without opening his eyes. I turned my face to his and watched him closely. He looked so peaceful. "I've learnt something in the three years of being in love with you."
"You have?" I asked.
"Yep. You suck at lying," he smiled, opening his eyes.
"I was going to tell you... I just..." I tried to explain, before being stopped as Bruce's lips crashed against mine. He rolled over, so that I was underneath him.
"I know what you were trying to do. And it's sweet that you wanted to wait to tell me. You're such a beautiful woman. Inside and out." I just smiled, sweeping his hair behind his ears. "You'll be a gorgeous mother."
"I love you so much," I whispered.
"I know," he said, before he kissed my lips softly. Without pulling his face away from mine, he slid his nose and lips along my cheek, and anchored his face between my neck and collar bone. There he stayed, with his arms wrapped around me, until we both fell asleep.