Reason to Live

I've never been good at explaining things. My directions are shocking.


Me: Turn now.
Bruce: Which way?
Me: That way.
Bruce: WHICH WAY?
Me: That way!
Bruce: Which way? You're pointing into oncoming traffic! Left or right?
Me: Left!
He turns.
Me: ...oh, maybe it was right.
Bruce: #@*&%!


...and I've never been good at telling people things at an appropriate time. Take my pregnancy for example. For a long time, expressing how I felt was a challenge. As was breaking news, big or small. There were some things I was too chicken to think about, let alone tell anybody. One of those things was my reason for leaving Australia. No, it wasn't because "Miami kicks arse." The real reason, I only knew. It felt like it was poisoning me, keeping it in mind, and only in my mind. There were times I even dreamt about it. I avoided family because of it. It drove me crazy for five years.

Bruce had revealed all secrets that night (at least all he was willing to tell). Not just about Billie, but about the times he'd go to my concerts, at the very back row. He watched me onstage, just as I watched him at KISS shows. We had broken up, but really, we were still always together.
He also revealed the truth behind how we first met. Our first kiss wasn't in West Palm beach as I waited for a taxi. It was in that club that I hated so much where my band first played. I was drunk out of my mind, and not surprisingly, all over him. He also wasn't worried so much about my health like he first said. He was more concerned about me going home with somebody else.
He had said so much, wanting me to trust him. "If we're getting married, we should know all there is to know about each other. And you should be damn sure that I'm madly in love with you," he told me on more than one occasion. And as his lips gently brushed against my skin after an amazing session of passionate sex, the pressure became too much. I felt like I was betraying him, by keeping such a secret. Although we shared a moment that I'd preferred to savour than destroy, I needed to tell him right there and then.

" You need to know!" I said, sitting up quickly. He looked so shocked.
Blinking and breathing heavily, I placed my hand on his face, gesturing that it was okay, I wasn't going mad or anything.
"What do I need to know?" he asked, watching me closely.
I shook my head. "I think it's about time I told you this..."
"Oh no, it's about the way I..."
"No, no. that is great. Don't ever change the way you do that, okay?" I sighed, falling back onto the mattress. I closed my eyes and smirked a little at the memory of what that was.
"Auddy, you're freaking me out," he said, running his fingers through my hair.
"I killed a dog," I said quietly.
He laughed. "You're kidding, right?" I shook my head. "Shit, you're serious?" I nodded. "Okay, I might need you to elaborate sweetheart," he said, sounding fairly amused. "Because now I'm worried that we have very different views on animal cruelty."
"I didn't want to do it, but I had to. It was Liam's dog. He loved her so much. Actually, I think she was the only thing he ever did love. He definitely didn't love me." I thought telling Bruce this would be hard, but I was so comfortable with him, it was less stressful than it was reliving it in my head. I didn't even cry, which for me is quite an achievement.
"So you hit the dog with your car or something?" he asked, confused.
"I shot her."
"Oh, Audrey..." he said, sounding disappointed. Bruce is the type of guy that'd bring an injured dog in from the street. I'm sure he wasn't impressed by what I was telling him.
"I had to Bruce. I couldn't hit him back and I couldn't escape. I was stuck in a violent cycle. I tried smashing his car. I even set his warehouse on fire. The only thing that got his attention was killing his dog. I blamed it on some guy he hated, hoping that'd really piss him off and it did. He beat him up, and got arrested. Then I fled, hoping that nobody would ever find out that it was all my fault."
"Does Debbie know this?" he asked quietly.
"No," I replied. "She didn't even know that he was beating me up until I showed her the bruises. Then she had me overseas in less than twenty four hours."
"Is that the secret you've been too afraid to tell me all this time?" he asked.
"Yeah. I was so worried at first that Liam would find out that it was me, I never told anybody. Then I just didn't want to think about it. But I love you so much, and you said, there shouldn't be any secrets. So there, now you know."
"Did you want to tell me that, or did you just do it because you felt like it was the right thing to do?" he asked, pulling me into his arms.
"Are you crazy? What kind of woman would want to tell her fiancé that she killed a dog because she didn't know how to end a relationship?"
"Lucky I don't have a dog," he joked.
"It's not funny," I said, breaking as I did into a tiny giggle.
"I never said it was," he smiled.
"You never have to worry even if you do get a dog, because I wouldn't ever want to end this relationship."
"You are so sweet," he said, then kissed my nose. It made me smile bashfully. "So that's all your secrets?"
"Well... There is one thing you probably don't know," I told him.
"Is there just?" he asked, kissing my neck.
"Mhmm. When you're in the kitchen, whether it be toast or whatever, and you have a knife...and you lick it," I explained, smiling madly the whole time.
"When I lick a knife?" he asked, laughing.
"It's true," I nodded. "Sometimes I need to change my underwear," I giggled.
"Audrey," he laughed. "You are a very dirty girl," he said, moving on top of me with sensual kisses.
"...you like it."
"I love it!"

It had been fifteen days since I had seen Bruce. It was the day before our wedding. With my hectic last minute wedding arrangements, and Bruce's KISS schedule, we had no time for each other. It was driving me mad.
New York was freezing and it was snowing. I found myself in shopping hell. People raced into the plaza, frantically trying to escape the weather. They also wanted to see KISS.
I approached the busiest part of the mall and sighed. I never, ever liked in store signings. When I do them, they drain all my energy. The repetitiveness is awful, and the time spent with fans is so limited and meaningless. Also, it's excessively noisy, crammed and stressful. And that's only when my band does it. For KISS, it's ten times louder, a lot busier and the fans are a lot more fanatic, I can assure you. I'd know, I'm one of them. I also hated the idea of waiting in line to see my fiancé.
With my hair loose, shielding me slightly and my black KISS beanie that I got from the Asylum tour sitting over my eyebrows, I did a pretty good job of blending in with the fans. I even spoke to a few, a guy named Greg who admitted, Bruce is better than Ace, and a girl named Kayla who had been madly in love with Paul Stanley since she was eight years old. I was, and still am so proud to be a soldier in the KISS army. I love meeting and talking with KISS fans, and love that most of my own fans are KISS fans too. It made sense, back then, I was more famous for being with Bruce than anything else.

I finally approached the front of the line, making sure that I was heading towards the sexy lead guitarist. I got so excited being two people away from him, and when I heard his voice as he talked to fans, my heart started racing. He dropped his marker on the floor when I walked up to the table, decorated with the iconic logo that I see on a daily basis. Seeing his shirt rise, revealing his lower back as he bent over made me smile mischievously. Gene glanced over and saw me standing there. He winked and stuck out his tongue, resulting in a few curious looks from other fans. I just waved. I placed down my copy of their latest record, Smashes, Thrashes And Hits and said, " I'd ask you to sign my breasts, but you've already done that before." He quickly sat up, dropping his marker a second time. The look on his face was incredible. That smile that makes me feel like the most amazing person on the planet, I swear, could light up the entire room.
"Audrey!" he smiled, leaning over the table so that his face was close to mine.
"Hey Brucie," I replied, smiling right back at him. Our noses were touching.
"What are you doin' waiting in line babe? You know you can just walk up to us...you're family," he said, not once dropping that smile. It was too amazing for words. His entire face smiled, his eyes especially. They had a sparkle to them, that made me a thousand times certain that this wedding was the best thing I had ever agreed to. I still am blown away by love. He didn't give me a chance to answer, as he gave me a much anticipated kiss that made my skin tingle. While our lips connected, the crowd cheered. I guess some fans might have wondered why they didn't get kissed by KISS also. I was proud to think In your face bitches! He's mine!
"Well..." I smiled, once the kiss ended. "That was worth every second waiting in line."
He helped me over the desk, where I sat on his knee, as he continued to sign autographs. Each fan got "Hey, this is my lovely fiancé Audrey. Isn't she amazing?"

"When I read the letter that you wrote me ,made me mad, mad, mad. When I read the words that it told me It made me sad, sad, sad. But I still love you so, can't let you go. I love you ...Ooh baby I love you-eah."
I opened the window so that the room filled with my favourite smell, rain. I twirled around and swung my hips to D'yer Ma'ker , turning the volume up so that it overpowered the heavy sound of rain crashing against the pavement outside. I really wanted to just run out there and let the rain soak into me, I always feel like doing that. I thought better of it, I had far too much packing to do.
"Hey, Aud. Wanna go out for lunch before we... oh, look at you dancing!" Bruce smiled as he walked in on me in my underwear. I placed his hands on my hips and threw my arms around his shoulders.
"Where'd you have in mind?", I asked, intimately pressing my face against his.
"Wherever you want my dear. Still packing , huh?" he asked as I pulled away from him and resumed folding clothes.
"I'm just about done. What about you?"
"All packed, expect this one thing. It's really important, and I don't know what I'd do without it."
"Well go pack it then!", I said as I lightly kicked his leg. "Everything needs to be done in a hour and a half!".
It was our last day at home before we set off to Hawaii to get married, hence the reason why I was packing so frantically. Originally intending to have our wedding in New York where we lived, close to Bruce's family, plans changed at the latest minute. We wanted a Spring wedding, but being knocked up raced the wedding forward. Therefore, we chose someplace warm and beautiful. Bruce always wanted the wedding there anyway. He loves Hawaii.
"Okay", he said as he scooped me up in his arms. I squealed, not knowing what to expect. Bruce placed me in the large suitcase that was sitting on the bed. "Well, now I'm all packed and ready to go!", he laughed.
I just shook my head at him, but couldn't help but smile. "You're gorgeous! Stay right there , I need a picture of this," he yelled while running off to get the camera. While he was gone, I realised that there was one very special thing that I still needed to pack, and no it wasn't Bruce. I got up and pulled my favourite necklace out of my jewellery box, that I rarely never wear. In my hand I held the sliver chain from the necklace given to me by my grandfather before he passed away, with the original engagement ring that Bruce gave me, the over-sized one, neatly strung onto it.