If You Want to be Loved

I met her in my first year of college. We were both art students, both members of the school’s Gay Straight Alliance. We had completely different personalities- she, the outgoing, ambitious artist who wanted nothing more than to have a good time, and I, the shy intellect who was passionate about everything and nothing all at once. We met for the first time at one of the meetings. At first, I was completely intimidated yet insanely attracted to the older woman. She oozed confidence, and a “I-care-not” attitude seemed to be the norm for her. She was outspoken and brash, giving her opinions on everything and tossing ideas out like no tomorrow. I think I fell for her that very first day.

“Melany Boyce.”
“Here.” My head snapped up, green eyes meeting brown. I’d always loved her eyes. They’re so wonderfully warm and kind, and remind me of hot cocoa on a cold winter day. It had been almost nine months since I’d seen her.
“Julianne Cross?”
“Here,” I said quietly. I heard the light murmurs and blushed. The professor continued calling the names of the other twenty girls in the class, but my thoughts were on her.

“Jules! Wait up.” I had walked quickly out of class as soon as the professor let us leave, hoping to avoid the inevitable confrontation. I stopped, cursing my inability to ignore her voice, the raspy sound- still the same as I remembered it- causing a shiver to run down my spine.
“Juli.” She grinned at me, making my heart flutter. Does she know what she still does to me?
“Hey Mel,” I said in my quiet voice. My brown hair fell into my eyes when I looked down at my scuffed sneakers. We stood there for a few moments in silence, before she spoke.
“How have you been?” How have I been? How have I been?! How does she think I’ve been? For the past nine months I’ve been away, while she enjoyed her… time off, I’ve been miserable. I quit school because of her! I had finally managed to get the courage to go back, hoping that somehow she might have forgotten about me, and I would have had a peaceful time here.
I shook my head in response, meeting her curious gaze. How dare she. How dare she think she can just… ignore everything that happened? How dare she even ask that kind of question, when she obviously knows the answer to it.
“Jul… baby-”
“Don’t you dare call me that.” I myself was surprised by my reaction, but I think I gave her a shock.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, looking at me with sorrow filled eyes. I shook my head again and walked away, this time able to ignore her pleas.

Sleep evaded me that night. I tossed and turned, remembering the way her eyes looked when I snapped at her. I finally gave up on sleep when I began to remember how her hands felt as she rubbed my back, soothing me into a deep sleep. My thoughts went back to earlier, once again thinking about the sorrow I had seen. I remembered only one other time when she looked at me that way, nine months ago. She tried to plead with me that time, begging for my forgiveness. How was I supposed to believe that she loved me when she was fucking another woman?

It wasn’t like she was drunk. She was stone-cold sober. And yet… I walked into her apartment, hearing moans and a light squeal. I should have known then, but I was practically innocent… I didn’t even think that something like that would happen. And there she was on her bed, lapping at the girl’s cooch like no tomorrow. I was shocked, to say the least. My heart leaped out of my chest and shattered into pieces, and I was defenseless. I gasped, nearly fainting. I put out a hand to steady myself against the doorframe, words stuck in my throat like the useless tools they were. I don’t think I had any words at all to describe what I felt. My pulse pounded through my body, which had been thrown into overdrive. My first instinct was to run, but I was frozen in place against the doorframe of her bedroom.

And there they laid, completely oblivious to my presence. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk… all I could hear were the moans as my Mel- MY Mel- ate some other girl out. And then.. I saw her grab the dildo… the one we had used twice before. The one I gave her as a joke birthday gift. The glass shone in the light as she slipped it into the woman’s wetness, thrusting in tenderly, almost lovingly.

I hadn’t noticed the tears that had been streaming down my face until a sob wrenched itself loose from my body, causing Mel and the other woman to look towards the door. I lifted a hand to my mouth, covering it as more sobs made their way out, tears pouring out even faster. I sank to the ground, covering my face with both hands. I heard movement, then light footsteps walk across the wooden floor. I felt her crouch next to me, and I could hear the sadness in her voice when she spoke.

“I’m sorry.” I was sorry, too. I was sorry that I had trusted her. I was sorry that I had fallen for someone so much older than me- I was 18 and she was 33, for Christ’s sake! I vowed to myself then and there that I wouldn’t let myself fall for any more traps.
“I am, too.” I looked up at her, and there was that sorrowful look that nearly broke my heart all over again.

I ended up taking a semester off to regain my senses. I knew I would need time to get over what had happened, but I didn’t expect for it to take longer than nine months. Apparently it would take longer than that by far.

She seemed to follow me everywhere on campus during that first month. She would try to sit with me while I was eating lunch and dinner, she followed me into the coffee shop to get my morning coffee, she even followed me to all of my classes one week. I think my ignoring her just spurred her on to try even harder, much to my dismay. One day after classes had ended, I had a meeting with my counselor. I left quickly after the meeting, walking down the short hallway leading to the stairwell. I was surprised to see her walking down from the upper floors, and I tried to avoid a confrontation.

“Jules?” I turned away from her, my eyes snapping to the floor.
“Jules… don’t- don’t shut me out like this. Please?”
“Mel, I can’t help it. It’s too complicated.” Complicated? No. She fucking cheated on you, you idiot!
“Complicated? What the hell is complicated about this? I love you! And I thought you loved me, too.”
“Do you not understand that you completely ripped my heart to pieces by cheating on me? I can’t love you anymore. I refuse to love you. You can’t love me anyway, because I’ve completely changed.” A tear slipped down my cheek and I angrily wiped it away.
“Julianne, no matter how much you change, I will always love you.” Another tear slipped out and fell to the floor. I felt her arms wrap around me from behind, her chin resting on my shoulder. “I love you so much,” she said softly.
“How is that possible, Mel? You don’t know anything about me anymore.”
“Then tell me.”
“I was pregnant.” She tensed and pulled away from me, then turned me around.
“’Was?’” I nodded, feeling more tears fighting their way out.
“He… he beat me when.. W-when I told him. I was four months along, and.. And he beat me.” Sobs wracked my body as I slid to the floor, sitting on the first step of the flight. I felt her arms around me once more, her hands running through my hair. I could hear soft whispers of reassurance from her as we sat there.
“That’s no reason for me not to love you, Juli.” I nodded as the tears slowed.

Ten years later

I sat there, nervously fiddling with my charm necklace. I was dressed in white today, while my daughter- our daughter- was in a light purple dress, holding her flowers nicely, just like I told her to. I smoothed the non-existent wrinkles out of my gown, then held my daughter’s hand as we walked down the aisle together. I smiled, locking eyes with the love of my life.

‘Juli, I want you to know that you are the only one for me. I will never be able to love another as much as I love you. I swear, it was love at first sight, but you are my soul mate, my other half.’ I watched as she pulled out a long, thin box. ‘Will you marry me?’ she said with a smile. I nodded, unable to speak as tears flowed unchecked down my face. She opened the box, revealing the most beautiful charm necklace I’d ever seen. ‘Look at the back, baby.’ I turned over the charm and read the back. "If you want to be loved, be lovable." I knew, right then and there, that the woman standing in front of me would be the one to stand by me for the rest of our lives.

Vows were spoken in front of a crowd of one hundred of our closest friends and family, all there to witness the rare beauty of two souls that had learned to love together. As we shared our first married kiss, our hearts soared as one.