You Spurn My Natural Emotions

[Peyton]

Today’s the day we’ve been waiting for over the past few weeks – Alexis’ 18th birthday. Trinity and I decided that if Alexis wants to stay, then we’ll let her. We’re quite happy to exclude her from paying bills and rent, but she’ll have to get a part-time job to fund any money she wants to spend on herself. After all, part of the money the Bensons left us is going in an account for when she turns 21. See? Trinity and I can be grown-ups!

Well, we did jump on her bed repeatedly to wake her up this morning, but you get the point. Right now we’re watching Alexis open her presents. And by we, I mean me, Trinity, Matt, Brian, Zacky, Jimmy and Johnny. I kept catching Alexis looking at Johnny and vice versa, but I brushed that thought from my mind. There wouldn’t be anything going on there. Right now Alexis was on her last gift. This one was a joint present between Trinity and I, on top of our individual presents. Alexis frowned when she pulled out a letter, but then her jaw dropped.

“A-Are you serious?” she squeaked.

“Fuck yeah,” Trinity grinned.

“What is it?” Brian asked, confused.

“Trinity and Peyton have paid for me to get a tattoo,” Alexis grinned.

“Suh-weet!” Brian cheered, high-fiving her.

She giggled, blushing lightly. Still so shy.

“We can go get it whenever you’re ready,” I told her.

Alexis just squealed and ran out the room and across the hall into her bedroom, making us all laugh. Well that was fast.

*

Less than 20 minutes later, Trinity pulled up outside the tattoo parlour we’d chosen. Alexis squealed with excitement, almost leaping out the car. I laughed along with Trinity, the two of us linking arms with her as we entered the studio. The same heavily tattooed, shaved headed guy that served us before was standing behind the front desk, and he waved as we walked over.

“Welcome back ladies. I assume this is the birthday girl?” he asked.

“I’m Alexis,” she said confidently, a big smile on her face.

Wow, it’s amazing what the prospect of a tattoo can do to a person.

“Alright, well Chris will be ready for you in a few minutes, so if you take a seat?” the guy said.

We just nodded and sat down. Only 5 minutes later a tall short-haired man walked over. Judging by the impressive tattoos running up and down his arms, I knew Alexis’ tattoo would turn out amazing.

“Alexis?” he smiled.

She stood up, smiling shyly.

“Okay, if you follow me over to my station, we can get started. What is it that you want and where do you want it?” Chris asked.

Luckily Chris’ station was close to our seats, so we could still see and hear.

“Well I want it on my pelvis, so under my belly button and just poking into my jeans. I was wondering if you could do a combination of the symbols of my two favourite bands? The Deathbat and the heartagram,” Alexis asked nervously.

“Avenged Sevenfold and HIM?” Chris asked.

“Yeah. A7X have had a big impact on my life recently, and HIM remind me of my birth mom. She was from Finland, Helsinki in particular, and used to play them all the time until I was 7,” Alexis explained.

“Why only 7?” Chris asked curiously.

“She died of cancer and I went into foster care,” Alexis said with a shaky smile.

Chris stayed silent for a few seconds, before looking up at Alexis.

“Okay, I’ve got a few ideas,” he smiled.

3 hours later, Alexis was finished. Chris let us see the tattoo before he wrapped it up, and damn, it’s amazing. Instead of the skull in the deathbat, the heartagram was in the middle with two skeleton wings either side. And there was purple shading underneath the two symbols. It was beautiful.

“Thank you so much!” Alexis gushed.

“No problem, Alexis. I hope to see you again soon,” Chris said warmly.

We thanked him too, and soon enough the three of us were back in the car.

“That is a bad ass tattoo,” I grinned.

“The guys will love it,” Trinity added.

“Thanks,” Alexis grinned, her fingers running lightly over the bandages.

We were silent for a while, until Alexis opened her mouth.

“I don’t want to leave,” she blurted.

“What?” I frowned.

“I know I’m 18 now, and you two probably don’t want me in your lives anymore, but I don’t want to leave. I like it here. The Bensons are the only people that ever made me feel like I belonged, and you two have done the exact same. I just…I don’t want to leave,” Alexis said quietly.

Trinity and I looked at each other. Trinity raised her eyebrow. I shrugged. Trinity raised her eyebrow a bit higher. I chewed my bottom lip. Trinity’s eyebrow went back to it’s normal place. I smiled.

“You’re more than welcome to stay with us,” I finally said.

“You mean that? You both mean that?” Alexis asked hopefully.

“Sure kid,” Trinity nodded.

“Oh thank you so much! I swear you won’t regret it!” Alexis said happily.

“Yeah yeah, don’t pee on the leather,” Trinity teased.

Alexis blushed as Trinity and I laughed. I smiled reassuringly at Alexis, before turning to face the front of the car again. Things were going to change around here, I can feel it.

*

[Trinity]

I smiled as Alexis rushed over to Johnny to show him her tattoo. There is so something going on there. I don’t know what to think about Alexis’ decision. I mean, it’ll be awesome to have another member added to our family, especially since we rarely let anyone in, but it’ll be strange having not just Peyton and I together anymore. Then again, it hasn’t been just Peyton and I since we fucking moved here. I walked into the kitchen, picking up the mail that we’d discarded this morning to focus on Alexis’ birthday. In the small pile was a letter addressed to me. Uh, okay? I tore it open, pulling out a letter.

Trinity,

I found out you’ve still been talking to Mikey. This has got to stop! Not only is it tearing him apart still after all this time, but he’s moved on. Yes, you read that right. Mikey has a girlfriend. Or should I say fiancé. He proposed last week. I’ve never seen him happier, and if you really love him you’ll let him be happy. Stop letting him call you. Stop calling him. Stop replying to his letters. Stop writing letters. Just stop. Alicia is a great girl, and he loves her. Without you out of the picture, their marriage won’t work. And damnit I want the marriage to work. I can’t stand watching my baby brother slowly spiral downwards. Just please, I’m begging you, cut yourself out of his life. I know you loved him, but think about what’s best for Mikey. That’s all I’m asking.

Gerard.

Shit. Motherfuckingshitballs. I-I can’t believe it. How did Gerard find out? We’ve been so secretive! Even Peyton hasn’t figured it out! I just couldn’t cut Mikey out of my life when I left Newark. It was too hard. I tried for months, but eventually I called the number I knew I shouldn’t, and we’ve been talking at least once a week since then. Mikey never mentioned anyone called Alicia, let alone that he was going to fucking propose to her! Fuck, and Gerard knows every word he said about letting Mikey be happy is the right thing to do.

“Trinity, what’s wrong?”

I turned around to see Peyton frowning. Raising my fingertips to my cheeks, I realised I was crying.

“Nothing. Fucking nothing,” I sniffed, hastily drying my cheeks.

“Don’t you dare feed me that bullshit,” Peyton said sharply.

I stared at her for a few seconds, before shoving the letter into her hands. I can think of only one solution – my best friend José Cuervo.

“Is this for fucking real?” Peyton asked, shock and confusion mixing in her voice.

“Yes,” I muttered, finally finding a full bottle.

“You’ve been talking to Mikey this entire time and you didn’t tell me?!” Peyton shouted.

I rolled my eyes, standing upright.

“I haven’t talked to him since we got to this fucking town. I just thought he was busy, and now I know who he was busy with,” I said simply.

“Fuck, I can’t believe this,” Peyton growled.

I just shook my head and headed to the stairs.

“Where the fuck are you going? I’m not finished talking to you!” Peyton said angrily, following me.

“Well I’m done talking to you. Do you have any idea how much it tore my heart to leave Mikey? No, you don’t. You have no fucking clue. I tried for so long not to talk to him, but I just couldn’t do it. I fucking love him, okay? You have Matt, and I get it – you love him like no other. Well that’s just fucking great for you, isn’t it!” I shouted, tears building in my eyes.

“Trinity, I…”

“No, Peyton, you have no idea what it feels like inside my head and heart. This letter has finished my heart for good. I am tired of everything. I’m tired of loving someone that I can’t have. I’m tired of pretending that everything’s okay. And I’m tired of trying to move on with my life. I’m fucking tired. So for once, just leave me alone,” I ranted, clenching my fists.

Peyton’s eyes were filled with tears when I’d stopped talking, but I just clenched my teeth and carried on walking up my stairs. Tears poured freely down my cheeks as I entered my room, sobs ripping from my lips as soon as I’d closed the door. I quickly unscrewed the cap of the Cuervo, taking a gulp. The taste made me grimace, but I swallowed it anyway. Fuck, that burns.

It felt like hours later when my bedroom door was opened. I was clutching the empty bottle to my chest, my eyes blurry and swirling. I liked the numbness. It was soothing, in a way. I couldn’t tell who was in my room until I saw their piercing green eyes.

“Fuck off Zacky,” I mumbled.

Zacky ignored me and sat down on the edge of my bed, taking the bottle and placing it on the ground.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” Zacky asked sadly, brushing the hair from my face.

I don’t want him touching me. I don’t want his sympathy.

“To forget,” I slurred.

“I read the letter, Trinity,” Zacky confessed.

“Have some brownie points. You now know my dirty little secret,” I mocked.

“I don’t understand how you can try to hold onto something you lost so long ago,” Zacky said softly.

“You don’t know me, Baker. And you never will. So do yourself a favour and just leave,” I said angrily.

“I’m just trying to help you, Trinity. Why can’t you see that?” Zacky frowned.

“I don’t want your help. I never have and never will care about you Zacky. Never. So just stop,” I whispered, a couple of forbidden tears leaking from my eyes.

Zacky chewed his snakebites as he wiped the tears away, before he pressed a kissed to my forehead and left the room. With a whimper I curled into a ball, hugging my arms to my chest in an attempt to stop the throbbing. I can’t deal with this anymore.