I'll Have You Know I'm Scared to Death

Alex doesn’t come back though, not at all, Saturday. He doesn’t even come back on Sunday. He didn’t promise me he would, but I thought he would. He said he would. I texted him though, but he never texted me back. My guess, you ask?

My guess is that Alex and her made up and now they were all lovely dovey… again. I was hoping I was wrong. Praying too, actually. I was hoping he’d get there, calm her down and get her into a mental institute. Then have him come back and cuddle with me, watching some dumb Disney movie.

And sadly, my guess was right. I walked into school, in my usual long shirt and skinny jean attire, seeing them holding hands. It upsets my stomach and I can feel the food sloshing about. I shake my head and try to pass Alex, making it seem like I didn’t see him. I almost make my way fully past, Alex, when he sees me, but he doesn’t do anything. Well that’s a lie, he glares at me.

I avert my eyes to the ground and hurry along to the bathroom. I walk over to the sink and turn on the water. I splash it into my eyes.

Did he, did he really glare at me? Maybe I saw wrong… no. I know he was glaring. I bite my lip and squeeze my fist together until my knuckles turn white. I turn towards a stall and lock the door behind me. I take a seat on the toilet and put my heads in my hands, no longer fighting the tears back.

Why was I so in love with him that it hurt this much? Why did he have to have that whore as his girlfriend? Why did he glare at me? Did I do something wrong?

I wipe my tears on my sleeves and dig through my bag, pulling out my razor. I pull my pants around my knees and expose my healing thighs. I quickly make some lines up and down my skin. The tears roll down my face and onto the ground. I go to start on my wrists, but quickly stop remembering the doctor’s appointment I have next month. I roll my sleeve back down and go back to cutting up my thighs. I lean back against the wall and let the blood flow until I start to feel a little light headed. I wipe off the blood and pull out some gauze from my bag.

I flush the toilet of the bloody paper, that’s when the late bell rings. I sigh pulling my pants back up. I sit on the floor and close my eyes, resting my head on the wall. I would get up later and go to second period.

Its lunch and the table I sit at, is slowly filling up with my other ‘friends.’ Now it’s not like I don’t like them, it’s just Alex was my best friend.

“Zack, where’s Alex?” asks Rian, a boy with a short-almost a buzz cut- dark brown hair.

“He’s over with Taylor.” A brown eyed brunette with blonde streaks, points out. His name was Jack. He was pretty much the jokester of the group. He rolls his eyes, “I seriously thought they broke up, but I guess she has him around her finger.” He leans back, “She is definitely a piece of work... What do you think Caleb, Martin?”

Caleb just shakes his head, while Martin comments, “Don’t like her.”

“Zack?”

I shake my head and stare down at my peanut butter sandwich.

“Surely you have something to say! You two are like brothers, surely you have something to say about her!”

“I’d rather not talk about Alex.” I mumble, pulling the crust off.

“You two aren’t fighting are you?! It’s that bitches fault! Dude he loves you, I mean in well, you know what way. He knows the code. Bros before hoes.” Jack stands up, about to go confront Alex.

“Jack, stop. Let’s just leave this alone.” I plead, grabbing his arms, “What’s done is done. We’ll talk about what happened later. We need some off time.”

Jack sits down, with a sad look on his face. “I still REALLY don’t like her.”

Rian nudges me, “Hey how are you holding up?” he asks.

“I’m fine, what do you mean?” I question, raising my eyebrow.

“Come with me to the bathroom. I think we need to converse in secret.”

I nod, getting up throwing out my trash. We pass Alex and all of a sudden I stumble forward, as if I trip over something. I look down to see a pair of green skinny jean and black van clad legs.

Alex. I stare at him with wide eyes. What had I done to deserve this from him? We were friends two days again.

A second later a murmur of ‘Fag,’ is heard, and in Alex voice. What happened to fag being an immature word?

Rian pushes me along and I can hear him mutter, “I can’t fuck believe him.” He shakes his head and we walk into the bathroom. He checks the stalls for any people then locks the door.

“So, um Zee, this may be kind of awkward… and I’m not sure how to start. Please don’t get mad at what I say, okay?”

I nod, “Just say it; let’s just get the awkwardness passed.”

I say waiting, not really worried, there was NO way he could know about the cutting, or drugs. I mean we were close but not that close that he would know that stuff.

“You haven’t had a girlfriend in, god knows how long, 5th grade? And well, I know you’ve been asked out a bit and refused.”

No, he couldn’t, there’s no way he could know that. He wasn’t that good, was he?

“And then there’s the way you always stare at Alex. You stare at him differently then everyone else. Zack, are you… well are you gay?”

I swallow deeply and nod my head. “Yeah… I am.” I look down at my feet, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes, but all I feel are his arms."

Listen," he says, hugging me, "it's great that you are. I don't think you should have to hide it. I'm not going to be a dickhead like Alex."

"He doesn't know though."

Rian seems to be taken back by that statement. “So he was just saying that before to be a douche?””

“I-I don’t know.” I stutter my response.

“Am I the first to know?” He asks.

“No, my parents knew before.”

“Oh, well I feel special for being the first one in the group to know.”

I blush, feeling some what embarrassed. “Um, no problem.”

“You know, Zee, everybody else at the table deserve to know too. They’re just as accepting as me, you know. You do know that Jack’s cousin is gay right?”

I shake my head.

"Well his cousin is. He's completely fine with it."

"How do you know?" I ask, trying to find some reason to not tell them, to keep this a secret.

"Because, I was hanging with him and his cousin was at his house, with his boyfriend. His cousin and boyfriend were also making out and he didn't seem to care, actually he was egging the two on."

I smile, so seeing Jack doing that, "I... Well..."

"Zack, you don't have to, if you don't want to."

"No, I will. Later today I'll tell Jack and I'll tell Caleb and Martin within the week."

Rian grins at me, "It's good you’re gonna come out. It's terrible hiding who you are and you’re such an amazing person."

I blush; Rian always had a way with words. He could make anybody feel good, when they were having a shitty day. I should've spent more time with Rian, I'd probably cut less.

Rian puts his arms around me, "I'll be there for you if anybody puts you though shit." he squeezes me and I sigh.

"Thanks," I mumble, pulling back eventually. "Wanna head back?"

"Not yet. I have one more, well two more questions. Do you have a crush on someone?"

I shake my head 'yes' and wait for his follow up question.

"Do you, or did, you ever have a crush Alex?"

I nod sadly, "I still do and it hurts."

He hugs me again and rubs soothing circles into my back. "Hey don't start crying on me now! I know it hurts, but you can find somebody better, some one who won't call you names. Plus if you come out everybody else who's gay, will know you're available."

"Okay." I sigh, as Rian opens he door and we head back to the cafeteria, steering clear of Alex's table, which I am thankful for.

Rian takes his seat next to Jack and I slowly sit next to Martin. I loudly clear my throat, gaining all of their attention.

"Guys I have something to tell you." I my bottom lip and close my eyes, "I'm gay."

"Ha!" Jack exclaims, pointing at Caleb, "You own me ten bucks, bitch!"

Caleb glares and reaches for his wallet. Martin is the only one to be taken by sunrise by this whole thing.

"Wait what just happened?" Rian asks looking over at Jack.

"Caleb made a bet with me that, Zee wasn't gay. But you know me, with my gaydar and all, I could sense it."

I blush at this and Jack gets ups, pushes his way to sit next to me and throws his arm around my shoulder, "So when are you going to get your first boyfriend so I can have a little 'sit down and talk' with him?"

I grin, same old Jack. I turn and see Alex glaring at me. I instantly frown.

What a great way to ruin a good mood. Now Instead of having fun with all my friends, I just wanted to lock myself back in the bathroom stall and go to town on my thighs.

I shudder, realizing just how bad my cutting was getting. Maybe I did need help, but I couldn't, they'd take me away from my friends, but it couldn't be worse then how Alex was making me feel now.