I'll Have You Know I'm Scared to Death

I’m not sure what happened to me. All I remember is blacking out in the doctor office. It’s not like I could faint from lack of food. I had plenty of calories stored in my body I needed to burn off. What could have happened? I try wracking my brain for any possible answer. Could I have over heated? No, that happened to quickly... Or did it? Fuck I should have paid better attention in health.

Shit, what if they took me to the hospital? I could be set up to an IV right now, taking away everything I worked hard on. I know it wasn't that much work but still, it took me awhile. I couldn't be set back a week though, that would be one more week Alex would hate me. I-I just can't live like this. I never thought being without Alex would be so painful, but then again I never thought I'd be without him. Did I really want to wake back up into a life where he hated me, the one person I loved? The one person who broke my heart everyday. No, I didn't, but I had to. It's not like I could mysteriously vanish... and if I was connected to an IV, the less time with one in the better.

I sigh softly, sitting up and rubbing at my sleep filled eyes. I first look down at my arms, nope, no IV. I was good... Shit did anyone see my scars? I nervously looking down at my arms. Nothing. They were still covered up. No one knew, my secret was safe. I scan the room taking in every detail. Jade green, poster covered walls; thick, sun-blocking, black curtains; clean organized desk and the two doors both wide open. One led to a hallway the other to an atrocious, clothing littered closet. I was...

Home.

I let out a relieved breath I seemed to be holding. I get up slowly, staggering a bit before capturing my balance. I was fine. I didn't have to worry about anything, besides winning back Alex and losing weight. I would be completely fine afterwards.

I walk over to my bathroom turning the latch behind me. I pull off my shirt, avoiding the mirror. I didn't need reminding that I was disgusting. I tug at my jeans, having more difficulty then normal. Fuck, did I gain weight? I grimace at the thought. I pull off my boxers once I manage to get my skinnies off. I bite my lip advancing towards the scale, praying that I was just having problems getting them off because I was rushing or something dumb. One foot touches the cool metal, followed by the other.

The number bounces back and forth before settling on a number, I glance at it slowly. The number scowled at me in a bright vivid red.

One hundred and seventeen.

I slump my shoulders. Mainly because I hadn’t gained any weight but then is disappointment because I had only lost one pound. I mean sure it was something, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t eat anything today, no matter what.

I tread towards the shower mess around with the handle, adjusting the temperature so it wasn’t to hot but not to cold. I step in and let the water cascade down my body. I let out a quiet moan of comfort before grabbing the shampoo and squeezing out a generous amount onto my hand, I massage the liquid substance into my scalp. I leave it in as I rub soap onto a towel to wash my body. I run the towel over my body. After awhile my whole body is covered in bubbly suds. I take this as the time to let the water spray it off, followed by the shampoo running out of my hair and down the drain.

I step out of the shower reaching for a towel that was hanging over the shower curtain railing. I take the towel to my hair, moving it around as it drinks up the water. I wrap the towel around my waist and walk towards my dresser. I pull out some jeans and a shirt, giving up on wearing a hoodie today. I still had no idea as to what caused me to faint yesterday, and for all I know it could have been that. That and the scars on my arms weren’t that noticeable.

I tug at the jeans and bring them up to my thighs and then up to my waist. I button them, without looking. It disgusted me when I did. I work my tank top over my head and then begin to fasten the buttons on my shirt. I wasn’t that big a fan of these shirts but I got this one as a gift… from Alex.

I frown at the memory. I should probably get rid of this shirt after this too many good times came with it. I finish up my morning routine with combing my hair. My semi-damp hair sticks in place where I comb it. I shake my hand in my hair, making it look a little more natural. I frown at it still; I needed to do something to this. This color was too much like Alex’s.

I step outside my room and walk down the stairs into the living room. The television is buzzing softly and I see two heads from behind the couch. One the left there is short brown hair sticking up and on the right there is very neat and combed brown hair. My dad and Peter. I sit down on the chair across from them and offer them both a week smile. They both return it and my dad bites his lip.

“How are you feeling, Zack?” my dad asks, concerned look.

I roll my shoulders at him and respond with a question, “What happened to me yesterday?”

“You had an anxiety attack, Zee.” My brother answers for him.

I nod looking at my feet. It probably had to deal with me having White Coat Syndrome. You get high levels of anxiety with it. At least it didn’t have to do with me over heating. “Where’s mom?” I inquire.

“She’s at the pharmacy, picking up your new medication for the anxiety, because of yesterday. The doctor thought it would be best if you started taking it.”

I nod and lean back in my chair. “How long have I been asleep?”

My dad thinks for a second, “Well you fell asleep around three and woke up now… well, almost twenty-four hours.”

“Wait, what time is it?” I jump; it couldn’t have been past eleven.

“Two, forty-seven,” my dad says glancing at his watch.

I fall back into my seat. Wow, I was out for a while. My brother eyes me before speaking.

“You hungry?” he wonders aloud.

I shake my head, looking over at the television. There was some show about some family on. They all seemed happy in the show and there best friends didn’t hate them… like mine did.

I get up as the younger brother and his friends go to the friend’s house to hang out. I couldn’t take it. It felt like it was mocking me and I didn’t need that, not now. I walk around, trying to find something to do, but settle on getting a glass of water and sitting at the counter. I sip at the water, staring at the clock.

Maybe my mom could take me to the store to buy some hair dye and then I could dye in later. It would be one less thing that would remind me of Alex, even though this stupid blonde color was my natural color. I tap on my glass, wishing my mom would get home soon, giving up a moment later and going back into the living room. My stomach rumbles in protest as I walk out.

“Behave,” I mumble to it. “You’re not getting anything today, so just shut it.”

My stomach grumbles back, but I ignore it and casually stroll about my house. No point in staying still, when I could at least be burning calories. I walk up and down the stairs, knowing it would use more muscles to do so. I sprint back up to the top and enter my room.

My phone lies on my desk. The red light was flashing, letting me know I had a text or a missed call. I pick it up and put in my password and head on over to my inbox. It was a call from my mom.

Hey Zee, I’m going to the grocery store, do you need anything, or do you want me to pick you up? Let me know. Did you eat anything today? I am also hoping your father told you what happened yesterday. If not I’ll tell you later.

I text her back saying that I’d like to go, mostly to convince her to let me dye my hair even if it was just streaks or something. She replies about a minute later telling me she was going to be here soon and to wait outside. She repeats her question of asking me if I ate. I ignore it and walk out to the end of the driveway, after telling my dad where I was going.

I pull my iPod out of my pocket and put it on shuffle. Zeeway Avenue comes on and I sit beside my mailbox. I close my eyes feeling slightly tired, which confuses me slightly. I take a deep breath, feeling relaxed for once. The breeze was amazing in the warm weather.

Next thing I know, I’m being shaken awake, forcefully, might I add. I glare at the person shaking me awake, through sleep filled eyes… wait… I fell asleep? When did this happen. My mom stands in front of me with a concerned look on her face. She offers me a smile.

“Are you okay?” she asks, lending a hand to help me up.

I nod, and dust dirt off of myself, “Yeah, it’s just it’s so peaceful out here, ya know?”

My mom smiles at me, “I know what you mean. We ready to go?”

“Yeah,” I head towards the passenger seat and sit down. I rummage around for the cord I can plug my iPod into. I pull it out from the backseat and plug it into the auxiliary plug; soon my music is blasting from the car speakers.

“So… Zee, what do we need from the store?” my mom asks, eyeing me from the mirror as she pulls onto the road.

“Hair dye,” I respond, waiting for her reaction.

She only nods and continues with the question, “What color?”

“Umm… black?” it sounds more like a question then a statement.

“We’ll see what I can do.” She smiles at me.

I grin, that was a definite yes.

“What brought on your want of dying your hair?” my mom asks, stopping at a red light.

“Change.” I reply, tapping my fingers on the dashboard, matching the current song playing tempo.

My mom seems to frown a bit, moving the car as the red light fades and green light turns on.

A little later we pull into the parking lot outside of Stop and Shop. My mom quickly finds a man pushing about twenty cars. She follows after him; she has this determined look on her face. And to say that I’m not embarrassed at the moment would be an understatement. I walk towards the entrance as my mom continues to stalk the cart returning man.

I wait there for a few moments before my mom saunters in with a proud look on her face.

I ignore it and follow her through the produce. She picks up some bananas and apples, asking for my preference about grapes. It’s not like I’m really go to eat that much of them, but I answer her question anyway.

She seems to grimace that I have no interest in the fruit. “Do you want a different kind of fruit, instead?”

“Nah,” I respond, feeling in my stomach grumble, responding to my mom.

“You never answered my question earlier, did you eat today?”

“Yeah,” I lie, “I had a peanut butter sandwich”

My mom nods, heading to shampoo and conditioner. She walks further down the isle to the hair dye. We stand in front of the display in silence, my eyes scanning it. I scratch my head staring at it.

“Hmmmm,” I hum. Blonde, brown, ginger, red. Nope, nope and nope. I bend down and look at the lower rows, quickly seeing the ‘funkier’ colors. I grab the black tube of dye and hand it to my mom. She reads over the directions, nodding before throwing it into the cart.

“We’ll do it later and you can show Rian tomorrow when you see him. Maybe I should dye some of my hair, give the people at work something to talk about.” My mom smiles.

I roll my shoulders, not really caring. I did care, about the fact we had a three day weekend and I was going to be hanging with Rian. I needed his optimism back. Ever since I came out, my life has been kind of shitty. I mean most of the jocks didn’t bother me because we live in a pretty accepting town. But there were some of those people who had their brains filled with homophobic thoughts. I mean it didn’t bother me that they were religious; I used to be just lost a lot of those feelings, but I disagree with a lot of the bible.

I keep my eyes cast down and follow my mom to the check out. It felt good to get out of the house, but I really hated that everybody at the store could see me. I mean, they came here to shop not to see some disgusting fat kid. I let out a quiet un-bearable sigh.

“Isobel!” My mom shouts, calling the owner of the name closer.

I curse out silently to myself. Fuck, no this could not be happening. Out of every possible person my mom knows (and she knows a lot of people), it was her. Some one must have hated me, for this to happen. Out of all the days to go shopping she picked today.

“Liz, Zack it’s good to see you!” She smiles walking towards us, pulling on her son’s arm. The son bites his lip and looks at everyone but me.

Typical. He hated this awkward meet up just as much as I did, nut he was probably just annoyed that he had to look at me. Alex and awkward did not, and will never, mix.

“Zack… long time no see and look at you! There’s nothing to you! What happened?”

I frown, “No, there is. What are you seeing?” I mumble.

I know I lost some weight but not enough for the comment ‘There’s nothing to you.’ I still had at least ten more pounds to go and still I wouldn’t be close to that comment. Why was she trying to make me feel better, too? And in front of Alex none the less?

Alex’s mom seems to ignore what I say and continues on talking to my mom. We both stand there quietly. I bite my lip and turn my attention back to my iPod. I shuffle my iPod again and skip every song, making me look busy.

“Zack, dear, did you hear what I just said?” Isobel asks.

“He’s got those damn earphones in again,” My mom comments.

I blush, “Um, what?”

Isobel smiles at me, almost as say ‘it’s fine, I’m not offended you weren’t listening.’ “When am I going to see you at my house again? It’s been three weeks. I miss seeing you, I’m sure Alex does too.” She nudges him, “Right Alex?”

He doesn’t look at me and mumbles a response of, “Yeah.”

My mom gives me a pity smile and goes back to talking to Isobel. “I’m going to go wait in the car. I’ll see you when you’re done.”

My mom nods and continues talking. Alex perking up as I walk away, smile on his face.

I feel hurt. He still hates me. Why? I’m making progress, his mom noticed. Why couldn’t he and Taylor? I was trying so hard. Why couldn’t they see too?

I close my eyes and lean my head on the window. I needed it to be tomorrow. I needed to be away from all this.

My mom comes out a little later and we drive home mostly in silence. As we approach the house I unplug my iPod and wrap the headphones around it and put it in my pocket. I help my mom bring the groceries into the house. I sit on a chair as she begins putting them away.

“Zee?” I look up at her. “You see the blue shopping bag over there? Your anxiety meds are in there. You take two pills everyday. Take them with food.”

I nod and stay in the chair.

“I meant now, Zack.”

I freeze. I wasn’t supposed to eat today. I walk over nervously and open the orange pill case, grabbing two of the pills. I grab an apple. I put the pills in my mouth and pretending to take a bite and swallowing.

“There, I’ll be upstairs them.”

My mom hums in response.

As I walk up the stairs, I take the pill out of my mouth. I throw them out as I enter the room. If I had to eat, I wasn’t going to take the pills. I take a bite out of the apple and spit it out leaving the apple on my desk. At least if my mom walked in later she’d think I had taken the meds. I didn’t need the meds it was a one time thing, what had happened. And it just happened to take place in the doctor’s office, my only mistake.

Rian smiles at me when he sees me standing at the door. I can’t help but smile back, as cheesy as it sounds, his smile was contagious. He steps aside and lets me in. I take off my shoes and head to his living room.

We sit on his couch and he grins, “I like what you did to your hair.”

I blush and look down at my hands. “You do?” I run my hand throw my newly black dyed hair.

“You don’t?” he asks.

“No, I-I do… I just wasn’t sure if anybody else would.”

“Well, I do.”

“I know… you just said that…”

“Are you okay?” he looks at me funny.

“I- um, yeah, why?” I question.

“You’re acting weird. Seriously, what’s up?”

I bite my lip, “I, um, saw Alex at the grocery store yesterday. And well… our moms started talking and Alex’s mom brought up that I haven’t been to her house lately. Then she asked Alex and he said ‘yeah.’ I don’t think he wanted to say anything… I just… I don’t know what to think.”

I can feel hot tears start to form in my eyes and start to sting. I try and not blink, anything to keep them from falling. I was done crying over Alex. Rian scoots closer and puts his arms around me.

“Its okay, Zee.” He pulls me onto his lap and leans against the couch. One of his hands run up and down my upper arm. “Shhh, don’t cry. It’s going to be okay, hun.”

I close my eyes, as the tears fall down and cry into his chest. If I was going to cry, then at least no one was going to see.

Rian keeps hushing me until far after the tears stop. He rubs my back and I lean back and look at him.

“You’re a good friend.”

Rian smiles, “Thanks.” His smile soon fades though and I’m kind of wondering as to what.

“W-what?” I stutter.

He doesn’t answer and grabs my wrists. “… Zee… what, what is this?” his other hand points to one of the more visible scars on my wrist.

My eyes widen. He wasn’t supposed to know. This was supposed to be my dirty little secret. Think up a lie, Zack, come on you can do it, quickly.

“Um, when I had a cat a couple years ago he scratched me and the cuts never faded after they healed.”

He nods, “I just never saw them before.”

I shrug my shoulders, “They’ve been there for years.” I lie, getting off of him as I feel my phone go off in my pocket.

My expression becomes horrified as I see the text.

It was from Alex.