I'll Have You Know I'm Scared to Death

I gulp as I look at the screen on my phone. His name flashes violently. I bite my lip and put my phone back in my pocket, I’d read it when I got home. If it was bad, I didn’t want to cry again in front of Rian. I lie back on Rian’s chest and close my eyes, thinking.

“Who was that?” Rian asks.

“Umm, no one. Don’t worry about it.” I mumble into his chest.

“Zee…You can tell me.”

“It was just my mom.” I lie.

He arches an eyebrow as if to question, but opts out by sighing and shrugging his shoulders. I know he's waiting me to say something. He had like a sixth sense about me.

I bite my lip, maybe I should say something, let him know that Alex was still hurting me. I internally shake my head. That was a dumb idea; he'd just think I was weak for letting TaylorAlex's words affect me like they had have.

"Zee, deep breaths buddy. You’re like hyperventilating." Rian speaks quietly, almost as if he's not trying to further upset me. "You sure everything’s okay?"

I nod, not meeting his gaze.

"Okay, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Of course."

"So... I think we should go out and do something. Go strut around the mall looking for a cute guy that's interested in you." he grins.

My heart beats erratically. Alex could be there. Taylor could be there. This was not a good idea, plus who would want to date someone disgusting like me, someone who self mutilates? No one, Alex had his doubts that drugs were as deep as it went. He probably knew I cut. That's probably another reason he left.

"I don't, I don't think that’s a great idea." I whisper, eyes downcast and dull. "Can’t we just hang out here, at your house?"

"No, I really think you need to get out more. It will be good for you, that, and there ain't shit here to eat. The mall has like infinite possibilities. You could get lik a peanut butter, pickle sandwich there!"

I gag, food was pretty nasty (well lately to me), but I'm pretty sure any sandwich with pickles is nasty. "Its fine, I can fend for myself in you house." I fake laugh.

"Please Zee? Do it for me? You always seem so down lately and the mall always makes you happy."

I bite my lip, mentally weighing the option of telling Rian. Fuck it.

"I don't want to go because I don't want to see THEM." I let out a deep breath and wait for him to huff and call me stupid, but that time never comes.

He smiles and tousles my hair, "Don't worry kid. I won't let them say shit to you. That and apparently Alex's been grounded indefinitely. Well according to my mom, who heard it from Isobel. That and there’s a big school football game in another state Taylor has to cheerlead for. We'll be fine, please let's go?"

I close my eyes, exhaling. I stare at him for awhile, before giving him the okay. He grins grabbing me and lifting me up, it's a wonder he can do so. I squeal as he almost drops me, proceeding to spin me around. He hums a simple tune, deciding to add lyrics as he puts me down, and then pulls his shoes on.

I can't understand what he's saying at first, sliding on my own shoes and reaching for my hoodie. I grab my phone and stuff it into my jacket pocket, as if the whole object was offensive and not just one text.

"Gonna go get Zack a hot boyfriend, gonna get him a boy toy. They're gonna be so fucking happy and sappy. They're gonna date forever, all because I got Zack to go to the mall."

"Ri, shut up. No ones going to be interested in me. All the girls will hit on you and I'll stand to the side while homophones laugh at me."

Rian huffs, rolling his eyes at me. "Stop being so fucking self conscious and negative. We're going to hang out and perhaps look for some one that will like you."

"I'm never going to find anyone who likes me, I'm too disgusting." I whisper to myself, hoping Rian doesn't hear.

-~*~-

"Yeah mom, we just got to the mall. Yes mom, I'll call you when were about to leave. Ah-huh, yeah we're having lunch here, okay, love you too. Bye." I flip my phone shut and give Rian an apologetic smile. "Sorry, my moms so fucking protective."

He laughs, "Its okay. She's always been like that, but I can understand why she'd be like that."

I scrunch up my nose in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Well you're really pretty for a boy, so rapists and pedophiles are attracted to you... That and you look fucking thirteen. Don't worry though it's cute."

I blush shaking in my head, "no I'm not."

"Yes you are, very cute."

"Shut up, Ri.”

"It’s a compliment, accept my compliment!" he runs his hands up and down my pudgy sides, in an attempt to tickle me. He succeeds at first, before I push his hands off of me and away.

He frowns at me and lots down at his shoes in thought. I don question it and walk slowly towards the one of the many doors into the mall. Rian trails behind for a moment, before walking in front of me and leading me around and around, into one store out of another.

He finally leads me into hot topic, stating if I was to find a guy, I should get a new pair of skinnies. I shudder at the thought; this was not going to be fun. And as soon as I started to protest Rian told me he didn’t need me to co-operate, he could still get me to try them on, with or without his help. He had friends who worked there and wouldn't care if he forced me into the dressing room to put on clothes... I'm going to stop here, this sort of sounds like he's about to molest me...

"Zee, I swear they never have your size in skinnies for guys. You're a 25 right?"

I nod; he flips through the racks again, signing out in frustration.

"Fuck this, you've bought girl pants before right?" he asks. At first I think he's joking but his face has no sign of a lie.

I bite my lip. "... Er, once on a dare."

"Do you remember what size you are?"

I shake my head. "No, but I think you just subtract 21."

He nods, "so that makes you like a four, give or take a few." More like take a few I think. "Do they even sell even numbers? Nevermind they don’t. So that makes you a five. Fuck, dude, you wear some small ass pants." he laughs walking over to the girl’s side of the store. He flips throw a rack of black jeans, taking note on all the differences. He pulls out two different pairs, one with red belt loops and threading and the other pure black. "I think, if you wore either of these, the boys will be swarming."

I blush, taking both and getting into the dressing room. I roll off my pants and slide on the plain black ones, opening the door. I let Rian look me over. I bite my lip scanning the pants for any defect. He wrinkles his nose, finding a fault.

"Those... Are kinda of loose, don't you think?"

I raise an eyebrow, looking down at them, sure they pooled down around my ankles but I thought they looked okay... At least for someone like me.

"Just see." he grabs the seem of the pants and pulls it snug around my leg. "You’re at least a size smaller."

I shuffle around, nodding okay. "I'll get you the smaller size." he continues, walking back to the shelf, I can hear Rian talking to his lady friend at the counter. At first I'm surprised because the music isn't normally blaring. It was some soft indie music playing... I think it was nevershoutnever. Any who, I heard them muttering.

"Need a bigger size?" she asks, "it's not always as easy as subtracting 21 from a guy’s size."

“No, no he needs a smaller size. He's so fucking tiny. I mean like it's normal for girls, but guys are usually different."

"You mean he's a three? Wow, I only know a handful of girls, that are that small, well, who don't have eating disorders."

"Eh he's just like his mom. They're both like this. And vegetarians are usually small... And he doesn't eat a lot of crap food."

I can only guess that the lady friend nods. A few seconds later there's a knock on the door. I open it and am handed the smaller pair of the red and black.

"Sorry the solid black ones don't have this size."

I shake my head, quickly pulling on the jeans, they're a bit tight around my thighs, but my thighs were disproportional.

I turn around in the mirror, looking for something to point out, something I didn't like about these, but before I can Rian's knocking at the door, yelling something about wanting to see.

I oblige, slowly, motioning the door open. He grins at the pants. "dude those are great! They make your ass look spectacular."

"Shut up, Ri. And you say you're not gay."

"I'm not, but you are attractive."

I close the door in his face and take off the pants replacing them with mine. I exit and push the pants into his pants.

We pay for them and head to the food court. I nervously ring my hands out and look around, trying not to make eye contact with anybody for too long. We depart for a while, I go over to my usual place of food purchasing and order a salad, I probably won't eat. I hand the cashier a ten, receiving my change, salad and water. I walk over to Rian, who's still online for pizza. I shudder at the thought of all the calories in one slice.

"So Zee, do you know that junior John O'calla-something?"

"Um, brown hair with the hair?"

He nods, "yeah that one. What do you think about him?"

"I'm not sure. I mean, I heard he's nice but I mean I also heard he was a whore... Why?"

"Did you know he's gay?" Rian asks in between bites.

I shake my head, "well I heard rumors, but I thought he was bi... Why are you telling me this?"

"He told me he was interested in you. He didn't want to make a move, unless you were interested as well."

I nip at my lip, "listen Ri, I know you're trying to help, but I don't have the time for a boyfriend at the moment. Ever since... You know, I've been studying more and I have better grades. I don't need to get involved with anyone right now. I really need to get out of this town and the only way is with my grades."

Rian makes a face, "you're just making excuses, Zee, don't get mad at me for saying this but, you're afraid that he'll leave too."

I don't reply, finishing my water and throwing out my thrash. "I'll be right back." I mumble as I walk towards the restrooms.

Rian was right. It wasn't that I needed to focus on my studies; it was because I didn't want to lose someone I love again. I could not handle that. I'd rather me push people away, then them shove me and beat me into the dirt.

I head to the bathroom and... Do my business. I wipe my hands on some toilet paper and flush, exiting the stall and scrub my hands at the sink.

-~*~-

"Thanks for taking me to the mall today, Ri I had fun." I smile, surprised that I'm not faking it. "And um, thanks for the pants."

Rian grins, "no problem, see you in school tomorrow."

We wave goodbye and I head into my house and up to my room. My parents weren't home, which I was thankful for.

I head up to my bedroom, locking the door in the process… just incase this text was bad and I needed to take care of a few things…

I whip the phone out of my pocket sending my mom a text about being home. I scroll through my messages. And land on Alex’s name. I contemplate deleting. I bite my lip and decide to open the message. I was so fucking masochistic.

From the time my finger moves to hit the read and until it actually brushes up against the button it feels like it has been a long and strenuous hour, when in reality it’s only been a few seconds. I close my eyes before the message pops up.

Hey fat ass, stop being so disgusting and stop staring at me. I don’t like boys. Its disgusting and unnatural.

I take a deep shaky breath, deleting the message and getting of my ass. I head over to my desk, pulling open the top draw. I pop out the fake bottom, grabbing my razor. I haven’t used this in so long. I hold it up to the light and watch the sun bounce off of it. I pull my pants down to my thighs and make two quick lines on them, watching as the blood starts to pour out. I close my eyes, my head leaning back, as the pain washes over me. It felt so…good.

I’m about to make another line, but I stop myself. If I continued to cut they won. I wouldn’t let them win. I take the razor and head over to my window, opening it and throwing it as far as I can… into my neighbor’s yard. I move into the bathroom next, bandaging up the cuts, they weren’t that deed (thankfully, I had a habit of starting with really shallow, irritating cuts and moving on to deeper ones.)

I turn the mirror, frowning. Sure I didn’t need to cut. I never needed to cut… but I could still lose weight. I turn around scrutinizing my appearance. I still had a lot of weight to lose.

I sigh; things were never easy for me. I’m hoping just a little bit stronger, then I was before.