It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

I stared at the door in my room for a while, trying to compose myself and set my mind straight. Capper kissed me. I kissed him back. Why is that so hard for me to understand? We were kissing for five bloody minutes, which to me felt like only seconds. That must mean something. I enjoyed that kiss; in fact it was the best kiss I’ve had in my entire life, but it was with a boy... Not many straight guys would enjoy kissing him the way that I did. Does this mean that I'm gay? Was Capper right? This is so confusing. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

It wouldn't be as hard as it is if he didn’t have to come home early. Ciel told me he was working extra hours and them bam! In the middle of Capper and I kissing he decides the walk in! What are the chances? Stupid family. I suppose I can call them that now, kind of anyway.

“Lover boy!” I heard Sebastian shouting up the stairs to me. “Your food’s going cold.”

He just called me lover boy. Perfect, at least I don’t need to worry about what those two down there will be thinking. I already have my answer; they think that Capper and I are together.And part of me kind of wishes that we were . This is all I need. They know I'm not gay! Why are they being like this?

Nervously I made my way down the stairs and into the dining room. As I sat down at my chair, both Ciel and Sebastian turned to face me, smiling like the fools that they are. The looks they were giving me were really getting to me. Can’t they see that I just want to be left alone?

“So...” Ciel started as he put down his fork and left his food so that his full attention was on me. “Capper seemed...nice,” he said, trying to sound supportive. “Very polite,” he added, smiling at me.

I shrugged my shoulders at him and tucked into my spaghetti. Considering it was Ciel who cooked tonight instead of Sebastian it was actually pretty good. Usually Ciel is rather hopeless in the kitchen. Seriously, sometimes I even think that Grelle is better than him.

The safest thing for me to do right now if just keep my head down and act like I'm oblivious to everything that they’re saying. It’ll be easier that way.

“I take it you like him,” Ciel said after a noticeably long pause. “Right, Cadence?”

I looked up at him, most likely bright red. Why did Sebastian have to catch us? It’s not fair. If they hadn’t have found out I’d have been fine with it. I wouldn't care at all.

“Don't like boys,” I muttered, causing Sebastian to let out a slight chuckle. He clearly didn’t believe me,to tell you the truth I wasn't believing myself either .

“Sorry,” he apologized. “But, we of all people would understand and you do know that this isn't something to be ashamed of don’t you?”

“I don’t like him,” I mumbled, trying to convince myself that that was true. The thing is, deep down I know that I do like Capper. I'm just too scared to admit it. I-I might even love the guy, but it doesn’t feel right saying that or even thinking it really. He’s Capper, I'm not meant to like him.

“So why did you kiss him?” Ciel asked, sounding a little impatient. It looks like he was expecting me to just spit my guts out and tell him everything so easily.

I stared at him, feeling tears prickling over my eyes. I did it because I wanted to. I didn’t have to kiss back but I couldn’t help myself...

“I... don’t know,” I said with my lip quivering.

“Face it! You like him,” Sebastian said in a teasing voice. I seriously cannot believe this.

I nodded weakly at them and instantly felt a blush making its way onto my face. I dropped my head down and stared down at the table. I fell as if my mind has been invaded now. I like my thoughts and feelings being mine, but now they know...

“Cadence,” Ciel cooed, coming over and wrapping his arms around the back of me. I quickly shoved him off me, not feeling entirely comfortable in that position with him. “Erm... Is he the first guy you’ve liked?”

I nodded again blushing madly as I noticed a soft smile grace Sebastian’s lips as he got up and stood beside me with Ciel. Another thing; I enjoy having my personal space free of persons! (You know what I mean).

“Gay or bi?” asked Sebastian from beside me.

I wanted to say that I didn’t know but part of me knew the answer. It’s part of me that’s always known the answer.

“I’m g-gay,” I stuttered nervously, barely believing that I’d just told them that.

“And is Capper gay too?”

I have no idea. He kissed me, he wasn't grossed out with the incident when I fell on him, he asked if I was gay and he seems to actually care. When he sees me he always seems to brighten up and act happier; I'm guessing that must mean something.

“He m-might be,” I whispered, not particularly enjoying this conversation but I knew it was one that we’d have to have sooner or later.

“Did he kiss you or did you kiss him?” Sebastian asked me, sounding like he only wanted to know for a bit of gossip.

“He kissed me,” I whispered.

They looked at each other and then high fived. Yeah, they can be weird sometimes. You get used to it though.

“It looks like our little Cadey is going to have a boyfriend in a few days!” Sebastian shouted sounding a lot more enthusiastic than it’s normal to be.

Right then I heard the door open and Grelle stormed in, walking right into the middle of what was happening in the dining room. Sometimes I feel sorry for him when he ends up involved with things that are nothing to do with him.

“Cadence is not getting a boyfriend so just leave him alone,” he hissed at them.

They both looked at me. I think they’re asking for my permission whether or not to tell him. Weakly I nodded at them; he is my brother after all. He deserves to know, doesn’t he? Even if it’s only going to make things harder for me; I want him to know.

“Erm do you want to say or should I Cadey?” Ciel asked. I really hate it when those two call me Cadey; it’s so annoying.

“You,” I whimpered, not having the courage to do it myself. I can’t believe how much I want to cry right now. I shouldn’t get upset over this but I can’t help myself.

“Cadence is gay,” Ciel said softly, causing Grelle’s face to twist with confusion.

“No he’s not,” Grelle hissed, looking annoyed. “He likes girls!”

I shook my head at him and tried to smile but I couldn’t manage it. Smiling shouldn’t be as hard to do as it is for me right now. This isn't normal.

“Why do you think you’re gay?” he asked me, looking like he wanted rock hard visible proof, which I obviously couldn’t give him.

I wanted to tell him about Capper; about how we kissed; about the way I feel when I'm around him, but I knew he would react badly. Grelle hates Capper at the moment and if I found out how much that I like him, well I have no idea what he’d do then.

“He kissed a boy who he really likes and enjoyed it,” Sebastian answered for me. At least he didn’t tell him any names.

“What the hell Cade?!” Grelle shouted at me.

I jumped at the sudden raised volume, my body shaking all over. Why was he shouting? I thought he didn’t mind homosexuals; he’s never said anything about Ciel and Sebastian. So what’s his problem with me?

“You kissed a bloody guy! What were you thinking?” he yelled, standing up and staring right at me. “You can’t be gay Cade!”

I stared at him wide eyed, too scared to open my mouth even the slightest.

“Grelle, maybe you need some time to calm down,” Ciel said.

“No! This is all your fault! You put the stupid gay idea into his mind and now look at what you’ve done!” he yelled at them. Right then I realized how serious this was getting. If he didn’t shut up soon I knew it was going to become personal between him and them.

“Stupid gay idea?” Sebastian questioned. “What exactly do you mean by that?”

“You know what I mean,” he sighed, calming down a little bit now. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“I should think so,” Ciel mumbled under his breath.

“It’s just, I know my brother-” he sighed.

“Not well enough,” I whispered nervously, scared that he might snap at me.

He nodded at me a little and then sat down again in his seat.

“So...who did you kiss?” he asked.

“His ‘friend’ was the one who kissed him actually,” Sebastian told him.

“You have a friend!” Grelle laughed but then acted serious again. “So who is he then?”

Please don’t tell him...

“He’s called Capper; a very nice boy,” Ciel said, smiling at me.

Oh God...