It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

Please say Ciel didn’t just say that. There’s no way that he just old Grelle that me and Capper kissed. Grelle’s going to kill me; never mind what he’s going to do to Capper after all of this. We’re both so dead and it’s all thanks to Ciel. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut? My brother didn’t need to know who it was. Him simply knowing that there was a someone in the first place was enough to get him mad. I can’t even imagine how he’ll react now...

“Capper?” he question, glaring daggers at me.

Every part of me wanted to say no. It would protect both of us! But I couldn’t lie to him...And those two have already said that it was Capper so he’s unlikely to believe me anyway. He’ll want to but he won’t be able to. He’s too smart to simply take my word for it.

“Yeah,” I whispered.

He shook his head at me like he was trying to convince himself that it wasn't true. Then he turned back and gave me eye contact.

“Is that why I saw him leaving the house?” he asked me, looking really angry.

Why does he always have to get so mad? It was just a kiss! No big deal.

Well...It kind of was a big deal really. Me and Capper kissed! I loved it! Wait, I mean I didn’t like it because he’s a guy and...Oh who am I kidding? Of course I liked it. I am gay.

It feels good to finally be able to admit that. To think it’s all thanks to Capper that I'm starting to come out. Too bad he isn't gay himself...Unless he’s in the same situation as I am. I mean come on. I was testing you. Seriously, that has got to be one of the worse lies ever!

“Cadence!” Grelle hissed rather sharply.

I turned to look at him instantly, hoping that I didn’t make him angrier. I don’t know why I care so much to be honest. He already wants to kill me, how much worse can it get?

“Y-yeah,” I answered, more nervously than I expected. He’s my brother; I should be able to act calm around him.

“Answer my bloody question!” he shouted at me.

Why is he acting like this? For God’s sake this has nothing to do with him. And why is he taking it all out on me? It’s not my fault I'm gay. This is just the way I am. The way I was born. It’s not as if I can change who I am.

“S-sorry,” I sniffed.

Oh I can’t seriously want to cry at a moment like this. Please no! If I cry I’ll just make things worse for myself. Just as I usually do.

“You and Capper! That’s...that’s sick!” he yelled at me.

Ciel and Sebastian were giving him stern looks and waiting for the right moment to intervene, which in my mind was a long time ago. They can’t let him talk to me like this.

“No it’s not!” I cried out.

Perfect...just perfect. I hate it when he sees me like this, but I know he’s used to it. Grelle’s usually the one who finds me after I’ve been bawling my eyes out so this is nothing new to him.

“How isn't it?” he said back to me, slightly calmer after seeing my reaction.

I seriously hope that doesn’t mean he finds it relaxing seeing me getting worked up like this. I know it most likely doesn’t but at this stage I can’t help but think that.

“Love isn't sick,” I mumbled underneath my cries, immediately regretting it though. Did I just say that I loved Capper? “I didn’t mean that,” I sniffed before getting up and walking out.

I couldn’t have said that. I mean, I don’t love him. I barely know the guy. He seems nice and everything but love is a big step forward, and it’s a step that I'm not ready to take; definitely not yet and certainly not with Capper. A person like him would never want me. And even if he did, he couldn’t even admit to wanting to kiss me back there; how would he ever be able to be in a relationship with me if he can’t do that?

As I stormed up into my room I heard Ciel or Sebastian calling my name. I was too upset to even realize which one of them it was.

It was mainly because of Grelle that I was so worked up, but part of it was because of what I just realized. Capper and I won’t ever be together. He won’t admit that he’s gay; that’s a certainty, so he’ll never want to be with me.

Anger was raging through my body as I dropped down onto my bed and just let the tears flow out now. No one can see me anymore so I have no reason to attempt to control myself.

I felt like I was completely breaking down as I dropped down onto my knees and called up into a ball. Why is everyone against me? I mean not even Ciel and Sebastian were defending me back there; how bad is that?

I just wanted to calm down again. I hate feeling like this, but there was only one thing on my mind right now; getting rid of the pain. My insides were hurting so much and I just wanted an escape; an easy way out...so why not?

Without any form of hesitation I walked across the landing and into the bathroom, ensuring that the door was locked. Everyone else was still downstairs so I knew I was safe for now. After last time I didn’t think they’d leave me alone when I'm like this; looks like I overestimated them.

I found the nearest razor I could and held it to my wrist as the tears continued to flow. Am I really going to do this again? Is Grelle worth it? Is Capper even worth this?

I don’t even know why I bother asking myself things like that. It’s not about them at all. This is how I feel and this is my way of making myself feel better. If other people can’t deal with that then so be it, because I am not changing for them.

I went to slit my wrist when I thought about something. Simply doing this to my wrists is nothing compared to what Capper does, or did, I'm not a hundred percent sure really. But I know he wasn't making it up about the cutting; scars don’t lie.

Maybe I should do something like what he did. He seems fine now and boy did they look good. Just imagine those scars on me...