It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

I lifted the cotton material on my chest up and watched as my chest heaved heavily with the sheer thought of what I was about to do. I mean, I've never done anything like this before; it's usually only been on my wrist or upper arms but this time I wanted to go further.

Grelle, my only living relative left and the one and only person in the entire world I felt comfortable and safe around has just rejected me. Well, he didn't say that he hated me but I could tell by the way he was talking to me and what he was saying what he thought of it.

But I have to wonder why Ciel and Sebastian didn't interrupt. I mean, they shouldn't really have allowed it. For one it was just cruel that he was saying such things to his own brother and also the way he was talking about me and themselves with such disrespect and disgrace. I would imagine that what he was saying affected them as well but I'm sure they were used to it so just ignored it like usual.

I hated the fact that I cried too. I should have been prepared for it really, he was bound to find out sooner or later so I don't know why I was so shocked when it happened.

I turned my attention back to what I was doing and I started feeling nervous again. Was I really going to do this? Oh listen to me! I should just shut up and get on with it. Sure I was a bit on edge but that didn’t stop me the first time I did it on my wrists so it’s no different this time really.

I reached in to the cupboard and grabbed the first blade I could see. It was a new one so it wouldn’t be dirty. I held the small item in my hand. The item that could so easily end me if I wasn’t careful. I’d had practise though and knew how deep to go so as not to hit an artery and I did study well in biology when we were learning about the artery’s and capillaries. The topic engaged me and it was useful to know about it to be honest.

Ah! There I go! I keep distracting myself with useless trivia. No. If there was ever a time to do it, now it the right one.

I held the razor close to my face, studying every last detail. It was almost a ritual I went through when I cut myself. I liked to know every part of what I was using and sometimes I just liked to look at the blood that had stained there from previous incidents. The metallic glint that reflected off it enchanted me as I played with it, toyed it between my fingers and stroked it.

But that was enough. I lifted my shirt over my head and took it off completely; there was no point in risking getting my clothed stained as well as getting the scars.

I held the metal on to my skin and began to press in fairly hard. My heart was beating like crazy and it could almost feel it jumping out of my chest with the force it was rattling my ribcage with. The sharp pain made me feel sort of…warm, like I was paying back the debt I owed to mum and dad.

The debt of taking away their lives.

As I trailed it down my flesh with a reasonable amount of pressure I noticed that although the skin was cutting there was no blood. It only left a small indent on the surface of my skin but that wasn’t nearly enough for me.

I forced the steel harder against my pelt, still continuing to drag it along my chest until I noticed a small seeping of red liquid escape my wound.

Was it weird that I smiled when I saw it?

Because it made me happy.

Despite the final array of warm liquid I carried on and although my body was actually trembling as I did so I sort of felt a guilty pleasure arise from deep within me. I know how people see this sort of thing: stupid. But I don’t think of it like that. I didn’t want to talk about my past and no one wanted to hear it, so what’s the point of talking if there’s no one to listen or care?

This lets me take my anger and other emotions out on myself without affecting anybody else so who gives a crap what I do to my body? It’s mine so I should be able to do what I want with it, right?

I finally stopped when I reached the end of my chest. There, stood prominently in the middle of my torso, was now a huge gash that led diagonally from one end of my body to the other. This wasn’t like my other cuts, this one was actually hurting quite badly still. Yeah, the others were sore for a while afterwards, but this pain doesn’t seem to be fading.

Ah well, what’s done is done and I actually feel glad.

“Cadence” there came a knock on the door.

It was Sebastian. I could tell he was trying to stay calm but the shake in his voice all but helped that impression. I didn’t reply. I mean, there was no point. He knew I was in here seeing as the door was locked and everyone else was downstairs.

I should’ve expected either him or Ciel to come up really; they never got the message that I wanted to be left alone, even when I made it clear.

“Cadence I know you’re in there. Just come out” he ordered.

“Make me!” I shouted back, childishly.

I heard him sigh before falling silent. I didn’t even dare move; he could pick up on any little movement and make assumptions. Well, what he assumes will most likely be what I’ve actually done but I don’t want him worrying even if he does annoy me when he intrudes.

“Cadence” he groaned “What are you doing in there?”

Yeah, he’d guessed.

I didn’t reply. It was obvious so there was any point.

“Cadence, come out here this instant!” He barked loudly.

Wow, I made Sebastian shout. It takes a lot to make him loose his cool and actually shout. And I’d managed to do it within less than 2 minutes…go me.

I tried keeping up a strong front but I couldn’t help my body from trembling. I was terrified of what was going to happen. I know if I went out I’d just get a good shouting at, but on the other hand that would, most likely, make me run to my room and then that would mean Grelle would have to come in and talk to me! I didn’t want that! Not after the things he just said to me.

”You and Capper! That’s…that’s sick!”

It’s not sick! I can’t believe my brother said that about me.

I rested a hand on my chest and flinched at the pain. There was still some blood seeping out of it and if I were to go out, even with my shirt back on, he would notice it seeing as it’s still bleeding.

“Cadence!” Sebastian shouted roughly and hit his fist on the door.

I have to be honest; it made me jump out of my skin. Sebastian was such a sweet and caring person but you’d better not get on his bad side. I shakily sighed, quickly ripping a piece of toilet roll off, wetting it and dabbing at the cut before pulling my shirt back over my head.

Reluctantly I unlocked the door and opened it to see a relieved looking Sebastian stood waiting for me.

“What do you think you were doing?” he asked in a slightly more calm manor as before, grabbing my shoulders firmly and making me look directly in to his eyes.

It made me feel nervous having to look straight at him so I diverted my eyes and stared to the side. I couldn’t tell him what I’d just done and I’m a terrible liar so I couldn’t say anything.

“Well?” he added after a few moments.

I allowed a tear to slowly trail down my face and I closed my eyes. I tensed up when Sebastian let go of my shoulders and pulled me in to a hug. I didn’t resist though, while having my head against his chest I could feel how fast his heartbeat was going which obviously meant he was worried.

“Why did you do that?” he questioned after breaking the hug to face me again.

Again I said nothing. My pulse quickened when I felt something sticky forming under my chest. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no! I folded my arms in an attempt to cover up the stain that was beginning to form across my white school shirt but red against white is pretty apparent.

I looked up to see a completely shocked look on his face.

“Cadence…what’s that?” he asked, referring to the red liquid.