It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

The look in Sebastian’s eyes was more than enough to scare me. It was filled with anger and disappointment but also his own fear. He was just as scared as I was right now, maybe even more.

“Cadence, please say you didn’t,” he begged me, forcing me to look into his eyes.

I shook my head at him and then he instantly pulled me into a hug. As soon as his arms wrapped around me the tears starting flowing out from my eyes; I felt so weak; it was awful.

It wasn't long until he pushed me away from him though. My heart sank as I saw the blood that had come through onto my shirt. It was definitely ruined now.

“Why would you do this?”He asked me, frowning. “I thought...I thought you were smarter than that.”

My head dropped down and ended up staring at the floor. It’s not stupid. Sure everyone thinks that it is, but I like it. I really like it and if no one else can understand that they quite simply don’t get me and they never will.

“Why?” he asked again.

I shrugged my shoulders at him and noticed irritation building on his face. He was getting angry. Sebastian doesn’t get angry. He never gets angry...Except for now.

“Tell me Cadence!”

I looked at him and tried to explain to him what was going on inside my head at the moment. It was too complicated to easily put into words but he’s never going to understand that.

“Just, just because...” I sniffed before trying to push passed him to get to my room.

“Talk to me,” he said strongly, blocking the way so that I couldn’t get away. “Look, if you don’t talk to me; I’ll have to tell Ciel that things have gotten worse and you know he’s going to be a lot harder to deal with than me.”

I nodded at him, agreeing that it would be easier to talk about things with him rather than Ciel. I love Ciel, yes, but I don’t think he’d accept me or even try to look at this from my perspective, whereas with Sebastian...actually, I don’t see how things would be different with him. How is he going to understand?

“You won’t get it,” I sighed.

“Just tell me.”

My eyes locked with his when I looked up at him. I tried to get them out of his but I couldn’t. He wasn't going to let me drop this. He wanted to know and he wanted to know now.

“Look,” I sniffed, “I don’t even understand it so there’s no chance that you will,” I told him. “I-I d-don’t want to do this, but I hav-have to,” I cried as he pulled me into a hug once more and brought his hand into my hair, running his hand through it gently to try and calm me down.

It was true though. I don’t want to do this anymore, but I have no choice; that’s the part that hurts the most. I couldn’t stop now. Nothing anyone can say will be able to stop me from harming myself. It feels too good. Warm blood coming out from my skin and dripping down it; it’s like magic.

When I feel hurt on the inside I know that I can just take it all out on myself and move the pain somewhere else, somewhere where it’s doing less harm to me. After doing that I feel better.

I think that when I’m cutting myself or do anything to cause my body pain, it’s because I know it’ll be better than putting up with suffering emotionally. I can’t deal with emotions; they catch up on me and I have no choice but to act on instinct. Cutting is all that I know. What else do I have to fall back on?

When I'm feeling down it’s the only thing I can think of doing. When something is all you know, how can you do something else? It wouldn't feel right doing something I'm unfamiliar with so I just do the obvious.

I let out a deep breath into Sebastian’s chest, relaxing my body into his hold and just letting out the tears and allowing myself to cry for him.

Who cares if this makes him think I'm weak? That’s what I am. I can’t do this. I need help and maybe I’ll get it now. Now he knows that I'm like this, maybe he could sort it out. What am I on about? This won’t fix anything...

“You know you can talk to me, don’t you?” he asked quietly.

“Yes,” I muttered.

Just because I can doesn’t mean I will...That’s one of the things that I want to change. I should be able to talk to Sebastian, but I just can’t do it.

“Can I go to be bed please?” I whispered, as I tried to control the crying for now.

“Yeah,” he sighed reluctantly. “But we need to talk about this again.”

I nodded at him before walking towards my room.

“Cadence?” he called me. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him once more, hoping this would only be quick. “Could I...could I have a look?” he asked me.

All I could do was stare at him. I was shocked and worried and I didn’t know what I was meant to do.

“Er... s-sure,” I whispered. I couldn’t tell him no, could I?

“I just need to see how bad the wound is, alright?” he told me. “I don’t want you bleeding to death,” he chuckled awkwardly but stopped when he saw me tensing up. “Sorry,” he whispered.

I nodded at him and then walked into my room with him following close behind me.

“I'm only showing you though,” I whispered but I wasn't too sure if he heard me or not.

Carefully I unbuttoned the shirt to reveal the cut across my chest. To be honest it wasn't that deep, it was just deep enough to leave a bit of blood is all. It didn’t even look that bad.

For a few seconds I found myself staring at it, but then I heard Sebastian gasp slightly. I swear he was just over reacting though! It’s not that bad!

“Cadence,” he whispered whist shaking his head. “You...you did this?” He said it like a question even though he knew that I was the only one who could’ve done it.

“It doesn’t hurt,” I muttered.

“I don’t care if it hurts!” he said raising his voice. “...Sorry. But, but look at it!”

I knew what he meant. Even though it wasn't that bad it was far from a pretty sight, especially if you haven’t seen something like this often before. I have, so I guess t doesn’t bother me as much; I'm used to it.

“It’s not bleeding that much now,” I sighed. “I’ll be fine.”

He looked at me and nodded. Yeah there was a lot of blood there but it wasn't all that bad. And it was slowly stopping anyway now. No damage done...well, not much.

“I'm going to have to tell Ciel and Grelle,” he sighed, not looking me in the eye anymore. Instead his eyes were darting all around the room, looking anywhere but at me.

“Not Grelle,” I hissed. “He can’t know, Sebastian. Please,” I begged. I don’t want him knowing that I got like this again. He’ll know it’d be because of the thing with me and Capper and... Oh I don’t know. He just won’t like me getting so worked up over him insulting Capper. He’d hate that. I know he would.

“Cadence,” he sighed again. “He’s your brother.”

“And?” I asked desperately. “He hates me now and... I just don’t want him to know,” I sniffed a little but I didn’t make it too obvious.

“Fine,” he whispered. “I won’t tell Grelle.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, letting out a very deep breath that I’d been holding in for a while now.

After Sebastian left my room I quickly undressed into something more comfortable and hopped into my bed. At first it was hard to sleep; I had a lot on my mind, but as tiredness became more dominant I couldn’t resist letting myself doze off.

My night was dreamless which was pretty strange seeing as I had so much on my mind before I fell asleep. Things were a lot calmer when I woke up though; almost like nothing had happened.

As I got dressed into my school uniform I couldn’t help noticing the scar on my chest. I'm probably going to be marked for life with that one, not that I mind too much. Not many people are going to see it other than me anyway.

Looking into the mirror I ran my fingers down the rough line I had created on my body. I flinched a little at the pain that was cause from simply touching it. I knew this was going to be bigger than anything else I’d ever done. I just knew it.

My eyes were still a little bit red from all of the crying, but that, I suppose, could also just be from sleeping. I tend to have red eyes when I force myself to wake up on other days as well.

After I started struggling to look at myself without crying from the memories of last night, I grabbed hold of my shirt and started buttoning it up. Fortunately I had a spare one to use seeing as I ruined my normal shirt last night. I don’t like this one but it’s better than going in covered in blood, right? Definitely.

I walked back over to my mirror and frowned when I realized something. You can see the redness through my shirt. What if someone asks me about it at school? Crap!

Wait, why should I care what they think? I'm not ashamed of what I’ve done so there’s no need to hide it...

Even though I didn’t want to hide myself from everyone, I quickly flung my blazer on to cover it a bit before going to see everybody else.

When I got downstairs I could instantly smell food from in the kitchen. It smelt like they’d made a full English or something along those lines, but they never do that. I followed the voices I could hear to the dining room and sat down with everyone else and started eating my breakfast. Usually we don’t eat breakfast together, sometimes we don’t bother with it at all, and that’s why this feels kind of weird. Plus the silence is killing me. As soon as I came into the room they all went quiet. Sebastian had obviously told them. Grelle probably knows as well...

It was so awkward down there and I absolutely hated it. Why wouldn't they talk with me around? I bet they only stopped their conversations because they were about me. Why can’t they just leave it? I don’t want to talk about it so why should they want to?

There was a plate of food in my place already but I wasn't in the mood for eating. Not now.

I stood up, pushing my chair back so it made a squeaking noise as it moved against the floor. They all looked up at me, but no one said anything until I was about to leave the room.

“Where are you going Cadence?” Ciel asked me.

“School,” I muttered, walking out the door of the room, shutting it tightly behind me.

“I’ll talk to him,” I heard Sebastian mutter before another chair slid across the floor and the door I’d just closed reopened.

He put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from walking away from him. Please don’t give me another stupid lecture.

“Aren’t you hungry?” he asked me.

I ignored his question and asked him one of my own instead.

“Do they know?”

“I had to tell them,” he whispered, turning me to face him. I looked down at the floor, not wanting to look at him, but he didn’t let that effect what he was saying. “We care about you Cadence.We don’t want to lose you over something stupid.”

What does he mean by something stupid? Wait...

“You told Grelle?” I asked, praying that he didn’t.

“I'm sorry,” he sighed. “But he’s your brother and he knows how to cheer you up.”

“No,” I muttered, shaking my head.

He doesn’t know how to cheer me up. He knows how to beat the life out of what he assumes the problem is. In his mind this is all Capper’s fault thanks to Ciel he knows Capper kissed me and he knows that we wouldn't have had that argument that got me upset last night if that never happened...

I know my brother all too well. I know that that’s what he’s thinking. He wants to hurt Capper.