It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

I told him that we needed to take a break. The look on his face shows that he really doesn’t want that, but I know that it’s for the best.

Is it weird that part of me is glad that he’s upset? It means that he wants to spend time with me. I love spending time with him as well, so I know that this break is going to be hard for both of us, but in the end, maybe it’ll bring us closer together.

Wait! No...

Yes... I do want to be closer to him. I care. It’s just; I don’t understand why I care. I shouldn’t even like him, but for some reasons my feelings for the guy just keep on growing.

I can’t believe that all of this is my fault though. His chest is a mess now. As soon as I saw it I wanted to throw up. It looks disgusting and I actually hate myself for putting that idea inside his head. I know I showed him what I’d done, but that was just to let him know that I can relate and that if he wants to talk about it, he can talk with me. I didn't think he’d copy me... if I knew he was going to do something like this, I might’ve just stayed away altogether.

I'm clearly a bad influence on him. I mean, I know he said he would’ve done it even if he didn't meet me, but for some reason, I highly doubt that. I feel as if he’s just lying to try and make me happy.

Maybe it’s best that we just stay away from each other. Not for forever, obviously. I know I can’t be away from him for that long, but we definitely need a break. I'm just going to hurt him worse and worse if he stays near me. I should just give him some time to get his head straight.

“Capper,” he said, sounding as if he was getting ready to start crying.

Just as I thought that maybe I was making things even harder for him, he did something. He put his hand in mine, and you know what? I let him put it there. I didn't pull away or anything. The strange thing is that it felt kind of nice. I liked holding his hand.

I shook my head at him. One reason was because I didn't want him to start telling me about how stupid I'm being. I know I shouldn’t say we need a break, but I don’t need him telling me that. I don’t need him saying that we have a chance of getting a great friendship out of this, because that isn't what I want. I want more than that, but him telling me anything like that is just making the break feel even harder.

The other reason for shaking my head was to help myself to try and forget the feelings I have for him. I'm being selfish by wanting to be with a guy like Cadence. I’m just going to end up hurting him.

“Capper,” he said again, taking in a deep breath. I didn't want to listen, but what choice did I have? The guy was sat right next to me...holding my hand. “I love you,” he breathed out after taking in a very deep breath.

For a few seconds I just froze.

What?

I looked up to face him. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what if he was lying? I know it’s pretty unlikely that he’d do something like that. but maybe he’s just trying to spend more time with me. Why’d he want to spend time with me though?

He’s being serious. Cadence likes me. Cadence loves me. I really didn't see this coming.

He looked at me, most likely wanting to cry. I'm being so cruel to him. He’s just told me that he loves me and I'm just sat here in silence, staring at him.

My heart wants to be with him, yeah. But my head is telling me to get as far away as possible. I'm not gay. If I end up in a relationship with him, the whole school would find out about it and no one would take me seriously. Then there’s that chance that Cadence has no idea what he’s saying. The poor kid’s probably just confused.

“Oh,” I whispered, looking down to the floor again.

“Say something,” he sniffed nervously. “Please.”

I went to open my mouth but nothing came out. it looks like I’ve made up my mind. Just because he loves me doesn’t mean I should go back on what I said. If I do he’ll think I'm some kind of pushover who he can get round with those three words.

“We...we do need a break,” I whispered, trying my best not to cry.

You can’t call me horrible for doing this. I'm thinking about him and I’m scared. Okay, I’ll admit that I'm scared. I can’t get close to people. Whenever I do I just lose them. It isn't fair.

“No,” he said, his voice breaking and going really high.

Please don’t do this Cadey. Please.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered, still not able to lock eyes with him.

I was changed now, so all I had to do was grab my bag. I took it and then walked over to the other side of the room. I sat down on the bench over there, leaving him on his own.

I was sat with a few of my so called friends, but I wasn't talking to them and they were talking to me. To be honest that was just what I needed; time to think in the quiet.

When coach walked in, I looked up and my eyes immediately met with Cadence’s. He was crying. So much guilt dropped onto me then. In the long run, this’ll be for the best though...right? I really hope so, because I don’t want this hurt we’re feeling to all be for nothing.