It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

When I got home that night I stormed straight upstairs to my room and jumped down onto my bed, burying my face into the pillow so I could finally cry in some peace. How could this happen to me?

I told him how I feel! I opened up to him and he dropped me just like that. I understand that if he didn't like me back and hadn’t lead me on then it would’ve been pretty creepy for him to have a guy saying that he’s in love with him. But the fact is, that guy bloody kissed me. If you don’t like a person, you don’t bloody kiss them! It’s simple! Even I understand it!

Was everything that we were becoming just another part of his stupid bully scheme? Chances are that they were. He’s only done this to hurt me. Physically isn't enough for him, of course it isn't, he wants more than that. He needs to see them squirm and struggle as much as humanly possible, more if he can make that happen.

He wanted to scar me emotionally and mentally as well. He toyed with my bloody heart and he ripped it to shreds! He was using me; playing with me just to prove that he could.

I hate him!

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

I let out a scream from the frustration running through my body. I hate that guy so so much...

Well...

I want to hate him.

I should hate him! I do! No I don’t.

After this I should hate him and maybe some parts of me do, but those few seconds where he tore my hopes apart weren’t enough to get rid of all of the feelings that have been building up inside of me for him all of this time. No matter how hard I try to forget about that, I can’t.

It was him that made me realized that I was gay. Honestly, I think I helped him to think that he was as well...Maybe he just couldn’t accept that. How badly must you think of something to not even be able to accept yourself for who you are? Maybe he’s ashamed of both of us.

Capper’s really hurt me this time. Really really hurt me.

The hard part about all of this is that even though I'm angry right now and know that he’s the one whose cause all of this for me, it’s not him that I hate right now. If anything, the only person I want to blame is me.

Why did I put so much faith in him? I knew what he was like, heck he beat me up on my very first day at the school. He had no reason! So why would he need one for today?

I'm stupid and nowhere near good enough for him.

I encouraged him so much and then I went and fell for him. I still don’t understand why I did that. Why did I let him get to me? I'm a smart kid and everyone thinks it, so how come I fail so terribly when it comes to life? I'm a wreck. Why’d I even imagine that someone like Capper would want to be with someone like me?

In a mood like this I’d normally resort to getting out a knife and tearing myself apart, but this time, I don’t want to do that.

After the cut across my chest, I can’t go any further. What more can I do? None of that crap has worked. I'm still hurting.

I bit down hard on my lip when I worked out what it was that I wanted now.

I want no more. I want this to end.

Capper was something that was making life interesting for me, something for me to think about and have hope for. He was my distraction. God I think a lot higher of him than he deserves! But now I don’t have him, I have nothing.

I don’t want anything either. I just need all of this to be over.

Slowly I sat up in my bed and took a second to try and clear my head. I had no idea how I was going to do this? I just knew that it had to be done. I don’t want this life no more. I'm done.

Before I had any more time to think about this I heard a few knocks on my bedroom door. I knew that if any of them saw me like this they’d want to search me for cuts and God knows what else. Why can’t they just accept me? This is who I am...

“Cadence,” I heard a soft voice call. “Can I come in hun?”

I wanted to tell them that they couldn’t but I knew I’d have to let them if I didn't want to raise any suspicion.

“Yeah,” I said as strongly as I could after wiping away a few of the tears that had fallen from my eyes.

“How was school?” Ciel asked in a concerned way as he walked in and sat down beside me on the bed.

He’d clearly noticed that I was upset; he just wasn't going to say anything yet.

“Educational,” I muttered. That is the right answer isn't it? I mean that’s the only reason we’re sent there, to learn and crap like that.

“Did you have a good time with your friends?” he asked me.

“What friends?” I hissed back to him.

Ciel and Sebastian don’t really know about April so there’s only one person he could be talking about, and after today, I doubt ’friends’ would be the right word to use describing Capper and I.

“Things...didn’t go well?” he asked like the genius that he is. I wonder where he picked up that vibe from.

He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about though, that’s the bit that gets to me.

“Things are great at school Ciel,” I said harshly. “Just butt out of my life.”

That was uncalled for, I know, but I can’t take it back so what’s the point in trying to?

“Talk to me,” he said in the same calm tone of voice he had when we first started talking.

I looked at him for a few seconds and our eyes suddenly became locked. As soon as that happened mine began watering again. Why does he have to care so much? Why do people care about me all of a sudden?

“Cade-” he started but I cut him off.

He cares...Why should I keep everyone who cares away from me? am I scared that I’ll care back? Or that I’ll get hurt?

“It’s...” I whispered but my breathing was uneven now, making it hard to talk. “Ca-Capper,” I sniffed, letting a few tears fall out as he pulled me into his arms.

That was all I needed to say. Ciel knew exactly what to do and what to say in this situation. For once, I'm actually glad that I've told him something.