The short lived life of me.
The only chapter
Talk to me. Just talk. I need answers. I need to know. I’m feeling lost and out of control, afraid and in despair. I’m so messed up and so are you. You get me to blame myself. If I had to list the number of times you hurt me, I could. There are so many, but I have each one memorized.
The first time was when I found out you smoked pot. You knew how much I hated that and you still did it. You told me you would stop just for me. T
he second time was when we would fight for no reason. Over girls or guys or even each other. I felt like I couldn’t be myself around you. I couldn’t be me. T
he third time was when you first broke up with me. I was in the bathroom straightening my hair and something seemed off. You told me we should break up. I started crying, right when my parents got home. They didn’t hear me because it was upstairs and the radio was on. I washed my eyes and went down stairs to talk to Meg. She told me everything was going to be fine and you would want me back. I kept saying how I didn’t want you back and you probably didn’t either. Five minutes later you text me saying how much of a mistake you made and how you’re in love me and I’m the most amazing girl ever. That just made me so happy so I took you back. We were happy, everything was good.
The fourth time was when you started pressuring me for sexy pictures. You wanted me naked, in my bra and underwear, fingering myself. I didn’t do any of them. You would get mad at me and yell or cuss and it’d scare me.
The fifth time was when you would pressure me for sex. You’d try to convince me or say everything is okay, I love you. I love you. Those three words would be used so many times to get what you want. Sometimes it worked.
The sixth time was when I found out you liked Meg. I mean, how could I compete with that? Not only is she beautiful and awesome, but she’s older and can see you way more than me. It hurt.
The seventh time was when I found out you liked my best friend Shilo. That’s just wrong. Not only is she my best friend, but yeah. You would text her all the time. And if she got mad at you, you’d ask me to fix it. That was when we were going out.
The eighth time was when I found out you started smoking again. You swore it was just Huka, which was harmless. Drugs aren’t harmless. You wouldn’t listen to me. We started fighting more.
The ninth time was when you almost cheated on me. My friend Jessica hated you, so she pretended to be a girl named Becky. Immediately you told her you wanted to fuck her and how beautiful she was. I broke up with you.
The tenth time was when you told me it would be better if we broke up. You only said that because that meant you could go out with Becky.
The eleventh time was when I broke down. I told you I loved you and I needed you and I wanted you so badly. You just said that you didn’t love me anymore, but you wanted us to be friends.
The twelfth time was when you would talk about how much you wanted to fuck Becky to me. It hurt so badly.
The thirteenth time was when you told me you still loved me. Man I really hated that but it made me so happy.
The fourteenth time was when you asked me out. I was dating Darrin, so of course I said no I didn’t love you. For a while you fought for me, and I was falling hard.
The 15th time was when you started going out with Jayme. She was the biggest bitch on the planet. You would talk about her like you did with Becky but you swore you loved me way more and she was a whore.
The 16th time was when you had sex with her. That sliced my heart. I cried for a long time.
The 17th time was when after you broke up with her. We were talking and I asked what you were doing, you said you were making out with Jayme. You said it so carelessly. Even if you swore it didn’t mean anything and she kissed you first, you kissed back.
The 18th time was when we talked after I thought I officially got you out of my life. You were such an ass. You told me to fuck you hard. You yelled at me. That’s where we are now. You’re telling me to get out of your life, even though you don’t want me to. You’re calling me babe and telling me not to make this harder for you. I hate it. I want to get out of your life but at the same time I love you so much I can’t. I asked you why you want me out of your life so much. You told me that that I need to move on and so do you.
That last part hurt. That last part killed me. I’m crying right now. I’m gasping so hard I can’t tell if I’m breathing or not. I can’t talk to anyone. I need to die. I want to die. I swear I’m this close to slitting my throat. No one would see. Mom and Dad are at work, and Hannah is with Sue for Conner’s birthday. The blinds on the house are closed. We had a lot of knives. It would be way to easy. They wouldn’t find me until later today. That would give me enough time to write a suicide note or something
. I could write my will.
I could write one...last...final song.
I could sing my heart out. I could watch my favorite movies.
I could do whatever I wanted.
I could tell the truth for once.
I could finish my first book
. I could do whatever I wanted.
And then I would be dead.
I don’t want to die but I’m coming really close.
Help me.
The first time was when I found out you smoked pot. You knew how much I hated that and you still did it. You told me you would stop just for me. T
he second time was when we would fight for no reason. Over girls or guys or even each other. I felt like I couldn’t be myself around you. I couldn’t be me. T
he third time was when you first broke up with me. I was in the bathroom straightening my hair and something seemed off. You told me we should break up. I started crying, right when my parents got home. They didn’t hear me because it was upstairs and the radio was on. I washed my eyes and went down stairs to talk to Meg. She told me everything was going to be fine and you would want me back. I kept saying how I didn’t want you back and you probably didn’t either. Five minutes later you text me saying how much of a mistake you made and how you’re in love me and I’m the most amazing girl ever. That just made me so happy so I took you back. We were happy, everything was good.
The fourth time was when you started pressuring me for sexy pictures. You wanted me naked, in my bra and underwear, fingering myself. I didn’t do any of them. You would get mad at me and yell or cuss and it’d scare me.
The fifth time was when you would pressure me for sex. You’d try to convince me or say everything is okay, I love you. I love you. Those three words would be used so many times to get what you want. Sometimes it worked.
The sixth time was when I found out you liked Meg. I mean, how could I compete with that? Not only is she beautiful and awesome, but she’s older and can see you way more than me. It hurt.
The seventh time was when I found out you liked my best friend Shilo. That’s just wrong. Not only is she my best friend, but yeah. You would text her all the time. And if she got mad at you, you’d ask me to fix it. That was when we were going out.
The eighth time was when I found out you started smoking again. You swore it was just Huka, which was harmless. Drugs aren’t harmless. You wouldn’t listen to me. We started fighting more.
The ninth time was when you almost cheated on me. My friend Jessica hated you, so she pretended to be a girl named Becky. Immediately you told her you wanted to fuck her and how beautiful she was. I broke up with you.
The tenth time was when you told me it would be better if we broke up. You only said that because that meant you could go out with Becky.
The eleventh time was when I broke down. I told you I loved you and I needed you and I wanted you so badly. You just said that you didn’t love me anymore, but you wanted us to be friends.
The twelfth time was when you would talk about how much you wanted to fuck Becky to me. It hurt so badly.
The thirteenth time was when you told me you still loved me. Man I really hated that but it made me so happy.
The fourteenth time was when you asked me out. I was dating Darrin, so of course I said no I didn’t love you. For a while you fought for me, and I was falling hard.
The 15th time was when you started going out with Jayme. She was the biggest bitch on the planet. You would talk about her like you did with Becky but you swore you loved me way more and she was a whore.
The 16th time was when you had sex with her. That sliced my heart. I cried for a long time.
The 17th time was when after you broke up with her. We were talking and I asked what you were doing, you said you were making out with Jayme. You said it so carelessly. Even if you swore it didn’t mean anything and she kissed you first, you kissed back.
The 18th time was when we talked after I thought I officially got you out of my life. You were such an ass. You told me to fuck you hard. You yelled at me. That’s where we are now. You’re telling me to get out of your life, even though you don’t want me to. You’re calling me babe and telling me not to make this harder for you. I hate it. I want to get out of your life but at the same time I love you so much I can’t. I asked you why you want me out of your life so much. You told me that that I need to move on and so do you.
That last part hurt. That last part killed me. I’m crying right now. I’m gasping so hard I can’t tell if I’m breathing or not. I can’t talk to anyone. I need to die. I want to die. I swear I’m this close to slitting my throat. No one would see. Mom and Dad are at work, and Hannah is with Sue for Conner’s birthday. The blinds on the house are closed. We had a lot of knives. It would be way to easy. They wouldn’t find me until later today. That would give me enough time to write a suicide note or something
. I could write my will.
I could write one...last...final song.
I could sing my heart out. I could watch my favorite movies.
I could do whatever I wanted.
I could tell the truth for once.
I could finish my first book
. I could do whatever I wanted.
And then I would be dead.
I don’t want to die but I’m coming really close.
Help me.
♠ ♠ ♠
This is true and sad :(