Let the Walls Break Down

Ah! My due dates approaching fast! It will be here in two and a half weeks. I’m so nervous… but excited at the same time. Todd’s definitely nervous. It’s cute though… but he is just flat out adorable so anything he does is cute.

But he’s been acting differently these past few days. I don’t know what it is. Something has to be bothering him. But every time I ask, he just says he’s fine. I know him better than that. And I haven’t seen him at all today. He’s been home all day too! I was on a mission to find out what was wrong with him.

I went up to our room where I found him sitting on the bed, his head in his hands… and an empty suitcase opened in front of him. Um… WHAT?

“Todd?” I questioned softly while standing in the doorway.

He didn’t look at me. He just lowered his hands and kept his eyes to the floor. This scared me. Todd’s never quiet. I walked over at him slowly and eased down on the bed.

“Are you ok, baby?” I asked, bringing my hand up to gently rub his back.

“There’s something I’ve been keeping from you,” he spoke softly.

This scared me. This statement is never followed by anything positive. The first thing that came to my mind is that he cheated…just like every other guy I’ve been with. Immediately, tears started to gloss over my eyes.

“I’m… leaving for… a series of demos,” he pushed out, confirming that I was wrong. But it still didn’t feel any better.

I was still speechless. I had so many questions, but none of them could come out.

“I leave in four days and come back… three weeks later,” he finished, refusing to bring his eyes up to mine.

Are you kidding me? I thought him leaving before was bad, but… this! This is just horrible. Instead of yelling at him, all I could do was cry. He wasn’t going to be there for the birth of our first child. How could he do this? I got up to walk out of the room, but he started calling after me.

“Ky, please don’t leave,” he said just as I was in the doorway.

“Why? You always do,” I shot over my shoulder while continuing to waddle down the stairs.

“Kylee,” he called out.

I could hear his footsteps behind me. One thing that really sucks about being pregnant… I’m really slow at this walking thing! Once I hit the floor, he hooked an arm around me to spin me around to face him.

“Baby, don’t cry,” he cooed while wrapping both of his arms around me.

“How do you expect me not to?” I asked, pushing away from him. “You’re not going to be here when the baby comes,” I went on to snap.

“I’m going to be here, but… maybe just a little late,” he tried hugging onto me again.

“Yeah… like late when I’m on my way home from the hospital,” I replied, pushing away again.

“Ky…”

“How are you ok with this? It’s our first child, Todd. Did you even tell whoever called you that your wife is nine months pregnant?” I asked, getting agitated with every word that left my mouth.

“Yeah, but…”

“There are not buts, Todd. This is like… huge! And you’re trying to talk me down?” I tried so hard not to yell, but… I did.

“What else was I supposed to say, Ky?” he countered, coping his own attitude.

“Gee, I don’t know… Maybe grow a pair and stick up to your sponsors! You think I was mad at the camping thing? You have not seen me mad, Todd,” I said with angry tears filling my eyes.

We went on to exchange more vexed words. It only ended because he walked out the door. I was so mad at him. I can’t believe he had the nerve to even bring that up to me. So, he’s going to hold on for the whole ride, and then bail right at the end when it matters most. This is not ok with me and I don’t have a problem letting him know it… but that didn’t mean I held my tears in.

I plopped down on he couch with tears streaming down my cheeks while my arms cradledTodd and I’s my baby girl who seemed to be just as angry as her mother.

“It’s ok, sweetie… Mommy’s going to be here when you come into this world,” I croaked out while rubbing my hands gently over my stomach.

I stayed on the couch for the rest of the night, staring at my ringed hand on my very pregnant stomach. I made a promise to myself… If Todd came back, I would leave it on. If he didn’t come home, it was coming off.

I fell asleep as I waited for him. But when I woke up in the morning to find his truck not in the garage and him nowhere to be seen, a single tear ran down my cheek. Why hadn’t he come home? I wanted him too so badly. I wanted him to walk through the door and tell me that he loves me. That’s all I wanted… but he didn’t.

I couldn’t even glance down at my ring. His words kept replaying in my mind as he slid it on during our wedding:

“I will love you faithfully, through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. What may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold, so I give you my life to keep.”

Just thinking of those words hurt so much. He vowed to be here with me… and he wasn’t. Maybe it’s my pregnant hormones or… maybe I’m just way too upset right now, but… I took my ring off and laid it on the table next to his side of the bed. As long as he’s gone, I won’t be needing that…