About a Girl

It lay crumpled under my hand since the moment I got it. It’d been months and months since she left, and now she was trying to contact me? Well, kind of. I’d have to actually be home for her to actually grab my attention. But the fact was, she didn’t email me, or text me, at all. It was a letter, and it was so hard not to just burn it right now, but I didn’t.

God chose a special fucking day for this letter to get into my hands, though, didn’t he? My birthday, yeah. Who other than me wanted to be completely fucking miserable on their birthday? Oh, wait, no one did. Not even me.

“Ma, I’m going to Matt’s.” I said as I was about to leave the house, grabbing my guitar case, guitar in it and all.

“No, wait, you got a letter.” she told me, walking over to me with an envelope in hand.

Without thinking, I took it from her, nodding my head and leaving the house, shoving it into my back pocket. Who the fuck would be trying to contact me, right? Oh, how stupid I was.

“Thanks.”

“Are you going to be coming home, tonight?” she asked, as if she knew the answer.

“Dunno, maybe. We were all going to work on some new songs..”

“It’s your birthday… we wanted to do something.”

“Like, what? A birthday party? I’m eighteen, mom..”

“You’re right. Have fun at Matt’s.” she accepted defeat, and I cherished that about my mom. She always knew what to say, or not to say.

When I walked out of the house, I took the time to look at the envelope, remembering her hand-writing.. I didn’t even need to look at the name to see who it was from. I was halfway to Matt’s house when I actually decided to read it, my heart sinking ever so quickly, already.

It’s sad how you think you get over something, and have moved on, but as soon as you think you’re over it, you’re not. The feelings come sinking back into place, and make you crumble to pieces again. I thought I was over her, I thought the feelings had gone away. How wrong was I:

Zack,
I know this Is unexpected, but I had to see how you were.. I feel terrible, I do. I shouldn’t of left like that.. I should’ve given you more warning, but I didn’t. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.. I know how easily you hold a grudge. I just wanted to tell you, that I love you. I always have, but you can do better than me. I know you hate me, I just needed to let you know that.. I’m sorry.. I hope you’re happy.
-Tiff.

It was a small letter, but it was big compared to her hand writing- which was large, and wide, and overall.. Neat. There were small stains, and I didn’t want to know why there was. Some of the letters were smudged too..

Inhaling deeply, I got up from the curb I sat at, heading down to Matt’s house again. I could hold it in as long as I wanted to, I always could. That was something about right now that I enjoyed, really. Being able to hold in every emotion I held.

The practice went alright, really. Val and Michelle, the Dibenedetto twins, Matt and Brian’s girlfriends, decided to come along, and hang out, really. I couldn’t tell you how I felt right then. Being surrounded by friends just made me feel so much better, really.

“We grabbed some money from our parents, guys. So you can get those new mics you needed.”

Matt grinned his biggest, grabbing Val’s face as she spoke, and kissing her affectionately.

“You are amazing!”

That earned a grin from Val, her cheeks flushed a bit. It made my heart ache, crash.. And burn. Remembering all the moments like that I had with Tiffany.. It had me quickly looking down.

“Err, Matt, can I use your bathroom?”

Matt looked over at me, his brows furrowing slightly, like in though- watching me, really. It was like he just knew. All he did was nod his head, and I took that as my queue to leave.

Fuck, I didn’t even make it to the bathroom, finding his stairs and just.. Hiding from everyone. It felt like everything was crumbling beneath my feet, leaving more room for the dark to take over. I wanted to die. I wanted to be dead. I couldn’t handle this much longer. Why couldn’t I just get over it? Any other normal human would’ve moved on by now. But not me. No. Not me.

I heard a noise, and quickly wiped at my eyes, hiding my feelings again.

“Zack?” it was Matt. I looked up at him as he came up to me, sitting next to me. “You okay, man? You seemed really off in there.”

“Don’t see how..”

“Usually you’re really into conversation and stuff.. What’s eating you, bro?”

I inhaled deeply, shoving my hand into my pocket and grabbing the letter, giving it to him. For a moment, he read it, and it didn’t take long. Slowly, I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders, tugging me close to him.

“Fuck man.. I’m sorry..”

“It’s.. whatever. I’ll get over it.”

Matt nodded his head, giving me a gentle squeeze. “You will.”

I nodded my head, and didn’t really answer.

And a song played in my head, a song I hadn’t heard or even thought about in.. so, so long, really. It stung even worse than the thought of her, did. When everything was okay, before this whole messed everything up..

I feel you… Do they think that walls can hide you, even now I’m at your window? I am in the dark beside you, buried sweetly in your yellow hair..